The countdown begins….

I have three days left in the shelter system… On Monday I will be going to the shelter to retrieve the rest of my belongings by van request and they will be bringing me back to the hotel.

Tuesday I move… My case manager is finding out if I can get a one shot deal from HRA to cover my first months rent.

It’s been an experience that I definitely will not miss. To regain some of my freedom is a surreal feeling.

I will not miss the three fire drills a month, one in the middle of the night. I definitely will not miss trying to find a place to sit during the day or having to wake up at 6 am when the lights come on.

I will not miss the fact the day is scheduled around eating three meals a day… I will be able to fend for myself a little bit.

I am feeling all different types of emotions as I grow closer to my move date. It’s been an eye opening experience in general learning the process of the shelter system.

I’m thankful that I was placed in one of the better shelters I really appreciate the fact that I had a roof over my head and bed which is the most important thing. I’m also greatful that I was infact giving three meals a day. It beats being in the street.

Although there’s alot that I won’t miss, I’m greatful that the system worked on my behalf. I was able to get the things that I needed. The place that I’m moving into isn’t bad I really have no complaints. I was lucky enough to be able to get the location that I wanted which is Manhattan.

The area is so nice and free of the ghetto/good environment like the south Bronx. There are restaurants and drug stores around and I’m not too far away from a target where I will be getting something’s for my unit.

It’s close to the train which is a great thing. So I really am very content with how everything turned out.

Once I move I’m going to take my time and get the things to make my unit home. Although I really dont have but one or two people to share my moment with, I’m going to enjoy the actual process of having my own which is what I never had. I miss my two kids dearly, and think about them every day… But for my mental health issues it’s better that I establish myself as an single organizm.

I’m literally starting life as a single person. All I have is me. It’s depressing, which is what I’m working through with my psychiatrist.

The nice thing about the residency is that there are internists and nurses as well a three psychiatrists on staff, so I don’t have to go looking for a doctor’s. Nyu dental care isnt that far away either. I’m basically going to have the support that I need to maintain myself and my psychiatric needs.

I’m going to just throw myself into trying to live as one and decorate my lil “mini studio” as I like to call it.

The past bites back

I can’t say for sure, but I thought I was a good mother. I got my kids ready for school, cooked dinner, went to parent teachers meetings. But there was always something off about me. And as I progressed into my diagnois, and having to go to out patient care to see a psychologist and a therapist, I think my mother was ok with me living at home with her for the most part. It wasn’t until 2016 when things with my public assistance case took a turn for the worst and I couldn’t get snap benefits anymore. I blamed my son for not cooperating with me.

I cried because I couldn’t get snap to open my case unless my son was willing to bring in his W2 and he didn’t have one. They had to adjust my benefits to how much cash was on hand. I was no longer head of household on the budget. My son was an adult. But in the eyes of the government I was responsible for him until he was 27, which pushed me to seek out section 8. I wasn’t head of house hold of the apartment, I didn’t pay the rent. With y mother being retired and living off retirement, my son had a job in place. But it was cash on hand. He was getting direct deposit, but living off tips every 2 weeks. He hasn’t quite gotten a w2 yet. But he refused to go welfare with me with a letter stating that he was working from his empoyers letter head.

I was in the throws of an episode at this point. I had let my daughter stay home for a week, I wrote, “Sean was here” on my bedroom wall in pen. I was hearing voices talking to the televison I had threw away my iPhone that my mother had disconnected. And then ACS shows up and tells me I have to go to court. The next day the cops came and took my house keys away from me. My daughter was at school, and my son was talking to the police officers. I was served a restraining order and told I had to vacate. I grabbed my pocket book and my jacket, already being dressed in a pair of jeans and a t shirt, and I left the apartment.

I had desecrated the bedroom with baby powder because I was having hallucinations, and saw Tupacs face on my wall. I was locking myself in the bathroom and thought the pope was marrying me to 50 cent, which was strange because Diddy was my man. I thought there was a camera in the ceiling fan in the living room and I was being monitored. My son was putting all the food my mother bought in his room so I couldn’t eat it. That The phone I did have with mobile I hadn’t even given Elaine the number yet. So I didn’t have her number. We where talking thought Facebook messenger, that I was posting all types of absurd things, and locked myself out of the account.

The past will come back to bite you. After doing much harm to myself, My credit score is 429. You need a 700 to rent in New York City. 13 pages of deliquent accounts the credit advisor pulled up when I had my credit history reviewed.

I wanted to die when I heard I wasn’t a good candidate to rent any place. His only suggestion was to claim bankruptcy, but I still didn’t have the $2000 dollars to pay a lawyer with having to give 60% of my income up for savings. He wanted me to see Bronx legal services Legal Aid society.

I never called or went. For one when I did this credit review I had been in the shelter 4 months. I didn’t have a phone or car fair to get to someplace I wouldn’t be able to find with Google maps. So I had learned that if I can’t get placed in an apartment or a share that I would have to live in scattered housing which has case managers on site or a group home. Its been a year in May the passed that I have been in the shelter, and I haven’t even built an income profile yet.

I sit back and wonder how many other woman are in the same situation I’m in. Not only that I have been arrested and let out on my own recoginitice for shop lifting. Is that on my background check? I have no idea. All I know is I had to take a picture for a mug shot.

Its been a year, and I dwell on where am I going to live. Perfect time to be thrown out on your ass, in debt that its suggested that you file chapter 7 bankruptcy. Its nice to have SSI, its a real cushion to not having anything but $45 dollars a month and donated cash by someone you met on a dating app, I literally have no place to go. I have to assume that when its time to start looking at apartments and talking about scattered sites that It will take some time to be selected, because I cut be choosy. Its not first come first serve in my situation. I literally have to face the fact that I may be living in a dwelling with medal detectors and paying for it for the rest of my life or in a group home for the mentally challeneged and sharing a room with someone who has worse mental health issues then I do. Or being segregated to my own room but having a curfew and no after hours.

Its why I invested in a laptop. I have to put my story out there for people to read. Im no convert, I changed. Im not a thief anymore, I cant be anyways. But I decided to invest in something greater so I can keep my mind active and build an audience. Its better then writing on paper where no one can see or read my thoughts and my experiences.

A year passes by so quickly, that living in a shelter that the day is cumbersome. The day is surrounded by waiting for something to eat. Its breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you want to eat out you can but The shelter is run by the kitchen. 3 meals a day. No dessert only on special occasions if by chance they are able to provide dessert, that the bakery up the block on burnside ave is making a killing excepting EBT for a slice of cake. A slice of cake is $4 dollars.

There are primarliy Spanish restaurants around the shelter. I live in little puertorico is what the ladies call it. The only thought on everyones mind is what time are they going to eat, or getting something to eat. The food is served one helping at a time, no seconds only at lunch time if they can manage it. So you kind of go to bed hungry. Theres really no science behind running a community kitchen.

I will never be able to take my daughter to brunch or go to Central Park in the summer time and spend time with my daughter in the little playground on 96th and Central Park. I won’t be able to fall asleep watching friends or watch cable tv. I won’t be able to have the little moments shared with my family, or have Thanksgiving feast, or open Christmas gifts ever again. Im on my own to deal with my demons; mental health, schitophrenia.

I don’t like living in a shelter. But my world revolved around how was I going to get money, or moving out of state. That when I brought the pitbull Harlow into the apartment I just added her to the cost of moving, all on $733 a month. I didn’t think that having retail credit would effect me. I really had no idea you needed a credit score to move, or if it would effect you having section 8. you cut get approved for section 8 with a piss poor credit score. The past haunts me every day. Im always afraid that Im going to have an episode and if I do who’s going to know if Im in the hospital. My schitophrenia is low grade, being stressed out effects my daily functions of trying to be normal. And Im going to have to see a psychiatrist for the rest of my life. I didn’t think of how was I going to feed the dog or take care of vet expenses. Which is another bill I owe to Gotham vets for Harlow getting spayed. They put me on a payment plan and I still owe $200 for the cost of her spay.

Was I in an episode for a year back in 2016? It progressed slowly. I never want to hear voices again. It was scary to be alone in the streets of New York and not have a place to sleep, and hearing voices telling me that Diddy was coming to get me, just hold on. That when I got a deposit of $2500 dollars in my bank account I spent it on Mac make up and a hotel room for 3 nights. By the time I tried to stay there a 4th night I had run out of money. I had ear buds on and was listening to music and hearing voices through the music.

The past stares at me every day. Im not up date with E! news or anything celebrity unless I log on to twitter or google news that comes across my phone screen. Ill never have cable tv again, unless I keep paying for subscriptions to Netflix and Hulu. The only thing I can can keep up with is Power because I have the starz app, but there’s no one to talk to about the up coming powerbook the continution of power. I would talk to Elaine about the show. We would watch it together on Sunday nights and then get on the phone and talk about the show together. I don’t have a pot to piss in or a friend in the world who cares about me.

I can’t share the story line with Ruby, she doesn’t have any apps on her phone, and is busy watching Micheal Jackson videos on repeat. I will never have a comfortable bed to sleep in, or a home cooked meal, like curry chicken the way my mother used to make it. And if something should happen to my parents or my children Ill never know about it.

My life now revolves around keeping my public assistance case open and making sure I get my entitlements, going to the psychiatist once a month going for a cryotherapy to get rid of the hpv. They don’t do the procedure at the clinic I have to go to the hospital in September. Then when I turn 40 Im looking at a mommagrahy. I don’t have any words or wisdom from my mother, or to see my step father come over with food he prepared for the family. I will never hear my sons stories how he was on his bike and almost “got a little bit hit by a car.” Or see my daughters school pictures or do her hair. I was living well beyond my means, and it reflects now. It did when I was living at home but I didn’t have an apartment under my name or paying the rent to take notice that I was destroying myself.

26 credit cards and all of them I owe and student loans. And I have no way of paying them back. If I work Student loans will garnish my wages which is worse because I wouldn’t be eligible to move into my own apartment. I would be working to pay off student loan debt. Who’s going to rent to me with my credit history. I can’t even get into nycha which is public housing. Theres no point in filling out an application online.

Some of the cards weren’t even explanitory, like Mandees. I can’t even fit their clothes, I just bought my mother clothes, and me a pair of boots, one day we went for a walk and stopped in mandees. I just wiped out the card like nothing. I thought I was being an adult by having credit lines, that I looked into having a time share like Ging. I couldn’t afford it. I even went so far as to apply for spousal support from SSA May 1st 2016, because my husband was in the army I thought I would be able to get his military points and get SSDI. He had to be living in the house hold and they would have had to found me disabled under SSDI terms.

I tried my hardest to live normally. But tying to keep up with the jones was a job in itself, that no body notice I had signed myself out of treatment. Things I was always waiting for the first of the month, that by the time I set up shop and was paying off as many cards as I could I set up payment for the first of the month including the cell phone bill, and over withdrew on my account with chase every month. I had pulled out money to take my daughter to brunch, but I had to make sure I had my gadgets on and working so she could use the tablet and her phone to play games.

I was trying to give my kids what I never had. I was raised an only child, so having a video game like Nintendo came with an arguement from my father before he allowed me to get a video game or a tv in room. He wanted me to read, that most of the time my allowance to get getting books from barnes and noble, and the weekend spent taking a walk with Monifa a girl who moved into the building when I was 12 years old. She was 13 and had a younger sister. Her mother was a single mother and they where renting the apartment down the hall from me. We would go to barnes and noble and buy a book and and got into the vampire diaries. That once a week we would be going to the book store.

But my mother never took me shopping or take me with her to get my nails done. She was an older mom, so by the time I was 13 she had stopped getting manicure and pedicures. I wanted more for my relationship with my daughter. I wanted to be able to go shopping with her and get manicures and go out to eat, that I vowed that when I was working for dry bar I would make it to manager of a one of the salons, it was just blow drying hair, right?

Little did I know the performence the job required. I now know I can’t work, and its not because of my student loan debt. I don’t function correctly. Im a misfit to society. My mental health is a big factor in my every day existence. Im always afraid Im going to have psychotic episode that I religiously go to my psychiatry appointments.

I just wish that I belonged to someone, even one of the cliques within the walls of the shelter. My only friend is my phone, my tablet, and now my laptop. I enjoy journaling my journey though my new life as a client on Susans place.


There have been many men in my life who Ive dated, have had sex with, one night stands, and had full blown relationships with. But they didn’t last long. I now look at my misfortune with men as part of my diagnoses with being bipolar. Being bipolar you can’t hang on to relationships for too long. Its part of the character behavior with being bipolar.

My last relationship was 2 years ago with a guy named Will. He was an artist of cartooning a single father a vet from Newark New Jersey. We met on tagged. He was going to art school in the city on 34th Street. I was going to empire beauty school. I had had just graduated school when I met him. Our relationship was based on sex. I went so far as to travel to Newark to meet him so he could could take me to a cheap hotel. He was on public assistance and trying to get a graphics team together because he believed in his art work so much. But he smoked weed and it hindered him. He never completed school, dropping out and moving to New York with his 3 kids during the summer of 2016. He had to start at Path in the bronx. I went out of my way to rent a hotel room at the Days inn for him and his 3 kids for $159 dollars a night. I used my SSI money. There was a bed and a pull out couch for his kids to sleep on. He had two sons and a daughter. My daughter and his kids got along well. We would have play dates and go to the park with the kids.

He decided to move to New York Path placed him in Brooklyn off the L train. He was in east New York. For his birthday in June I bought him an iPad from finger hut. Which is part of my many debts, finger hut. I had a $800 dollar credit line with the company. SO I decided for his birthday I would get him an iPad mini. He was ever so grateful. I even went so far as to get him a iPhone on my mothers account because he was on boost mobile and I didn’t agree with it. Delusions of grander. I was in the middle of one of my episodes and I thought I could do it all on $733 a month.

We broke up because it just wasn’t working out. He was always late to meet me, meeting up with is cousin to smoke before going out with me, and he had a curfew, because when he went out his mother would watch his children and she wanted him back by a certain time. We got into an argument I don’t even remember what it was about, and we broke up. He’s back in Newark. I know because I found him on Facebook and checked his stats.

But our relationship was based primarily on sex, he would use his EBT cash and would rent hotel rooms and have sex. We did dinner once and the bar for his birthday, which I paid for where we had chicken wings and beer. I had a cosmopalitian. Will was an ok kind of guy, but just as broke as I was he was struggling to be a single father and get housing in Newark New Jersey with the veterans association of America. He was trying to get section 8 in Newark New Jersey. He was living in a family shelter at the ymca.

I even went so far as to buy him clothes from express from one of the many cards I had, and had it delivered to my apartment. I made him take out a line of credit at old navy and by his kids some clothes. My son didn’t like him too much but I was doing to the responsible thing so I thought. Will was still married to his children mother who lived in the bronx, with two other children by two other men, she had an open ACS case where she had to go to court for parenting classes. Will had full custody of his 3 children, but they had problems. the youngest, Ari, peed the bed because of all the moving around they did. When he was finished with deploy he settled in Virginia. Where he moved in with a woman who beat his kids. So he left and moved back home to Newark New Jersey. He had a cleaning company so he called it. But just like myself he had delusional dreams of become a famous artist. Self medicating to take the pain away for being a single father to three children, he suffered with bipolar disorder.

Then there was Cory Brown who was a security guard. He gave me money when we where together. We where not even dating but when I had a psychotic episode and was put in the hospital he told my father that I used his debit card to purchase iTunes music. He has bought me a iPhone 3. He let me use his debit card to open up an iTunes account. And I did, I down loaded music and used his debit card to buy music. My father paid him back the $20 dollars.

Corey would come over to see me, and spend time with me, I met him on black planet. He wasn’t cute at all, slightly over weight and he looked like a monkey. We never had sex, but he would give me money. I would use the money to get my nails done. I used him. He went as far as helping me get 6 video games for my son for Christmas for the playstation 3.

There was Q Bangs, aka Qory from Newark New Jersey. we met on tagged. Our whole relationship was based on sex and weed. I even went so far as to let him spend the night in my apartment. This was before my daughter was born. My son was about 8 or 9 years old. I wasn’t working, I wasn’t on public assistance I was just chilling on borrowed time. Q, was a “do music” kind of guy. He had friends who had recording studios hooked up in their basements and he would rap over home grown music and keep it on his iPod. This is when nextel was in service. I had a nextel phone and so did he and we would chirp each other good morning.

Things with Q didn’t last long because he had other interests and had picked up a girlfriend along the way who ended up getting pregnant and have his twins. Q like to smoke weed also and was going to go to school of audio research but got arrested for sell weed. He ended up with 5 kids on a drug deals salary. He’s one that never made it out of the hood. He’s still in Newark sell weed and doing music. I used to follow him on Instagram.

For Qs birthday I had bought him a designer zippo lighter which he told me later on he lost. He wasn’t that interesting a person, when you meet a guy that smokes weed from the morning till he goes to bed The Who day is the chase after a blunt.

I used to be that way, wake and bake. That was the one thing I could relate to with the men I met on social media. I have been sober for 2 years now or maybe longer. My last drag of a blunt was with will from Newark in a motel room before we had sex. I know I shouldn’t have but I did. With my diagnosis smoking weed isn’t a good thing. I could have a psychotic break or worse.

Theres Mike from my old building he had his own apartment his parents left him and moved to Miami. He had one child and He had invited me to come chill with him in his apartment to smoke up. He wanted a one night stand but I declined because he wasn’t my type. But we did smoke up and kissed a little. He had sent me a picture of his penis when I left his apartment. We both had iPhones. His daughter was my daughters class. son every morning I would see him in the classroom when we went to drop off the kids at school.

I have had a lot experiences with one night stands that I can’t even remember all the names of the men I have been with. But not a lot where as generous as Abdul. no one has taken me shopping or given me money consistently. Abdul gave me $20 dollars a week while I was on welfare he missed like two weeks because he had to work over time at his job. He’s a city sight seeing ticket seller. He told me he brings home 50% of the tickets he sells every day. He used to be off Tuesdays and Saturdays. He would meet me at 1 o’clock in front of the shelter and give me $20 dollars give me a hug and leave. He’s muslim and African. Which isn’t my problem but I just don’t want to lead him on.

He was going to take me to Red lobster for my birthday but we never went. the conversation is the same when ever we text and Theres nothing to take about because his English isn’t that good, he’s here on a work visa, and loves it in the Bronx. He maintains himself pretty well fresh hair cut and clean clothes, he wears cologne. He had a one bedroom apartment near yankee stadium he paying $950 for, he has cable and a cell phone. His nephew is staying with him until he gets on his feet. But when I met Abdul it was on tagged. First he was texting me on my Obama phone, then when I switched up and got Metro PCS he got my new number. But the conversations aren’t that in depth. Im looking for someone who will actually talk to me.

Im so Bord and so lonely that I could cry. And now Im stuck in this hotel room alone. Security comes around every so often to check up on the clients of Susans place. We have the whole motel. But same rules apply when ever leaving the building we get wanded for contraband. We get our 3 meals a day sent by van request all the way from the kitchen of Susans place.

The other problem I have is Im still married to my daughters father. I can’t afford a divorce and I can’t do uncontested because there was a child with in the marriage, and a product of the marriage. There was no point in gettin married. It didn’t stop him from having a porn addiction, and trying to incorporate porn into our sex life. I was so sick of William that I packed his things and told him to leave the key on the table and leave. He was renting a storage unit at Manhattan mini storage to keep his porn magazines and the little bit he did own, away from me. I was so angry with him that when he did his taxes and got back a return with both our names on it, he had already moved out I took the check and deposited it into my bank account. He got back back $10,000 and then another $800. I spent the whole the thing. I bought diapers, and clothes for my son and my daughter, I bought a used Mac book to store music on, I bought so many things I didn’t need, I could have used it to pay back my student loans. But I wasn’t thinking of my student loans. I was thinking of bills. I was trying to make sure my kids had clothes and the things they wanted. My daughter was just a baby so I needed things and William didn’t have the money to give me for diapers when he was paying for a storage unit.

I met a guy named Jason on plenty of fish. He was from middle town New York. He had traveled from middle town to come visit me. This was back when my son was 6 or 7 years old. I ended up getting pregnant from Jason. And using my mothers American Express card to pay for the abortion. My friends and Jason went with me for the abortion. I didn’t have medicaid at the time, but my son did. I don’t remember why I didn’t have Medicaid but I had to pay out of pocket for the abortion. Jason couldn’t cough up any money, I was 21 and he was 19 and he had no money. He told his mother he was visiting friends for the weekend and snuck and came to see me in the city. We went bowling with my friends. I met him at port authority. We where only together for 4 months before things got rocky. He lived in Middle town New York and it was getting hard for him to come and see me, that I went out of my way one time to get him a hotel room at the days inn from money I stole.

Jason was my first abortion. I was so scared that my mother would find out that I was pregnant. I didn’t even know that I was pregnant until I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I was 2.5 months pregnant. We ended up just breaking up because as time lapsed on there was lack of communication.

My second abortion was from my boyfriend Monroe, he put my bow flex together. I had a credit line with them, and so I had one sent to the apartment. Im in debt all over the place. My mother never said anything about the bow flex except that it was taking up too much space in the twin size room I had to myself. She had just built a third room by the dinning room, she had a wall put up so my son could have his own room.

Monroe wanted me to keep the baby, because he wanted to see what it would look like. But we ended up skipping classes at Mandell and Going for the abortion down in china town. Medicaid picked up the tab for it. Monroe was going to the VA hospital for psychiatric treatment because he was diagnosed schizophrenic. We needed our relationship when I found out he was sleeping with his wife again and I was the other woman. We had already finished classes at Mandell. When I had the abortion I was a month and half pregnant.

I have come across to many different types of men in my life time. Non of my relationships where good. I never had a domestic violence relationship where I was beat up but I Have been dated raped twice, unreported. Like when I went to the hotel room with a guy named Drew. He was coming over to watch Power with me. He was from Harlem, a security guard with one child. We met from plenty of fish. We wasn’t really my type of guy but we got along well. He would stay for dinner and my mother got involved in the conversations and telling her story when she was married to my paternal father who was a corrections officer in matawan New York.

We kinda started to like each other, but I was hesitant. So one night we where fooling around, and the next time I saw him he said why don’t we go to a “telly” He knew a good spot in the Bronx.

We where getting into it and he had me Doggy style and stuck his finger in my anal cavity. He must have not cut his nails and he scratched in the inside of my anus. I put my hand back to stop him from penetrating any deeper. He was drunk so the fuss must have excited him he ejaculated inside me. He rolled over and went to sleep after. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up. And I noticed I was bleeding from my rectum. We stayed the rest of the time in the motel room until it was time to check out. He slept off the alcohol, and we walked back to the train. We had gotten into an arguement, I forget what about, but the train ride back was distant. He was loud and abrasive and rapping about hoes and bitches directing it towards me.

Drew was a drunk who lived at home with his mother. And “had” to get a job to pay his child support. In the beginning before I learned he was a drunk, I had given him a phone that was disconnected from my account. By this time, I kept two phones. And iPhone and a galaxy phone. One was for business which never rang and the other was my personal number which was my iPhone. I gave him a disconnected note 4 phone. My mother really didn’t know what was going on with the sprint account I was maintaining it for the most part. So When I gave him the note 4 he gave me $40 dollars.

After the “telly” experience I never heard for him again. we went our separate ways.He was ruff and mean during our time at the motel, that I consider what he did date rape. And I told him to use a condom he didn’t.

I never really met a guy through a mutual friend or dated anyone from the neighborhood like my friends did. I barely hung out on the “block” like Ging or Elaine. I wasn’t familiar with the guys from the neighborhood except the ones who grew up in the building.

I did have a crush on Kurious Jorge a small time rapper who made his claim to fame with a song called walk like a duck. Now he’s underground and performs in Germany and out of the country. I had a crush on him he had blue eyes and curly hair, he was Puerto Rican. if you Google Kurious he will pop up. He grew up in my building where I used to live. His mother still lives there.

I never had a guy buy me anything of give me presents like Elaine did or Ging. I was always the oe doing the entertaining, or coughing up the bill for a night out. Im just plan and simple an a low life. thats how I feel about myself.

I met one guy when I was 25, from Blackplanet. He was just turning 21, I had a on night stand with him, and I gave him a ring that my mother bought for me. It was a mens ring which she bought for me in Tarry town mall. It was my birth stone it was a little big for me, but I vowed I would get it adjusted. I gave him the ring when we we where feeling each other and talking about if we lasted a year we would get married. After our one night stand, that night I called him he sent me to voice mail, I left a message stating I needed the ring back I shouldn’t have given it to him. He never contacted me again.

Then there was Salah from Virginia he worked for time Warner with his grand father. He moved from Virgina to New York and was renting a room in the Bronx. we never did anything but kiss once, we used to smoke up together. We where hanging out the summer I had to take my son to court appointed visitation at the family court house. My sons father decided he was going to try for full custody, and we have to be investigated by ACS. My father paid for a lawyer for me, and after 4 court cases, my sons father had a letter drafted stating that he was giving up his paternal rights. Salah ws with me for the summer. But things slowed down between us. We where chum, but he got busy with work and trying to find an apartment, that we lost contact.

Now Im back on the same apps like Tagged, hi five, plenty of fish and meetme looking to find a connection to someone.

I was standing outside in front on Susans place smoking a cigarette when a passer byer approached me. He introduced himself as Isaac. He asked me for my name and asked me if I lived in the shelter. He was from the neighbor. I was feeling pretty low that day, I hadn’t gotten my ssi yet so all I had was my Obama phone and we exchanged numbers. He told me he was living in a shelter for a year and then he got his apartment. He lived up on Burnside. I ended up going to his walk up apartment where he made me a cup of coffee, and he wanted to get know me, but was asking me question pertaining to sex, like what was my favorite position, if I liked anal sex, and did I wear thong panties. I left after 20 minutes of being there.

It doesn’t matter how I meet men, the questions are always the same, even now on the dating apps or they want to meet up right away, “when Imma see you” is getting real tired. and all I want is a connection, some stimulating conversation. I know Im not going to get that being on a dating app. Adbul is the closest thing Ive gotten to meeting up. when he found out I was just a few bus stops away from him he had gotten on the bus and just showed up one day, and text me to come outside. So I went outside, and he took me to the thrift store across the street from the shelter to get some clothes.

The next time I saw him he had a large bottle of shampoo and two deodorants for me. And he took me back to the thrift store to buy a winter coat. He used to text me every morning good morning, we only had one conversation about how he got his working papers and that he was from west Africa, and he has his degree in sports management, but there’s no such thing here in the states, and how he working visa.

Adbul bought me bras from amazon and panties from the the thrift store. He’s done a lot for me. And with giving me $20 a week was what he could afford. The first time in the thrift store he spent $150 on sweat pants and t shirts for me. Then he also bought me a pair of sneakers from Amazon because he had an amazon prime account. He’s the only guy thus far who has gone out of his way to do something nice for me. And When I had to go to the social security doctors in Pelham Bay he gave me $40 to take take a cab if I needed to. I ended up going with Mike who I met online, who was living with his sister, then left to go to a VA shelter to find a place to live.

Mike ended up in Long Island city at a Va shelter. And from there a room in the Bronx on elder avenue. He was working for a bar as a fry chef. Then a deli in down town Manhattan now I don’t know where he’s working but we stayed in contact. He watches downloaded movies he hacks on bit torrent and connect to wifi. His rent is $900 dollars a month and I simply don’t know how he makes it with all the jobs he works. Being a fry a chef doesn’t come with any perks.

Abdul has a job with the tour buses downtown Manhattan selling the tickets to tourist as they walk by. He makes an honest living, but I don’t see anything more then just being friends with him. We have nothing to talk about. He checks on me and texts me almost every day good morning or good afternoon. He know nothing more then what Ive told him about myself. That I’m single I have no children and I lost my apartment when the building went coop. I couldnt afford the rent anymore so I had to go to a shelter. Most people don’t know that its a mica shelter. But when they see the shelter they know its a shelter.

I know Adbul wants more with me. He is waiting patiently for me to show up at his apartment for a visit. He said he would buy the food I want to cook and we can have dinner. But I have a curfew, and I really don’t want to go to his apartment. The only reason why I started talking to him in the first place because he was persistent. We talked about relationship goals. He fully understands that I don’t want to get married, but this man wants children, and is waiting patiently for the oppertunity to present itself for him to be a father. He’s 48 years old after all. He’s not playing any games when it comes to settling down. But I don’t and can’t settle down with anyone. I have too much in my past thats hindering me, and my future looks bleek. He doesn’t even know that I was married and still married to my current husband. He doesn’t even know that I suffer with mental health issues. He just thinks Im in the shelter waiting on vouchers and trying to put my life back together. He thinks my SSI is for arthritis only. I do in fact have arthritis but thats not why Im getting SSI. Its the hospitlizations and my mental health status that allows me to get SSI.

He knows I have no family that my mother and father past away some time ago and I don’t have any aunts or uncles to speak of. Where as he comes from a big family in west Africa, that his brothers are calling New York home and are raising families, I don’t know how to turn him down gently, so I let things be and continue the sharade.

A little history

When I applied for social security income the first time ever, I was denied. I had only been hospitalized twice, and they didn’t find me disabled. I had to go for an appeal. Which meant a year long wait to go to court in down town Manhattan at civil court.

My daughter was 3 at the time, and I had a case manager named Natasha Phillips coming to see me once a week to make sure I was taking my medication and make sure I was ok. She was appointed by the hospital and I had no choice but let her come and visit me. She was nice and helped me apply for a Obama phone. My mother was working for democracy prep high school in east Harlem. Her job at ART oh mi was temporary but she soon landed a job at Democracy prep. She was making $75000 a year as the high school librarian. She was the bread winner, and I was just another mouth to feed.

I had been lying to snap with a letter I hand wrote myself with a factious address and phone number stating that I was baby sitting for $100 dollars a week. The offices don’t have enough leeway to cross reference letters or pay stubs so I was able to get snap with out having to go to work force. Work force is orientation for non working working people. They give you a test to see where you stand academically and Point you in the direction of a person who handles job fair. And your supposed to go to orientation to get help getting a job. They have jobs at staples and and security positions, and they don’t help with metro cards. Your suppose to run around New York City on their appointments given so you can keep your snap benefits. You have be doing something. Working or going to school. It wasn’t until I had to apply for welfare the very first time I learned this. I decided to go to Manhattan barbering school on 28th street and broadway. I had a student loan taken out and I was getting $64 dollars every two weeks in cash assistance and $597 in snap benefits. I still just a single mother of one child.

The course was 12 weeks and at the end I had to take the practical which was hard as fuck. It was given at the school and my father had his brother as my model He got a hair cut and a hot towel shave. I failed the master barbers test. I only had my temporary license. I was able to get a chair working in a barber shop in the Bronx off the the 2-3 train. I was in a shop with a bunch of men and I had no idea what I was doing that the manager of the shop had to finish my hair cuts. He wanted me to work on the beauticians side of the shop, it was a double shop one side was a barber shop the other side was beauty salon. But I didn’t have my license so I quit the job.

So then I found out that I didn’t have to apply for full welfare benefits I could just go to the snap office on 125th and 8th ave, someone told me to lie to them and just get a letter saying I was working so I didn’t have to go to child support court again. So I wrote a letter and I was Approved for snap benefits. My cash was coming from my mother. I didn’t have enough to get my nails done so Elaine was generous enough to pay for me keep my nails done. And when I wanted my hair braid I was steal my mother debit card and take out $100 so I could go to 125th street and between 6th and 7th ave to my girl Kane to get my hair braided in an African hair braiding shop that I had been going to for some time.

I was still applying for job and getting some interviews but never called to start working. Until I got job working with a veterinarian as front desk reception. He delt primarliy with Cats, located on 79th and broadway. I got fired from the job because I screwed up the paper work on the computer. I got paid $80 dollars. I didn’t even last two weeks on the job.

So when I found out I could lie to snap thats what I did. I had snap for 6 months until recertfication, and the same rules would apply. I would have to bring in a copy of the lease, a letter that I was working or pay stubs, and wait to be seen by one of the snap officers. This went on for some time and as long as I was putting food on the table no one said any thing. I did still try to find work. I lied on my resume and used my friends as references like when I was working for the town shop which was a lingerie shop on broad way and 81st street.

So when I was hospitalized, then hospitalized a second time, Natasha told me to apply for SSI, that I may not get approved the first time but I could do an appeal and go to court. Surly enough Thats what happened.

Natasha met me down town by 8am to go to court. It was was in July. My father came by the apartment to baby sit for me and I went down to the court houses.

When you do an appeal you have to write to SSA and give a reason why you want to appeal the decision made in your case, and you have to do it online. I had a little notebook laptop called an EEEpc my father bought me for Christmas. I had to make a social security profile and submit To a questionnaire form. I was given a reference number and in a few days a letter in the mail with my court date attached to it. I had no money for a year. I was getting $20 a week from my mother or when I needed money for appointments with snap. I was given laundry money to do mine and my daughters laundry and I spent my time home with my daughter.

I went to my bi weekly appointments with outpatient care on 114th street and Amsterdam with my therapist Chris Wilson and my psychologist Ricardo Miller. I was given a metro card at he clinic to get back home, then I had my weekly visits with Natasha.

Natasha worked for a program called Post graduates on 23rd street. Her job was to visit mentally challenge people at home to make sure medication was being taken and if needed fill out a 2010e. I wasn’t eligible for a 2010e because I already had shelter and I was a single mother . You have to be living in a shelter and not have children, and be recieving SSI. She was in charge of placement of 2010e like moving someone into a group home and things of that nature.

My daughter wasn’t school age yet so Natasha tried her best to help me get her into day care but I had to be working in order to get her into day care. So I would spend most of my time pushing the stroller to Barnes and noble and coming back to feed her lunch. Alot of time was spent in front of the Tv. Because I was on Zyrexia I was groggy. It was a anti psychotic drug. Which left me incompassitated. I would sleep until noon leaving my daughter to fend for herself while my mother went to her 9-5 job. I couldn’t get up out of sleep. So as my mother left She would leave the house phone by my head and my daughter would be up playing with her toys while the tv was on. My mother would feed her breakfast.

It was July when I had to make a court appearance at civil court. My appointment was at 9am. I was there by 8 am waiting outside for Natasha to show up. She was my witness. If you need to bring someone with you to court like a case manager or a family member it was written in the questionaire I had to fill out online.

The judge was given a letter from my psychologist stating that I was unable to work because I was in intensive outpatient care at the psychologists office and that I was a good candidate for SSI. The judge read the letter and told me not to move to expect a letter in the mail in 7-10 days with a determination. In about 5 days I got a letter in the mail it was my award letter. I had to go to the social security office which used to be located on 55 west 125th but moved to 209 west 127th street and 7th ave.

When I went that Monday morning to to the social security office I learned that I would only be getting paid $421 a month but if I brought a letter back from my mother stating I was paying utilities I would get the full benefit amount of $733. So I came back with a letter from my mother, and they called her to verify. So once a month on the first I was getting $733 a month. I got retro active pay in a span of 6 months I got a deposit in my td bank account for $3600 I gave my mother half, the $3200 then another $3600 dollars. I gave my mother half of all the back pay. I spent the rest of it on clothes for myself and my daughter and bought a phone. My mother already had ATT so she let me get an iPhone and the cell phone bill was my responsibility. My son was starting high school and needed a phone so my mother took him to ATT and got him an iPhone. He was attending Essex street academy in china town. So I had 3 phone lines that I was responsible for paying. The bill was $125 a month.

I was feeling myself. I had an iPhone and Elaine had just moved to jersey city she had had her second child and was goin through a divorce. She had an iPhone and we would face time each other and talk all the time. My son said to me its business phone Im not doing anything why did I have an iPhone. When he started high school is when things begin to change between him and I. He was more arrogant and told me about myself more then one occasion. He was acting out and smoking weed by the 9th grade and hanging out with older boys from the building. But what could I do, his father wasn’t around. He was still a good kid but our relationship was rocky. I was only good on the first of the month I got paid, he would hit me up for money so he could go out with his friends.

Before ATT had grandfathered back in unlimited everything we where on a data plan. So the bill was always escalating. The bill rose to $300 and thats when My son was in the 11th grade and started working for insomnia cookies. So my mother and I switched to Sprint and got new iPhones and my son had ATT which he paid his $90 bill with his pay check. I thought if I could show him responsiblity it would be to pay his own cell phone bill, but most of the time my mother paid it because he was always using his money to buy weed and fix his bike at the bike shop. If it wasn’t the tires it was the spokes.

By the time My daughter was in kindergarten the sprint bill was almost $500 a month, because I added tablets and I had a subscription to beats music. I had $75 dollars left after all my little bills where paid, and the laundry still hadn’t been washed. My mother was paying to wash my laundry.

My daughter got left back in kindergarten, she was being tested for a learning disability by the school, but they wanted to wait until she was in the first grade.

We had switched from time Warner cable to Verizon fios and I had Verizon fios put in my name so I could have a bill in my name so when I went to the DMV for my state Identification I could prove my address. I was still using a passport, and I had a ticket in my name for not wearing a seat belt, even though I had just taken it off when I was parked in front of the building after coming home from a lousy date, where I was date raped. He had made me drink his seaman after a blow job. then drove me back home and treated to leave me on a road in Queens, but ended up driving me home and getting a speeding ticket, and I got a ticket for not wearing a seat belt. I met the guy on black planet. And I was also Cat fished. It wasn’t the same guy from the pictures, but I still went on the date. I ended up getting pregnant and having an abortion.

I was always with out money by the time I got my SSI. I was good for a couple of months but when we switched from time Warner to Verizon fios I was always broke. My mother never asked me to contribute to the house hold because I was bringing the food stamps. I was putting food on the table. By the time I got my SSI I was up for recertification, I had to bring my award letter and a copy of the rent to recertification on 125th street. I wasn’t off zyprexia but my doctor had recalibrated my medication intake and instead of 25 milligrams I was put on 15 milligrams which helped. I was able to get up in the morning and take my daughter to school.

So it wasn’t until I started seeing my therapist and psychologist once month that I decided to go back to school. I only had had one problem with SSI which brought me to their offices they said I was over paid and they didn’t pay me one month, but quickly fixed the problem and the next day I was issued my money.

It was 2016, I enrolled at empire beauty school. Determined to get off Welfare and Close my ssi case and have a normal job, I was seeing my therapist and pscyhologist the entire time I was in school. I had to leave early on the day I had to travel from 34th Street to 114th on the 1 train. When I graduated I won award for time management. I had 98% attendence. I was at school by 8:30 am every day after dropping my daughter off at school, I was paying for after school which my mother took over payments because I couldn’t keep up with it and the cell phone bill.

I wanted a career not just a job. I was in deferment with my student loans so when I got approved for financial aid I was too happy. I got a pell grant to pay for school, which meant I got a check once a month from the bersus office of $225.

I was feeling myself, but panicked every time I got on the train. I would have to tell myself that I was just going to school. I was just taking the train, I would listen to music while on the train so I wouldn’t have to hear other peoples conversations.

I had already been receiving SSI for 4 years. So when I started School, I met Tamara, who owned a beauty salon on 106th and Columbus ave. She drove a Mercedes Benz and lived in the Bronx. I got her name and number from one of Elaines friends named Faye. I decide to have my hair cut into a pixie. My hair was pretty long about shoulder length, I had it relaxed and cut into the style I desired. I decided that shorter hair would be easier. And this was a sign I know now that when I do something dramatic its my bipolar acting up. I paid $85 dollars to have my hair done. Not thinking of the cost for up keep. I had bought all new clothes in black for school, and I had a disablity metro card in place which Natasha had taken me to Water street by the ferry to apply for before graduating out of post graduates. I no longer needed case management. I had case management for almost 3 years.

So I would put $35 dollars on my metro card which allowed me to ride the train for $1.35 per ride instead of $2.25 per ride. And that was for the month to get back and forth to and from school. I brought my lunch from home because there where micro waves or I bought lunch out or I didn’t even eat lunch when I was in school. It all depended on how much money I had.

So When I recertified with SSI for snap benefits, recertification was now every year, and not every 6 months. But thats all I had was snap and SSI. It wasn’t until I was in school that I learned section 8 was closed in New York City, but you can apply for section 8 outside of New York City there was a website with an online portal for the application process.

It wasn’t until after I resigned from the dry bar and go fired from manicube that I applied for welfare one last time. My son was 20 years old and my daughter was going on 10. Because he was working I had to put him on the budget and when he refused to go to orientation I decided that If I couldn’t get cash assistance then my mother couldn’t get the rent check. I don’t know why she let me have a bank account in her name but I guess she trust that I was make lucrative money reselling on mercari, which I was. I had made $600 and gave it to her. I also made made $100 dollars her and there, but I was selling off prized possestions like Beats head phones and video games and gently used clothes.

So I would check the mail, and take the checks and deposit them into the checking account at bank of America the bank I choose to open in her name. I would forge her signature and keep the $145 every two weeks.

My cash assistance was $145 every two weeks and that was with going to child support court. I was given $75 every two weeks from my daughters father but it went into arrears. I had gone to court 7 times, because William, my daughters father was scheduled for a phone conference from Pennsylvina. Then I had found a way to sign out of going to see my psychologist and therapist, so I was on my own.

I only collected 4 checks then cut off welfare after I was done with court. I went to reapply for just snap benefits. I ran into a snag, because my son was working I would still have to include his income on my budget. He was working for cash and didn’t get pay stubs. So I quickly learned that Even being head of household on the budget I was responsible for him under the same roof until he was 27 years old. I could no longer get food stamps. And I tried. I used the app and I went to the office and They wouldn’t let me get snap benefits.

This is when things took a turn for the worst and I let my daughter stay home for a week and an acs investigation was done on me and I was evicted from my mothers apartment. There was nothing but arguing going on, it was a span of couple of days when I found out the bad news about my snap benefits and when I got kicked out that when I tell you I was hearing voices I was hearing voices.

They where coming out from the Television. I was talking to myself. I thought I was in the FBI witness protection program and I thought Diddy was talking to me though the camera portal in the television.

I had bought a pit bull I named Harlow and brought her home. I told my mother she was a gift from a friend for when I move to Cohoes New York. I had a year on the waiting list for public housing. That didn’t mean I got the apartment it just meant to meet with the housing specialist for choice voucher. I called myself crate training the puppy and even though they fell in love with Harlow she is what broke the straw on the camels back.

I was sharing the master bedroom with my daughter at this point. My mother was in the living room. We decided to switch rooms because my son was coming home from work late and I didn’t want his noise to interfere with my daughters sleep for school, and with him leaving his bike in the living room, my space, there was nothing but arguing going on. So my mother suggested that we switch rooms, and that allowed me and my daughter more privacy. We had maintenance come up and help us rearrange the rooms.

So now its been a year. I don’t know how I made it living on the street for 3 months, that sleeping in a gazebo was the best memory I have from being in the street. I spent my days walking back and forth, stealing from dune Reade and spending my day in the time Warner shops building. People where giving me food and helping me with money they knew I was homeless. I was in central bookings to prove my identity and also for shop lifting. Being thrown out of mcdonlads and arrested for loitering. And with in a year and half managed to get my SSI back and now have to worry about my future. Im facing jury duty when I move and learning how to travel the Bronx is a big deal. And I thought I would have been able to make it on $733 with my daughter, even though she started receiving benefits.

I applied for Buffalo, Newark ny, tarry town, Florida, Massachustes, ohio, main, Vermont and some other places. How was I going to get there? I couldn’t afford a seat on a plane to and from. I didn’t know how to get am track. I also applied for Newark New Jersey housing development.

I went so far as to research mitchellama apartments in Manhattan down loaded and printed the application and sent it off by mail just so I could have my own apartment. I didn’t have money for furniture or a cup to drink out of. I didn’t know that when you move you have to go to the DMV and get a new identification with your new address on it. I didn’t know when you move you have to tell social security administration that you have a lease if your receiving benefits. I have to find the snap office for my location when I move. I have a lot on my plate to think about. I might end up in a group home.

So now this month is the first month I actually got paid from SSA, and I got May and June in one check on my direct express card. So when I got SSI the first time, I literally didn’t know how to act. And I was hospitalized also. I have been in the psych ward so many time that each time I was admitted the staff remembered my name.

The longest time I was in the hospital was right before I made it to Franklyn woman assessment shelter. I was hospitlized for two months, and all the while I was in the hospital I was hearing voices. I was counting security cameras to see if and when Diddy logged in to check on me. I was having conversations with myself about remember I had the eee pc, (the mini laptop my father bought me) and the poetry I wrote.

I also spent my time in the library pretending to read the boring selection of books they had in the hospital, not once did I ask about being discharged. I felt safe in the hallways of the psych ward. I was given 3 meals a day and I had a shower and note book to write my poetry in, in pencil.

I remember when I was living on the street, I had gotten food poisening. I was on 98th and Columbus ave inside star bucks. someone had given me $20 to get something to eat, so I got a Starbucks sandwich and a frapachino. I stayed until they closed. So I quickly went down the block to Petco and locked myself in the bathroom and spent the night in Petco. I was vomiting all night. It wasn’t until the manager of the store came to open up the store at 7am that she checked the bathroom and found me in there and told me to leave before she called the cops on me. She had her phone in her hand and recorded me getting up off the floor and leaving. The only reason she knew I was there because Petco has motion detectors inside the store. So when my stomach had calmed down, I left the bathroom to look for something I could make a pillow out of so I could lay down and get some sleep.

I was delusional the whole time I was out on the street, I kept getting asked if I needed help. I turned away Goddard assessment team which came around in the vehicle to see if any body needed help with getting into a shelter. I didn’t know it was against the law to be homeless, thats when I was sitting in the train station the cops even told me if I didn’t have anywhere to go I could go to a shelter they would take me. I said I had someplace to go. I was planning on staying on the street. It wasn’t hard to come up off a couple of dollars. People where feeding me and I had made a friend at Lincoln square who was buying me lunch and giving me a coupe of dollars.

The mind of a a schizophrenic. I had slept in the rain one night in the gazzebo on 58th street. I slept under a tarp I stole from a cart park outside someplace, probably from a panhandler who left their cart outside. And I lucked out on a pack of cigarettes. There was a stray cat that came and made friends with me, not once was I thinking about home. I thought I would see my family again I just had to do this one thing to prove myself to The FBI that watching me in glass eye so I could be reunited with Diddy and I would be able to see my family again.

Its been a long year. Now I have much to face living alone for the first time. I have a lot to take care of. First is the loneliness, everything else will follow. I have to say I made my bed, now I have to lay in it. I can’t even say I blame myself, its my mental health that is at play. I have all the time in the world to become and be creative now that I have the things I need like a laptop tablet and phone. But I have a lot to face, one day at a time.


Some of the people I know from the past have all gotten their lives together, except for me. While Im stuck in a homeless shelter, these people are all living their lives. Im sure they all found out that I lost custody of my children to my mother and Im probably some where in the world in a shelter.

While Im in debt and collecting 781dollars a month in SSI benefits, Elaine, Nonie, Marisol, Ging, and others have income and apartments, and family. I have no one. I put myself in debt. I took out retail cards and spent feverishly on clothes and accessories.

I had the Barneys card, old navy, torrid, Walmart, macys, Ashley Stewart, lane Bryant, express, tj Maxx, avenue, eddy baur, modells, loft, pottery barn, room place, Victoria secrets, chase master card, and a Visa card from a lenders company, and a few others that I can’t remember. And I went through each of the credit lines.

I kind of blame my mother for not showing me that credit could ruin your credit score. While I was at laguarida community college I had gotten a master card. There where people out side the college Soliciting new signees, and you could find out if you where approved right on the spot. I was approved for a $300 dollar credit line. I thought if I got a credit card I could put my books thats I needed for class. Not thinking that I had to pay it back. Ging always had a job as a waitress she got a $500 dollar credit limit. So when the cards came, we went shopping at old navy on 125th street. My mother wasn’t too mad at me, but she ended up paying off the card for me, and closing the account.

When ever I got into trouble paying off something my mother would swoop in and pay it off for me. I never learned until recently that I need my credit score to rent an apartment even with carrying a voucher like section 8 or cityfeheps.

I was more concerned with getting my hair and nails done and keeping up with what my friends where doing, like Chinta she moved out of her fathers apartment to Queens at 25 years old. She was working at a fortune 500 company. She had finished college and was paying off her student loans, she even had a saving and loan program set up for herself, and an American Express card. I always wanted an American Express card. Ging had Discover and American Express and even had a time share set up for herself by the time she was 30. Elaine was taking out the same cards and had Bloomingdales and got a discover card, but she had more money then I did With getting SSD and two extra checks for her minor children and child support she had her snap in place and her own apartment in Jersey city.

I never bothered to check my credit score. I just opened the accounts with the retail credit and set up an online account to pay the bill on the first when I got paid from social security. I know now you have to pay it when its due and not post date the check because they will close the account like Macys did. I had pac sun card I left my son buy clothes and I also had a pay pal credit line of $300 which I let my son buy bike gear from eBay.

I once spent a whole summer applying for job through craigslist and and I sent over 1000 resumes, with no call back. I had nextel phone which my mother was paying, I even had a fax line set up on my computer so I could fax my resume. I was good for nothing. My mother had even let me work from home from her her job at ART Oh mi where she was an accountant when she lost her job at Dalton do to down sizing. She was the boss now and I was getting a check for $179 dollars a week. This was before my debts. I didn’t have any credit cards, I had an assurance wireless phone and I had a case manager coming to see me once a week. I had already been in the hospital 4 or 5 times for a psychotic episode. My daughter was 3 years old, and I was a stay at home mother. she was in the potty training faze, so when my mother gave me the job to sort mail she brought back from the office, I jumped at the chance to make a pay check. My bank at the time was TD bank.

Im also in debt with banks, like TD bank, capital one, and Bank of America for over withdrawing on my accounts. Chase bank I closed when I got kicked out of the apartment.

When My mother was paying off my student loans I had to have $100 in my bank account for them to withdraw, of course my mother as giving me the money, I had to make 6 payments before I could differ my payments.

Then My td bank account was over with drawn when I opened up a chase account and had my benefits direct deposited into my chase account instead because I couldn’t get over draft. thats the only reason why I switched banks. I was buying things on mecari and I wanted this bag but didn’t have enough money and so I thought if I could over with draw and left the my ssi cover the difference I was good. So I switched banks so I could get over draft. I ended up buying the bag and over with drawing $500 on my account with TD bank. They closed the account and my benefits where safe I didn’t have to pay any fees.

I never worried about the debt I was accumulating because I never thought I would get kicked out and my mental health didn’t play a part in why I was grander living. I was accustomed to having what I wanted. I was getting older and So where my children and I really thought $733 was going to pave the way for me to live and support myself and two children.

So when I got the job at Dry bar I had to report my earnings to social security by phone. I had the potential of making $1500 every two weeks working full time. But the time I started after training I was down to $9.00 an hour and they had me down as part time. My daughter was 9. She was in after school with JCC which was free. My son was working and I was off welfare.

But I never got paid from The dry Bar. I was that bad a stylist that I had to keep going back to the training room floor. Then I got an email from the manager that I had bad reviews from the clients at dry bar and I needed to go back to school. I resigned my position. I never lost a dollar from my ssi because when your working and receiving ssi for every $100 dollars you make SSA takes $67 dollars out of your benefit. So I had to go back uptown to 209 west 125th street and 7th ave to let social security know that I was no longer working, after I transferred job to manicube. Manicube was a traveling manicure station that set up shop in corporate offices like coach and Viacom. They gave you the supplies, in a luggage suit case. It was a dry manicure which meant no water was used, and all the supplies where recycled. You got an iPad which was set up for in house payments and An array of nail polishes that you had to set up lights to darks on your display table.

I didn’t last too long at that job either so, I went to social security and let them know I was no longer working. I didn’t even get paid from manicube my reviews where so bad. And they gave us training with a manicurist at the manicube office down on 48th street.

So When I decided to apply for a retail card I was on my tablet window shopping. I was on the Ashley Stewart website and it said to apply for a card today, so I did and got approved. The digital card came up and I took a screen shot of the card and spent my time shopping on the website. I got approved for $150 dollars. Elaine had told me about promo codes from retailmenot and so I got got bunch of codes and got discounts for the items I purchased. I bought bras and a denim jumpsuit. The card came in the mail in 7 days, and I had already went thought the credit line.

So then I started to do some research on my tablet. I looked up retail cards and which banks sponsored retail cards and I started applying for retail credit. I told Elaine and She was doing the same thing and she ended up with 29 cards in a 3 month period I needed up with 26 cards.

I didn’t use them all right away. But one big purchase was a a mattress I forget which Store I gotten it from, but the credit line was $1500 dollars. I was sleeping on a futon and it was hurting my back. I was in the living room with my daughter. She and I where sharing the futon even though she had her own bed. I decided to get a mattress which was 6 month financing on the card, the mattress was $800 dollars with shipping from out of state the total came out to the full $1500 because of taxes.

Like I said I kind of blame my mother because When I was growing up she kept up with the jones. We would spend weekends at macys with her American Express card and Go shopping. She bought furniture and clothes like she was drinking water. My father was all about the hippest restaurant and we would always be going out to eat. I never learned the value of money. If you had it spend it thats what I learned. While my mother had the best clothes I had hand me downs from my God sister or my cousins. Shopping was always for my mother. She never bought me new clothes and This stuck in my head as I applied for retail credit.

As I got older no one sat me down and explained bank accounts or credit cards. No one told me about the birds and the bees which is how I got pregnant. I had a boyfriend, Im supposed to have sex. I know now that I can’t spend my money the way I want. I was lucky enough to get a double payment the month of June from Social security so I bought myself a referbished Mac Air 11.6. I had to wait 3 months for my payments to kick in because I was on the 9th month when I was approved for ssi. so I got my retro, (back pay) and I put 60% of it in savings, and spent the rest on clothes.

This time around I purchased myself a laptop, I determined to keep myself busy while living in the shelter and write my novel. I have nothing else to live for. I just have to think of a topic for my urban fiction novel Im going to self publish on my Mac.

I have no way of finding out how to pay back my student loans, or credit debt. Its too late. They where already sold off to creditors. The shelter has credit advisor come in once a week to a credit check on willing clients and I did mine a while back while I was waiting for my ssi to be determined. I had 13 pages of bad credit history. We talked about going bankrupt and filing chapter 7 bankruptcy when I get approved for ssi and using my back pay to pay a lawyer to put in the petition for me. But chapter 7 doesn’t take care of student loan debt. I owe over $50,000 dollars. Ive been to two different vocational schools, Mandell school of allied health and Empire beauty school.

I have no visitation privileges. Its like I was never there. I have to hold this weight on my own and see what happens with housing and the vouchers and such. I fear for my future with housing. Im going to end up in scattered housing with a case manager on site. Im not going to be happy living in a dorm type development. I have to grow up and take responsibility for the things I have hidden in my credit score.

I also have to take care of my mental health. Im not writing a novel to try and become famous. I enjoy writing. It keeps me busy. I have nothing or no one to pay gratitude to. Im a fucked up indiviual. I have $781 a month that 60% going goes into savings, but because Im in quartine I decided to buy the laptop from amazon. I also signed up for amazon prime so I could take advantage of the movies on prime. I bought a pair of sneakers because the ones Abdul bought me have a hole in the toe.

He was nice enough to buy me new balances, but the material is mesh so it wore a hole a toe. I have spending my food stamps on food from a gourmet deli that takes EBT and eating. Im in the room alone thinking of ways to pass the time for the next 3-6 months. I needed a laptop. I bought a carrying case for it as well.

And I go out to smoke cigarettes and people watch. I watch the people on Central Park with their families and the bike riders which reminds me of son with his bike. I see little girls with their mommies and I want to cry. I lost that. Its difficult to be seprated from my daughter. My son and I where not that close. As he got older he made it a point to tell me about myself. He didn’t like that I wasn’t working and that I was claiming disabled. But people with mental health fall into patterns. I haven’t found my pattern yet. I am all over the place with my thoughts and the only thing I keep worrying about is my credit score and my debts I owe. Am I the only one at the shelter with outstanding debt?

Living schitzoaffective

My relationships where not that great. Most based on sex I never really had a relationship. My new little friend, Abdul is great but I don’t want a relationship and he’s looking to settle down. He doesn’t know much about me either. He doesn’t know my diagnosis and he doesn’t know I was previously a mother of two.

There’s no way for me to be honest and tell men I lost custody of my children to my mother and I was evicted from the apartment in where I lived because of mental health issues. So I don’t bring it up. I just say I’m single with no children, but now I’m running into men who want to settle down and have children. I can’t have any more children because of my mental health. Acs would get involved and take the child away. Plus I’m stuck on missing my two children every day.

This is punishment for being schitophrenic. Having mental health issues is the worst because the world views you in a different way. It’s not like I did things the right way I was a thrief. I tried to get over on my mother so many times that I’m also in debt with Avon at a sum of 500 dollars. I thought I could sell the products online on eBay or mecari so I bought a bunch of products and it went to waste. I ended up using the products.

I’ve been with 29 men since my last relationship which was two years ago. I’ve had one night stands and relationships based on sex. I was always the one paying for a good time out. I met most of all my encounters online because I’m a recluse I don’t go out to meet men like at bars or anything like that. I barely had girlfriends to socialize with.

When I started Empire beauty school I really thought I was going to make some impact in my life and make friendships that lasted. I was doing something that I loved to do which was hair, even though I wasn’t good at it. I felt like I was only learning to do hairstyling so I could do my own hair and my daughter’s. I passed the classes and the practical but getting a job in the field was difficult. And working around seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, I got a note from my internist and gave it to my psychologist and signed out of intensive psychiatric treatment. I don’t remember what the letter said but my psychologist said he would need permission from my internist to sign me out of treatment. So I did it. I had been going to treatment for 5 years and was sick of it, I wanted a normal life.

This is as normal as it gets when you’ve been living a lie. This blog is my last ditch effort into sharing myself on social media truthfully and and be honest with myself. I’m not a good person. I met men online because I lack social skills. And found it normal to develop relationships with men from dating apps. All 29 have been from social media. Not one paid attention to me the way a man should and I have had some good times but I now crave attention and the only way I can get that attention is from dating apps like tagged and plenty of fish but what I’m looking for is a pen pal. Just someone to text and talk to about anything to take my mind off my worries. This is my task being on dating apps.

I have nothing to offer. But I feel bad for Abdul because he really likes me. I’m not not attractive I turn heads. Like there’s another gentlemen named Mike who’s a chef I met on hi five. He’s 60 years old though. He took me to my appointment to see the social security doctors in Pelham bay. He met me at 6 am in front of the shelter to take me to the appointment which was at 8 am. He lives in the Bronx and is a veteran. He now lives off the 6 train on elder avenue. But he’s not boyfriend material. He told me so. But he wants me to come to his room he’s renting so we could have sex. I declined. We kissed but I feel guilty moving on with my life with out my kids involved. Plus I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not girlfriend material.

Being in a relationship and being schitophrenic is daunting. I never know when I’m going have a mini episode even being on medication.

My last relationship was with a guy named Will. He was a veteran and a single father of three children. He lived in a family shelter in Newark new Jersey waiting for his section 8 to pick up so he could provide housing for himself and three children. He was still married to his childrens mother who had two other children with two other men. His situation was complicated.

I went into debt with that relationship also buying him a iPad mini from Fingerhut I had a 800 credit line. I bought the iPad for his birthday. Add express clothes to the debt I had a 300 dollar credit card for I bought him clothes.

I never got a chance to pay off my debts. Now that I’m alone and I have my SSI to myself I have more money then when I was living with my mother because I was over withdrawing from my Chase account to pay the cell phone bill and the cards I was maintaining . I’m in debt with Macy’s as well. I bought my son clothes and never paid the bill. I’m also in debt with PayPal for a 300 dollar credit line. And I wonder how I’m going to find any guy to approve of me. I have nothing to talk about because I live in a shelter and all I have is my blog where I tell the truth about my life. I don’t want another man in my life for a relationship. That’s why I have never been to Abdul’s apartment. He’s invited me to his apartment. A walk up by Yankee stadium. But I think if I go over there he will initiate sex with me. So I haven’t gone.

I’ve been date raped (unreported). Twice. I have a ticket in my name with the DMV for not wearing a seat belt which I’m in debt with so I can’t get a driver’s permit just a state id.

I’ve been pregnant a total of 5 times having 3 abortions. Living like I’m a recluse is the only thing I have. My life is a mess. That I’m getting sucidal tendencies researching how to end my life. I’m better off dead but I don’t have the balls to do it.

I was thinking of buying nembutal or potassium cynide pills off market and saving them for a rainy day. Nembutal is the painless way of taking my life. I have no one to live for. I won’t be missed by anyone I literally have to build friends from scratch and not honestly.

I can never really tell anyone that I am schitoaffective they will shy away from me. I just tell the people I chat with when I’m asked about my family life that I don’t have any family my mother and father passed away and I don’t have aunts or uncles. My grandparents are deceased but I stole cash from them also hidden in the dinning room beauro so I could buy a phone and keep up with Elaine’s purchases.

This is the life of a schitoaffective homeless person. The trials and tribulations of living with the fact I stole from family to keep myself afloat. I even got out of going to jury duty. My first time I had an excuse the second time I was pregnant with my daughter which was my excuse and I was never called back.

All the the things I fear are sitting staring at me in my face like jury duty in the bronx. My living situation. My credit score and my debt with student loans, that every night I pray I don’t wake up the next day.

There’s nothing to smile about any more. I have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done, and know my family is better off with out me.

The past

In the past, I have had a lot of different oppertunities to have a job. I couldn’t for the life of me work for $7.25 a hour and be a single mother. I tried working for barnes and noble for $7.25 an hour I made 50 bucks a day for two days. I worked for Godiva chocolates for $9 dollars an hour I worked for 3 days and I still couldn’t make up the difference with being a single mother. I don’t know how I was going to make it with no child support, and paying 5 bucks to get one the train to get to work and have a cell phone and try and go shopping. My mother was like if I work I had to contribute to the household by giving her half my paycheck. If I didn’t work I had an allowance of $20 dollars a week, so I resorted to stealing from her debit card to pay for things like getting my nails done and shopping. It was in small increments but Elaine got a job working for GNC and was bringing home 380 every two weeks and was able to buy timberland boots and clothes at Ashely Stewart.

I barely had work clothes and If I asked my mother to take me shopping it was for one or the other, work clothes or play clothes. I didn’t even have job interview clothes I wonder how I made it through the job interview. I had to pick jobs that I could go to an interview in jeans and a decent top, I barely had clothes as it was.

I worked for curves gym on 48th and 5th ave I was the front desk receptionst I got paid $10 dollars an hour for 4 days, and I still had to contribute to the house hold. My mother made $80,000 a year, I was pissed off that I had to give her half my check, that when she trusted that I was at the grocery store with her debit card buying the things she needed for dinner, I was also taking out $35 dollars at the register. I so badly wanted to get my nails done that weekend with Elaine, that I had no choice but to steal. I had already run through my pay check with giving my mother half, that having a metro card to get to work I was broke.

I never had enough money to get my feet done, just my nails. And back in the early millinium flip phones where popular. So I had me a flip phone from sprint. My bill was $75 dollars a month which I paid at radio shack, and I would spend the weekend hanging out in my apartment with Elaine after work. We would get beer and she would buy weed and we would sit on the terrace and hang out. My son was going on 6 or 7 by then. I was in early 20s and I didn’t see a foreseeable future.

Elaine had already advanced at her job becoming assistant manager and she was getting a raise, She was going out with guys she met from black planet and migente. I was dating a guy named Bishop. I met from black He was from Brooklyn. He was a drug dealer and had a daughter. We mainly got together for sex, we never went out. I was working at curves gym, and he was in Brooklyn “doing music”. He called himself a music producer and had the full set up in his room, protools and the g2 Mac desk top. He said he worked for sisal, some reggae dude I never heard of and he had his mind set moving to Atlanta for the music scene.

I didn’t fall in love with bishop but I met him on social media. He was cheating on me with other woman he was meeting on black planet. He had a fan base that he built himself and I was only around for the sex we had in my mothers apartment, while my son was asleep in my room, and my mother was in her room I was on the couch having quickies. This seemed tone my dating life.

How I found out Bishop was cheating because I had given him a phone on my plan, a Motorola flip phone and I was at work, I hacked his account to see his pictures, and he had pictures I never saw him dressed up and he was in the back of a car with sun glasses on. He was sending pictures to other woman, and I confronted him about it, and he said he was sending pictures to his sister because she hadn’t seen him in so long. I didn’t believe him, so I had the phone line suspended. I was paying the bill anyway. Not once did he try to contact me, we where only together for 6 months. In that time I was working and then lost my job because they couldn’t afford to pay me. Curves was privately owned so I had to go back on allowance with my mother, paying my cell phone bill.

Aaron was a happy kid because I did the most to make sure he had his video games. But I feared as he got older he would get into sneakers and clothes. I was walking him to school everyday and picking him up and spending my time writing and smoking weed, my mother was even buying it for me. But I would have mini panic attacks, that I had delusional thoughts that I would make it as a writer. My problem was that I could write spoken word I couldn’t recite it, and there was an avenue of expression on you tube thats I hadn’t even found yet, spoken word artists.

I had my little dell computer that I got from pc mall thats I went into debt for on a credit line I took out that my mother ended up paying for, I had put all my poetry on word and I had my desk top in my room connected to wifi.

The first person I told I was pregnant with my daughter was my son. I decided to keep the pregnancy I must have been delusional. This is when William moved in with us, and Aaron had his own room. I thought William would take care of me, but he had his own dream of becoming a dj and a personal trainer that when he was diagnosed schitophentic, It was too late. My sons step father wasn’t able to keep his job at New York sports club. He was going to work for crunch fitness but settled on David barton gym, I had already kicked him out because he had a porn addiction that I wasn’t living with, My daughter was already born, my mother was the one buying diapers while I was on wic for formula. My father bought me the car seat and stroller because William couldn’t afford it. He was taking trips back home to Pennsylvania get his laptop so he could download music and be a dj to techno music. He didn’t have a fan base and Then It was the equipment he bought to synthesize music.

I didn’t even have a wedding ring. We got married in June, after much arguments because if I wanted a roof over my head I was going to marry the son of a bitch who got me pregnant. That was the help I got from my mother. My father came over to take Aaron out on the weekends, and I was home with the baby while William worked at New York sports club. Having him on my snap budget Dwindled my budget because he was working. I was used to having 600 a month for food stamps, I was only getting 345 in food stamps, and no cash assistance.

When William finally left for good I was trying to get a job but I wasn’t getting help with child care so I had to lie on my snap application saying I was baby sitting I forged a letter like most non convicted welfare abusers do, stating I was babysitting for Marisol R. (someone I went to grammar school with) I faked a number and address and prayed it would go through. I didn’t want to go to work force one because I had no one to watch Aliyah my daughter. So When I was approved for 6 months in snap benefits It bought me some time to make my next move. I had wic in place and snap And I was getting 649 again once William left the household.

It wasn’t until I had to fight for child support again that I realized how much sis didn’t cover. I had all the retail credit, I didn’t immediately start using the cards either. But I had started to buy things I didn’t need. I had a problem with doing laundry so I kept buying my daughter clothes she had enough underwear for a month and clothes for school, that I did laundry once a month. My mother did Aarons laundry and I did mine and Aliyahs. Thats the one chour I hate most in the world, Laundry. Plus it was expensive and boring. But like always I found a way out of doing the laundry until the last minute.

Then I found out about section 8 outside New York city. Theres a web portal Where you can fill out online applications for housing. Not realizing that I had to actually find my way there to the housing interview I applied for Newark New York, cohoes, and tarry town. the plan was my son was going to stay in New York city with my mother and I was going to move with my daughter upstate New York for a year and come back with a traveling voucher. But I was only getting approved for public housing not section 8. I was on the waiting list for damn near all of the places I filled out an application for, but it was public housing and the wait list was 5-6 years. Meanwhile I was getting into arguments about keeping up with chours in the apartment. I really didn’t want to do the dishes and I felt like my son should pick up his slack. He was getting older no and was preparing on graduating high school, which he didn’t let me attend, he gave up graduation because I was an embarrassment to him. I felt my mother spoiled him too much and I didn’t.

When he got his working papers his first job was at insomnia cookies as delivery. My mother had purchased him the bike for his birthday. His goal was to work for uber eats and make boku money, so he could by a MacBook to work on music production with his friends from the building.

I had a false sense of hope for myself and this is part of my disorder that I had to work through. I can’t be a mother on 733 a month. I can’t be a single mother in todays society with mental health issues and I damn sure shouldn’t have not had a second child. My mother told me to abort the baby But I didn’t listen. My father said Its ok to have a second child, but That mean that I had to fall back into a plan of action and get a career not a job. I had no help from William who considered himself the bread winner of our relationship, that when I went back to school the last time to empire beauty school, I really was taking my chance on finding work as a cosmetologist, that I even took a job at manicure which was a traveling manicurist for offices. I wasn’t any good at that job either, That They stopped sending me on jobs. I work for the dry bar, and even got a picture with All Webb when the upper west side location opened up. I was working with actual stylists. Woman who worked for Aveda and Jeffery stein salon.

Then I realized that I wasn’t good at hairstyling. I even was able to rent a chair at Tamaras beauty salon on 106th and Columbus ave. She was the local weaveologist. All the girls who worked for old navy and chipolete went to her for their weaves. Tamara had four stations in a small salon and After getting fired from dry bar I rented a station for $100 dollars, and access to the salon two days a week. I could take walk ins, or have my own clientele that I took out a second line with Verizon and had business cards printed. But I didn’t have supplies so I offered wash and blow out relaxers weaves and hair cuts.

After a month I went to the salon and Tamara had packed up my things. And handed them to me, “Its just not working out” she told me. Meaning I wasn’t making her any money, because I wasn’t making any money. So I took my things and left.

After I had graduated school I had gotten a chair all the way out in Queens in a salon called Sheer Genius. I had to take the A train to the last stop in queens. It was a two and a half hour train ride. I had stupidly taken all my supplies and Aaron went with me to go get them, because I had my hot tools which where heavy. IT didn’t work out there because every body was already established And there where no walk ins, and although I wasn’t paying rent for my chair I would have to let him take half my pay that I would make on each client.

I was not good in school either But I tried my best and I did what I could. But I was also 34 years old starting back in a profession that you really should start when your in your 20s. I realize now my mental health played a big part on my sobriety. Im an ex drug user, even though weed isn’t a gateway drug, I had only stopped smoking weed when I couldn’t get high anymore, and I had a psychotic episode and was put in the hospital when my mother called the cops on me.

Ive been hospitalized at least 25 times. Not all the times I was hospitalized was I there for two weeks at a time, sometimes it was 9 days. But What made me think that I was going to be able to take my daughter to go live upstate I can barely get around now and live someplace completely new with no one to turn to if something should go wrong. My kids are better off with out me, I rather them hate me then miss me. My daughter and I where close but I kept getting hospitalized, that the last time before the acs investigation happened, my daughter gave me a card that said though anything she would always love me. I knew then the clock was ticking. She gave that to me after going out with my father, she bought me a card and wrote inside “Though everything I will always love you”.

But Im left with shattered images, and no pictures. I fear for my future as a mentally disabled woman of almost a certain age. With no friends from the past to talk to. I lost everything and everyone that was important to me, but with good intentions. safety. I am a danger to those I love. Its better that I be by myself. I haven’t cried yet since this has happened to me. But I am on anti depressants as well as haldol. But I have to say I actually do feel the difference of not being on medication its been a month and I feel different. I hope I don’t have a psychotic episode. Am I hearing voices? No I not, but I am feeling uneasy.

Starting over…again

I’m almost 40 years old. What I mean by starting over is getting SSI back, a source of income.

When I first got to susans place I was given a bed and a locker. I was transferred to a mica shelter for woman with mental health disabilities and or physical disabilities. There’s 200 woman in the shelter at any given time. They give you 3 meals a day and all there is to do is sit around.

Your given a case manager to help you get housing and also important paperwork like your social security card, state id with the shelters address and your birth certificate, with the help of the van request I was able to get all 3 again. My address is now that of the Bronx NY and I have all my documents. But I had to reapply for social security income. Which meant going to to the local social security office in the Bronx and making an appointment to schedule a phone interview with social security. I didn’t have a phone yet and I couldn’t get an assurance wireless because I had already had one, until someone from the shelter gave me an assurance wireless phone because she had two phone accounts she was paying for. She let me have her Obama phone. But Ms. Smith a cordinator for the van requests took me to social security and let me use her cell phone number for for my scheduled phone interview with SSA, that was for August 11th 2019.

In the meantime I had to go to welfare. Which is 300 canal place by van request. The van takes you there but your given a metro card and you have to take the BX 32 bus back to the shelter by yourself. I had made a friend on tagged. His name is Abdul. I was using the Obama phone to chat with people on tagged. It’s an 8 gig phone that comes with mad bloatwear and only enough room for one app. So I made an email address and switched accounts to SafeLink when the phone number disconnected and was sent a SIM card from SafeLink. Abdul doesnt live that far away from the shelter, I’m close to Yankee stadium and that’s the stop he lives on the 4 train. I didn’t tell him that I lost custody of my parental rights and I was kicked out of my mother’s apartment and I suffer with mental health issues like schitophrenia, I said I lost the apartment when it went coop and I don’t have any kids.

Abdul has been more then generous giving 20 dollars a week when I was on welfare. When I got approved for welfare my cash assistance was 22.50 a week and 194 in snap. Being that I don’t get a period I didn’t have to worry about buying pads, even though they have that at susans place also. Along with razors and soap. We also have showers and towels. There’s laundry facilities there also.

So when I went to HRA , and was given a metro card to take the bus back alone I hauled ass into a cab that had socilicited me and for 15 dollars I took a cab back to the shelter. I knew the address but I didn’t know the stop on the bus.

I saved the cash up and bought a pair of pants on burnsides rainbow shops and I used my snap to but cigarettes and a cup of coffee because there’s a deli across the street from the shelter that takes food stamps for cigarettes. The clothes I was wearing where from the shelters donation closet. I grabbed what I could fit including a pair or high water black begging jeans and some shirts. I was given more under wear and I was given a purple bra by some woman at Franklin who went to a church function where they were giving out donations. Before then I was wearing the to tight bra and when I was on the street I had stolen a sports bra type of bra from daune Reade.

Abdul took me shopping for some clothes at a thrift store across the street from the shelter. I was wearing my hair curly and cropped because when I was living on the street I had stolen a relaxer and a sewing kit with scissors in it. I went to Petco locked myself in the bathroom stall and relaxed my hair and washed it out in the toilet. Mind you I was bat shit crazy I had no reason to do this but I cut off my hair afterward and put a head band on.

The clothes barely fit but I had no choice but to wear tight sweatpants and t shirts. I was able to buy some hair products from the beauty supply store on burnside and in the morning wet my hair and put some products in it.

So when I was approved for welfare I had to go to we care which is a place you have to go to put on record with welfare that you can’t work and they have an assessment team to determine if you disabled or not. Their psychiatric office where my meteators between myself and SSA. They put in the application for ssi. About a week later I got paper work in the mail it was a questionnaire for social security disability, but I was also denied SSD I didn’t have enough work points. The questions where pretty standard like what was my disability, my employment history and my last known address. I filled out what I could and mailed it back.

At Susans place there’s a clinic within the walls of the shelter. The psychiatrist is the one who administers my haldol shot once a month, and that’s why I was transferred to a mica shelter.

With in 5 months I was approved for SSI. That’s wasn’t after having to see social security doctors in phelem Bay where I had to take the 4 train to 125th street and transfer to the 6 train going back uptown to Pelham bay. The office was across the street from the train station.

I opted to have the direct express card with direct deposit from SSA on it. I was mailed my first check which I cashed at the local check cashing place with Ruby my partner in crime as she calls it. I went to metro PCS and got a phone and a tablet and then went to Rite aid and put money on a prepaid green Dot card so I could download the Starz app and watch power . I wasn’t trying to keep up with the Jones anymore I was maintaining bordum.

There’s a living room at the shelter there’s two televisions. One in the dining area and one in the living room which is maintained by security. I now live with DHS. So when ever I go out for a smoke I am subjected to being frisked with a wand and my stuff out through a scanner. I have to go through a metal detector when ever I leave the building. I hide my lighter in my bra like most of the other woman at the shelter, because it doesn’t go off in the medal detector.

With my check of 735 I bought a tablet phone, and a tablet, with cases so I could set up my phone and tablet with the 90 dollars I put on a prepaid card. I also bought two pairs of jeans and 3 shirts and put the clothes that didn’t fit on the donations table in the living room.

After my first check I wouldn’t be seeing my check for 3 months because when you live in an emergency shelter SSA only pays you for 6 of the 9 months on social security. So for 3 months I didn’t see my check. But I got retro aka back pay of 2300 dollars which 60% of it goes into saving at the shelter with your case manager. I had to get a money order at the post office because it lasts longer then a regular money order. The saving is for when you move into your own apartment or shared or scattered site you have money to buy furniture or things you need for your apartment. And this is what I fear. There’s no request to live in which ever borough you want. Most of the woman are placed in housing in the Bronx sometimes Brooklyn and you have maintain. Meaning go to the DMV and get a new identification. Go to the local snap office where your new housing is and then also find the local social security office and let them know you moved and hand in a copy of your lease.

I’ve been in the shelter for a year. I’m just learning how to get around. I requested Manhattan but most likely I’ll be placed in the Bronx if they can place me because this is where I learned your credit score has a part to play in where you live and placement.

So with the remaining balance of my retro I bought clothes on Amazon and now at least I have clothes that fit and Abdul had bought me some sneakers and a coat from the thrift shop and one of the staff members have me a gap coat that she no longer wanted which is pretty up to date in style but that wasn’t my concern this past winter. My concern is my credit score. Where am I going to end up in a few years.

It’s now June and because of the coronavirus the shelter closed they had us pack our stuff and they buses us to motels. One in the Bronx and one on the upper west side on 106th street and Central park. I’m on center park. I didn’t bring my tablet so when I got payed this month for may and June I decided to by a Mac air 11.6 referbished on Amazon prime because I have an account with them now. So I can stream videos and hbo max so I can watch friends and the fresh prince of bell air.

I went to Harlem and got my box braids taken out and put cornrows in. I’m maintaining the shelter lifestyle. My clothes are sent out to be washed by the staff on Tuesdays and Saturdays, but we could be here for 3-6 months, and guess what? I can’t go to the clinic for my haldol shot. I have my own room and in order for me to keep my sanity I decided to start this blog on word which I’m going to switch over to my laptop and keep myself busy by sharing the experience of being homeless.

Susans place isn’t that bad there’s not a lot of rules to follow it’s just that it’s boring all day long with out gadgets. So I decided to live journal because we have wifi at the shelter but also at the hotel. I am literally 10 blocks away from my old residence and I can’t see them. The only number I remember is my father’s and I dare not call or text. I did enough damage.

Not only did I steal the check from HRA I opened up a pay pal in my mother’s name and used the bank account she let me have and also mine to open up a credit line. I put her in debt and it’s something I feel guilty about everyday. I was buying clothes for my daughter from the children’s place. I know she filled identity theft and this is why she has a restraining order on me. I am literally not at a loss for words I deserve it, but I have to blame my mental health I was hearing voices telling me I could pay it back when I get signed. So I spend my day journaling and letting it be known people with schitophrenia are not ok. It takes alot to deal in general but the cause and effect of your mental health are just that.

I was never ok. I was never normal. I always had to try and keep up with the Jones with out working for my keep. I know now that having a line of credit is nothing more then debt that I have considered suicide. I researched nembutal the suicide pill. I became an organ donor online at the dmv. But I have to save up for the pills and possibly put them aside for when I have the balls to actually commit suicide. I would have to send the money Western Union or cash app because they come from over seas. I’m not even suicidal. But I can’t deal with myself either.

At susans place there’s an activity cordinator who goes out of her way to see that we have yoga and Zumba classes but that doesn’t take away the pain of what I’ve done to my family. And be that I’m off my medication for the next 3 months all I have is my laptop and my phone and no one to call. I hate taking pictures now and I give out my number to random men on tagged to have someone to text until the conversation dies off.

Birthday and Christmas where spent in the shelter. The shelter had Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner. My birthday will never be the same and I can’t even celebrate mother’s day any more. I have no friends and the only people I have to talk to want to meet up and possibly have sex and I gotta weed through the conversations. Abdul is a nice guy but eventually he’s going to want more and I can’t give him more. He’s 48 single and no children. I don’t want to have sex because I have hpv I found out at the clinic after getting a papsmear and I have to go for a biopsy in September to have the cells frozen. I still have my iud in. But my ex boyfriend gave me hpv and I feel disgusting.

So the life of a homeless woman isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I might be able to get a laptop and have a tablet but I still have dreams of becoming published and this isn’t my mental health talking. Not for bad boy records for any body who would take me seriously. But I know I am biting off more then I can chew. This is why I created the blog.

Franklin wasn’t my first time in a shelter. When I was kicked out I went to dyckman center. There’s gaps in my story for a reason. They placed me at win one on 54th Street on the west side. I got kicked out for stealing from someone’s locker. They clipped my locker and she got back the bag I took from her. This is when I still had the four phones I took out for me and Diddy.. I braided my own hair in the lounge area and stared directly into the security camera because I thought Diddy was watching me handle myself. I was there for a week. I had gotten my last direct deposit from SSA and my cell bill was 1400 dollars because I was no longer in the lease they closed my account and this part of my escalating debt. I was back out on the street and this is when I had no money and I admitted myself to the hospital for swollen feet. I was hearing voices and wondering when I was going to have my next meal that I decided to start stealing my food. I got busted in tj Maxx on 96th street for stealing panties, then again at Trump plaza for stealing pants. That the first time I went to the precient they kept me locked up for a few hours. I called my dad and left a message that I had gotten picked up.

My schitophrenia got so bad that I was in time Warner shops mall and I went shopping at h and m and I asked the staff if they could hold my items for me that someone would be coming to pick up and pay for items. I left my dad’s number and my name. I did it again at the TJ Maxx before I got busted and also Desiel. I thought Diddy sent me body gaurds that where around for me that I could go shopping but leave the stuff at the register and someone would be by the pay for the items . I also believed that he had a suite for me at Trump hotel international and I just had to wait till he got off the plane from LA.

This is why it only took 5 months for SSA to approve me for SSI. I said some outlandish things that where documented when I had my last stint in the psych ward. It usually takes 6-9 months for SSA to make a decision on whether or not your approved for SSI. It only took 5 months for them to make a determination. Now I get 781 a month and 60% of that is supposed to go into savings but we are in the motel and I’m not with my usual case manager. But I still have money saved. With everything closed in the city there’s no where to go. Even still I don’t feel like spending money. I spend time reflecting on my life. The many mistakes I’ve made and my pending future plans with housing. The meet fact that I will never see my kids again or my family. I’m alone in this world with a story to tell.

Living on the street.

When I was kicked out of my mother’s apartment, I was living on the street. I had a denim jacket a pair of jeans ugh boots and a t shirt on when the house keys where taken from me. I had my Micheal kors pocket book with my identity in it and also my daughters birth certificate and social security number. I had my original birth certificate and social security number all located in my wallet, along with my marriage license. I had some cash in me, because I had my SSI. Not danting on me that I didn’t have an address I remained on the preaipice that I still had my SSI, not putting two and two together, this was court appointed mandated orders that I be legally evicted from the apartment.

It was the day before I was to get paid from social security, I had my phone and I was on the street. I returned my p.o box key to the store in which I was renting a p.o box for no reason, I chilled in Starbucks until closing. Then went to MacDonald’s to get something to eat. At midnight my Chase Bank got a direct deposit for 2500 dollars from HRA (human resources administration) from child support.

Previous I was going to family court because I was on welfare. I was getting 145 in cash every two weeks and food stamps at 649 a month. My mother was getting rent at 145 a month paid for by welfares hra services.

HRA makes single mothers go to family court to fight for child support. Child support offices down town on crystie street asks for the father’s name and last known address and anything on his identity you can give to locate the father. Which meant Kioko was going to be served papers as well for Aaron. But my daughter’s father, William, was in Pennsylvania and would be served papers work that his daughter was in the system. My son was 20 and working for Uber eats as a courier.

I lost my cash assistance because my son didn’t want to attend orientation for hra. He was another adult on the head of household case and he would have to turn in his W-2 or paystubs to prove he was working after high school. He has already turned in his high school diploma and did the finger imaging for me. But when he learned he had to do orientation which is job placement he got turned off and said he wasn’t going he was working.

So welfare cut my cash off to two dollars and let me keep my snap benefits. I had a second bank account in my mother’s name to put away money. She let me open the account. I called myself trying to start my own business reselling and trying to get into the human hair business. I was going to resell human hair on mecari where I was reselling things like clothes. It was pretty profitable but I couldn’t have more then 2000 dollars in my bank account because of SSI. Social security administration checks bank accounts and if you have more then 2000 in your bank account or have any direct deposits other then SSI they cut you off.

So my cash assistance was cut and the only check coming in was the rent check. So I took it and deposited on my phone because I was holding the account I forged my mother’s name and deposited the check. I told her I got a letter from HRA and the rent check was cut also the only thing I was getting was food stamps.

The cell phone bill was my responsibility. It had me and my mother on the plan but we also had tablets. And I had to have the iPhone 256 gig phone which I called forever gig phone. My friend at the time, the one who has two children and lives in Jersey City had the same phone. I was trying to keep up with the Jones. I was leading the phone and tablets my bill with spring was close to 500 dollars a month. Mind you I was only bringing home 733 a month in SSI. I was accustomed to over withdrawing on my account that I bought my daughter a guinea pig we named Riply and two hamsters Sam and Josh. But it’s the expenses, the cage accessories and food for the pets that I didn’t take into consideration. I just wanted my daughter to have the experiences I didn’t have. I had did the same things for my son not with pets but with video games. I was stealing money from my mother’s bank account and sing her credit cards to buy him video games that when I got an 800 dollar check from empire beauty schools bursar’s office I bought him the PS4.

I still was lax on laundry because I had shipped so much that my daughter has nothing but clothes and my son was financing himself from his job. He was paying his own cell phone bill and maintaining his bike with the help of my father that the 145 I stole went to maintaining the pets I bought my daughter. Mind you I was taking our retail credit like old navy Victoria secrets and others, I ended up with 26 different cards including lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart. I was reselling my clothes because I was purchasing online and if it didn’t fit i would sell it on mecari. There’s times my mother had to pay the sprint account which was in her name. I even had a retail card for furniture I purchased myself a new mattress so I didn’t have to sleep on a futon anymore.

So when I got a direct deposit for 2500 the first thing I did was pull out cash and rent a room at the days inn on 94th street and Broadway. At this time I was bat shit crazy I was out of my mind. I was hearing voices and thought I was the FBI witness protection program and they where using something called glass eye to monitor me. I thought Diddy was my boyfriend and he was watching over over through glass eye and I could hear his voice though music when I played it in my phone. I was having a conversation with myself.

I stayed at the hotel for 3 nights. I went to 125th street the next day and bought Mac makeup, and took a cab down Broadway and bought something to eat. My phone was cut off and I went to sprint and opened an account for myself and Diddy. I had four phones for no reason. They where Android phones and I bought a speaker so I could blue tooth music.

I thought Diddy was my boyfriend I was talking to him through my ear piece, and 50 cent wanted my opinion on what to do with powers 5th season, Eminem was my biggest fan because he was on the lettrs app also and went by the name Henry w which was just a guy that I befriended on the lettrs app who enjoyed my poetry. I thought Diddy was apart of the Illuminati and that he was trying to get me in and 50 cent had a crush on me and I was going to write hit songs for bad boy entertainment.

I had no one to call and I was locked out of my Facebook after completely embarrassing myself I had cut and pasted pictures found on the internet and I used a photo app to make a picture of me and Diddy together with my daughter in the middle like we where a happy family. I was posting that I call Sean John combs “Johnny” and he was my man. Family wasn’t in my page just friends that I grew up with and people I met at empire beauty school.

I fucked up my Instagram which is now closed because I was taking pictures from the internet and tagging celebrities with rumors I made up like Eminem confided in me that he was a transvestite and Rihanana was my best friend that she wanted me to write for her. But I had nothing but pictures of my daughter and myself on regular day activities with no likes on them. Only ten people where following me and each one of them saw my decline in mental health, including Elaine from Jersey city. Who was friends with Nonie who eventually got a brownstone through New York housing connect and moved her children and herself to 135th and Amsterdam ave from a sublet she was renting after leaving the building.

I was in the hotel room alone and I had four phones. I even went to the precent and had the police go with me to my mother’s apartment to get my clothes which where all in the shopping cart on the terrace. She let me in with the cops of course but it didn’t stop her from calling my son at work. Harlow, my pit bull was in her cage. And all that was left in my closet was a pair of torrid sweat pants and my mcm luggage bag that was purchased on mecari. The cops wouldn’t let me go through the dresser draws so I grabbed the two items. Blew a kiss at Harlow and left the apartment.

Harlow I bought from someone selling pitbull puppies on Craigslist for 300 dollars. I got her when she was 2 weeks old. The guinea pig had died and so did the two hamsters. I had gone to dyckman to cut off welfare and I resold my beats head phones to buy Harlow. I think that was the straw the broke the camel’s back for my family. My son was too threw with me and my daughter was acting out in school stealing from kids book bags and bringing the stuff to me. She was in special education and I had gone to social security to apply for SSI for her as well, which she got and I was payee for. But it wasn’t until I was on the phone with Elaine that I had stopped taking my daughter to school. Her two daughters went to charter school and had a week off so I was under the assumption that my daughter had the week off also. So I let her stay home. That’s when an investigation was done on me when I took my daughter back to school. She was missing homework and jcc her after school tutoring and I had missed an appointment with the specialist for special education who granted her an IEP and she was far behind in class work.

So when I was thrown out the cops where supposed to take me to path which is in the Bronx. Path is assessment for the homeless. But when I went back to get my clothes I stayed in the street. I had been in the hotel for three days. But my money ran out quickly. I bought a pair of sneakers and underwear. I had a laundry bag filled with a pair of sweat pants I bought on 125th street and socks. On my third day at the hotel when it was time for me to check out I stayed in street down Trump towers. I had walked down there from 94th street and went 57th and 8th Ave. I threw the sneakers out because I th9uggt through “glass eye” jayz would be collecting my stuff. I thought through all the cameras in the street they where all watching me make my stride towards bad boy like making the band and I had to go through these things in order to get signed at bad boy. That diddys personel would find me and bring me to his office.

I was on the street for three months. Time went by so quickly. I slept on a park bench and the train station. I eventually lost my pocket book with my identity. I was at the library making business wins with my home address attached to it on the computer they let me use for 30 minutes at a time.

I was turnstile underground market on 57th Street sitting on the train station steps or the time Warner shops building or Starbucks until they called the cops on me and asked me to leave because I was only getting the free sample of coffee and no purchasing anything . I even slept in a daune Reade pharmacy waiting area before the store manager closed it down. I was stealing food from Duane Reade I even stole I tablet from rite aid down in the Trump plaza area.

I was able to boost two att prepaid phones and connect to the city’s free WiFi by sitting in a little park outside Trump hotel. But I got arrested in MacDonald’s for loitering and they sent me to Central bookings downtown. I had to plead the fifth and I was let out on my own recongnice and given a metro card by the lawyer and I was sent on my way.

I was able to steal underwear and a pair of denim legging from daune Reade and I was using the bathroom at time Warner shops to change. I couldn’t brush my teeth but I had stolen deodorant and I was able to go with out smelling too bad. I was getting bits to eat at whole foods because they give out the sample cups so you can sample the buffet.

Someone in the train station gave me 200 dollars out of his pocket and told me God bless things will get better, so I bought a Google play card so I could listen to music and a pair of headphones so I could talk to Diddy, and I bought food.

I wasn’t worried about my period because I had an iud birth control in place, which illuminated me from getting my period every month. But I went three months in the street that one early morning I took my suite case that I found in front of TJ Maxx with my blanket and sheet inside, and I was sitting in front of the post office it was closed because it was a holiday. The cops came and called EMS, and they took me to st.lukes Roosevelt hospital. I was admitted and I was there for two months. My father had to come to sign off on paper work and they told me I was not able to go home and I would be taken to Franklin woman’s assessment shelter by cab, paid for by Medicaid. I was so out of it that I was convinced my friends from childhood going had HIV and that she had disappeared. The last thing my father did was give me a hug and he left . I was put on the haldol injection and I was released from the hospital two days later. All I had was a pair denim leggings a pair of boots I stole from a panhandler and a coat I stole as well. From the time I was admitted they had me on haldol. That was the first thing they pumped into my system. I spent my time going to group and sleeping. It still hasn’t dawned on me that I couldn’t go home. This is all now me remembering what had happened. The money that was given to me in the street I was going to the beauty supply store and buying synthetic hair and braiding my own hair in box braids while sitting on a park bench. I spent my time trying to get a cup of coffee from the outside vendors and Starbucks, that I was determined to let Diddy continue sending me messages through glass eye and I spent my time listening to music on treble an app I found.

When I got to Franklin I had to do intake so I could get a bed. Franklin was only assessment for 21days. Then you where transferred to a shelter. I was transferred to susans place 176th and Jerome ave.

Stamps no welfare. I had no clothes, Franklin gave me panties and a too tight bra and used clothes to wear. I had to start all over again.

Something is wrong

I knew there was something wrong with me in high school, when I was home alone I would hear a voice calling my name. I never told any body what I heard I thought the apartment was haunted.

I have always been a introvert, shy and kept to myself, so it was a shock when at 15 years old I turned out pregnant. I was 6 months by the time anybody put it together. You couldn’t tell because I always wore baggy clothes to hide my figure, my mother had taken me to the doctors for what we thought was the flu. I had morning sickness, and the smell of food was nauseating. But no one thought I could be pregnant.

When I came home from a function at my school I had on a skirt and blouse and one of my friends on the cheerleadering squad turned to me and said I looked pregnant, I got highly upset. I came home home and told my mother, “well are you?” I confessed that I didn’t know, and she gave me $40 and told me to buy a pregnancy test. I went to Rite Aid and bought one.

Oprah was on tv and the topic was teen pregnancy. My mother had the day off and when I got home from school she was laying on the couch watching Oprah.

I went to the bathroom and because I was already in my second trimester Peeing was the easiest thing to do. So I opened the pregnancy test box and peed on the stick, with in two minutes two lines popped up revieling that I was indeed pregnant. I screamed, my mother started to cry. I had become a disappointment. I was only in the tenth grade. The school year was ending, I had to miss the last two weeks of school.

When I told Kioko my boyfriend he put his head down and said he would be there for me, and he would have to tell his mother. That was my last day in school. I don’t know what excuse my parents told the board of education to get me out of school for the last two days, but my mother didn’t want anyone in school knowing that I was pregnant.

Shortly after finding out,from a confirmed pregnancy test my father came home. And my mother told him I was pregnant. He got so pissed off. He started telling, ” do you know how much it costs to raise kids” “I can’t afford this” he went on and on about the cost diapers and formula and the insidentals that come along with caring for a new born.

One of the choices was giving up the baby for adoption, or my mother adopting the baby herself. But I didn’t feel right about that. My baby being my little brother or sister. I said I would quit school and get my GED, my parents weren’t having that. I was told I was staying in school to finish my high school career.

The following weeks where packed with doctor appointments. My father never quite looked at me the same.

I had to see the obgyn and my pediatrician. My first obgyn appointment I had a sonogram and a papsmear test. The pediatrician was to make sure I was healthy. I was so scared at the obgyns office. Then I heard the heart beat of the baby growing inside me. I got to find out the sex of the baby and found out I was 26 weeks pregnant which meant I was shy 6 months. I was 5 and half months pregnant.

During that time the family on both sides found out that I was having a baby. We only had a two bedroom apartment so it was decided that my room was going to be shared with a crib and changing table. It was summer time, my mother decided that she and I would take a trip to our favorite place, Terry town in Westchester. We stayed at the Hilton hotel. We went shopping for maternity clothes and stayed in Terry town for a week while my father got some things ready back home.

I was hearing voices but only when I was alone. A voice calling my name.

We got back from Terry town and I had a doctor’s appointment with the obgyn. I was high risk because of when I found out I was pregnant. I went two trimesters with out prenatal care, so I had to have all the tests done with in a few weeks like a glucose test and HIV test. I had to see the doctor every three weeks then every two weeks once I was in my third trimester.

The end of my pregnancy was normal. I still had morning sickness, but Kioko stopped coming to see me. His family had moved from Brooklyn to Staten island. But he stopped contacting me, when my mother called him and told him that I was alone all the time and he should really making his way over to check in me because this was his baby too. Even though my mother didn’t want anyone to know that I was pregnant at school I told my friends Zuehai and Marisol that Kioko and where expecting a baby.

My due date was August 29th 1997. But I didn’t go into labor until the evening of September 4th when my water broke. He was born September 5th 1997. Kioko made it to the birth of his son. My childhood friends from the building all where busy with their lives but came to see me once I brought Aaron home from the hospital.

My life had changed. I was no longer able to go out freely I had a baby. I suffered with post pardum depression . When I gave birth it was the first day of school September 4th. I went back to school the next week.

I was 30 lbs pound heavier and I had all my hair cut off at super cuts because I was experiencing alopecia after having a baby. I was starting the 11th grade and staff and teachers didn’t know I had a baby. My mother said she adopted a baby and was able to get maternity leave with pay from her job at The Dalton school where she was the high school librarian. So while I was in school she was at home with my son for 12 weeks. By the time she went back to work we had a baby sitter in place.

But I wasn’t feeling myself. I was heavier and lactating. kioko had invited me and Aaron to stay in his home for Thanksgiving in Staten island. My dad drove us out to Richmond road. His mother Patricia had Kiokos bedroom made up for me and my infant son. Kioko stayed on the couch. But our relationship was not the same. Kioko was distant and distracted and I spent most of my time caring for Aaron. Kioko took me to the movies to see Titanic at the movie theaters while Patricia stayed with the baby. But by the time Christmas came Kioko and I had called it quits. Kioko had just graduated and was looking for work and had a new little friend who was female, I forget her name and I was interested in Lanell Tate who was on the basketball team in school. He was also in my class and he took interest in me also even knowing that I had just had had a baby.

Life went on but that didn’t stop Kioko from slamming me with papers from family court for visitation of his son. We had a battle in court with a referee instead of a judge and that’s when kioko won visitation but he would have to travel to Manhattan with his mother and my mother was the buffer. I was not allowed to attend visitation.

Visitation didn’t last long Kioko stopped showing up it was only Patricia Kiokos mother who showed up. I was only receiving $25 dollars a month for child support but I was granted full custody of Aaron.

A whole year had flown by and Aaron was turning one year old. With in a year I had been to court 6 times for visitation and made a new boyfriend.

Lanell would come over to see me after school and on the weekends, but we never had sex. He had a fetish he wanted me to rub his his penis with my feet. I did it but I was wondering why he didn’t want to have sex with me. Then I found out he had a problem with the fact that I had a baby. He said my vagina was stretched out. Lanell and I only lasted a year by 12th grade things had fallen apart. I was in the throws of mother hood and also applying for college.

Prom was a nightmare I ended up going with friends. Lanell and I had broken up it was the first week of senior year when he broke it off with me. I was heart broken. He said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I had a baby and by his rival Kioko. I wondered why he even persued me.

I was planning on going to prom with Lanell. But he too grew distant and started playing the disappearing act. And still staff and teachers didn’t know I had a baby. So after school I got on the train all the way from Jamaica estates the q17 bus would drop me off at 179th and Jamaica to the F train. The F train to 47-50 th street and then transfer to the B train.

I went to school all the way in Jamaica estates because I have a learning disability and my mother had me tested by the board of education and found I had dslyxia and discalculia. I had already 4 different schools before getting into The summit school.

At first I was taking a yellow bus to school. I started Summit in the end 7th grade when I transferred from Holy name school of Jesus a Catholic school on west 96th street across the street from where I lived. I had to wear a maroon uniform everyday. My weekend clothes where sweat pants.

There was always something wrong with me, from my academic career to not having many friends in school. I was in introvert. I was always being bullied and made fun of. I was hyper active and the only time I was happy was when I was home. So it was a surprise to everyone when came out pregnant.

I think I was a good mother or so I thought. I tried to find jobs that paid so I could take care of child care or after school programs, wondering how people like Nonie made it after her mother passed away from aids. She was an older woman in my building who was also Aaron’s baby sitter while I attended Mandell school of allied health. She had 4 children in a two bedroom apartment. She ended up working for 1199. I interviewed for a job at 1199 but didn’t make the cut. Nonie had 3 kids that where all around Aaron’s age which made it easier for we to care for him while I was in school.

I don’t know why I choose Mandell. I was looking for something that would pay me back for attending school and learning a trade, not realizing that I actually had to apply myself. Going to school wasn’t for me. But I had to try.

I think the one thing I blame my parents for was not telling me how to be an adult outside of high school. I relied on them for everything. So when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I had to rely on them even more. Not realizing that a debt was a debt.

So as Aaron got older we had a wall put up in the dining room which became his room, because him and I couldn’t share rooms anymore. Not once did I think that I was going to have to move out and get my own place. My mother was looking for bigger apartments that would accommodate myself her and Aaron, we also had pets.

When Aaron was ten my parents divorcd my father had moved out because he couldn’t take that I was a single mother and it drove a wedge between my mother and father. My mother was more on my side then my father. I was the black sheep of the family. I have 3 cousins who are doctors and one cousin who works for att u verse in Jersey.

I could barely hold down a job. And this is why I’m where I’m at today. In a mica shelter. I am deemed an unfit parent, lost custody of my two children to my mother, diagnosed schitoaffective which is bipolar and schitophrenic, I have to find a way to start my life over with out the title mother attached to it.