Trump hotel international

For 3 months I was out on the street, lost in my psychosis. I was eating out of the garbage expired food from the dumpsters in front of Duane Reade and rite aid. I was no longer welcomed in some Starbucks around Trump hotel international. There where about 4 Starbucks in the area, and I wasn’t allowed to go into them anymore. Only one would let me sit in the bay window area, and they would give me the sample cup of pike coffee.

It got harder to steal food from the drug stores, that I picked up quickly that the stores would throw away expired food. I would go dumpster diving with a few other homeless people, where I was able to get sandwiches, and small cracker and cheese platters. I ate mcdonlads out of the garbage when I found a 20 piece chicken McNugget half empty, and a half eaten slice of pizza.

I was sleeping in the gazebo or Wells Fargos vestibule. The lock was broken so I would sit there on the radiator. There where two other homeless people who also sat in the vestibule. It was the month of March or April and still chilly out. I had resorted to asking patrons at the bank getting money if they had a spare dollar, I would walk up the block to the dollar pizza joint and get a slice of pizza.

Alot of woman where giving me money, $10, $20 that I had found an iPhone on a park bench that a woman had left and when she saw me walk away with it to turn it into lost and found at the time equities building, her boyfriend gave me $50 for the return of the phone. I was able to buy synthetic hair, a comb, and Pink moisturizer for my hair, and I sat in the park and braided my hair into long extensions. It didn’t come out that great, and when I was done I tied my hair back into a bun.

I spent my days walking back and forth, hallucinating. That a priest from the local church had stopped me and gave me a bagel and a bottle of water and suggested I stay at the church, that they would help me. I could take a shower, and get something to eat. They would give me a case manager and try to find out how to help me. I declined the offer. I didn’t know how I felt staying in a church. I was lucid. I was under the impression that my family was in the trump hotel international, and I was proving myself to bad boy entertainment.

I had asked the receptionist at the time Warner shops for paper and a pen, and she gave it to me, that while I was in the building I would stop at Williams and Sonoma for sample of hat ever they where cooking for the day. I was so hungry, that I had no choice. And then I would sit in time equaities waiting area, which was a depot to just sit and use your computer and connect to the free wifi or have lunch if their wasn’t any activies going on for the day. I would sit and write on pieces of paper. I had collected the “relative” paper from the receptionist, and I found something to do with my day.

It was all jargon. My writing made no sense, but I was determined to keep myself occupied. I had the two pre paid cell phones I had boosted, and some money in my pocket from when a kind stranger gave me $200 in the train station by under ground market. I had bought a pair of ear buds and a google play store card so I could have a play list on my phone.

But as you know things are expensive. I took the rest of my money and went to H and M and bought something to wear. It was a tunic top and then I went to Duane Reade and bought leggings, and changed I the bathroom of time Warner shops.

I would hang out in Whole Foods catching samples with a sample cup, and sitting in the eating area, that I didn’t know that I stole food from Whole Foods. I took a bacon eggs and cheese sandwich and A bottled Ice coffee, skipped the line and went to the cafeteria. No one said anything. I thought you could eat in Whole Foods for free. Until I realized that there was a line to pay at the cashiers, so the next day I bought food and a tote bag and a pair of sweat pants.

I would stand charging my prepaid phone in the time Warner building or in time equities. I was in the throws of an episode that I was singing loudly the security asked me to tone it down while I was in the time Warner shops building. I was looking directly into the security cameras, I thought I was performing for 50 cent, and the music industry could hear my play list. I was talking to myself and trying to find ways to stay afloat while living out my “challenge” for bad boy entertainment.

It wasn’t until I had no playlist that I downloaded treble which is free music and I had the dirty money album last train to Paris at my disposal. but it was for coins. So I had to do little tasks on the app to keep the music playing. Like connect to wifi, or download games and play them to a certain level until I ran out of coins. It was going on May, and I could no longer sleep in the Wells Fargo vestibule because security would come around and kick every body out. I had one night sleep in the waiting area of CVS pharmacy. I think the employees felt bad for me, so they let me stay and sleep, and I had one night at Wendys second floor seating area. I had resorted to going to a different bank so I could crash on the floor of the vestibule but the surrounding private owned buildings where calling security on me, plus I was also in the security camera footage. That I had found the gazebo, and I was sleeping there at night. When It rained I would crash in the train station on 59th street at underground market. The second time I got picked up by the cops I didn’t have my suite case yet, I had to prove my identity, and then go back to the transit cops office on 59th street to retrieve my bag that I had found on the street with my poetry in it. I was loitering.

It wasn’t until the first week of April I presume that I got picked up by the cops and EMS, and was admitted to ST.Lukes hospital psych ward. I wasn’t discharged until May where I was taken to Franklyn woman shelter in the bronx.

While on the street, I thought there was. prostitution ring going on, and I thought that the music industry had turned into the FBI and where working for Trump. I thought there was a secret society for entertainers and they had chosen me to join them and they had put my family up in the trump hotel, but I couldn’t go in. 1 Central Park was the address. I would sit across the street and wait for a sign to be let into the hotel.

My psychosis all started when one of Diddy’s fan pages requested me to follow on instagram. I thought it was my big break. I was already hearing voices coming from the smoke alarm in the apartment, that I thought there was a drone in the bathroom mirror. That by the Time I got to Susans place, I was talking to myself in the shower. I thought the music industry was sending me cryptic messages and I was clouded by something called “glass eye.” I would ask myself if I was still in the FBI witness protection program. I really believed that celebrities had access to everything, and had hold of my social security number, and put me in something called glass eye so they could watch over me. I really believed that there was a security camera in the ceiling fan of the apartment and the music industry had logged into the camera.

Now that I’m not going through a psychosis anymore, my obsessions with Diddy and the music industry is over. Its been a long year. I no longer hear voices telling me to write poetry so I can become a song writer. I was so inspired by Beyonces Lemonade that I had wrote poetry in a notebook for Rihana with the the same theme.

Having a psychotic episode is scary. I don’t know how I made it on the streets of New York City. I never want to experiece what I experienced ever again. But while I was in the hopistal I didn’t consider that they would put me in the a shelter. I would look out the window and wonder where I would end up. I would just got back to 59th street and be a panhandler. I didn’t consider that I have to medicated. I didn’t know that being homeless was illegal. You can panhandle, but you need a place to go. There are too many shelters in the trip state area for you not have a roof over your head.

When I got discharged I had a $1 and 27 cents to my name. A cracked cell phone that no longer worked, and my suite case with little belongings. I managed to buy some slippers at Duane Reades and I was wearing them in the hospital. My hair had bugs in it from sleeping in the gazebo. The nurse let me cut the braids and gave me a comb and I combed the braids out of my hair and washed my hair in the shower.

One time, I stole relaxer from Duane reades and locked myself in the Petco bathroom on 99th street and broadway and relaxed my hair. I had acquired a sewing kit and a pair of a scissors I had stolen from rite aid on 97th street and columbus ave. And I cut all my hair off. I had found a beanie hat in the street and put that one over my hair cut. I washed my hair out in the toliet.

Another time I had gotten locked in petcos bathroom over night. I had gotten food poisoning from star bucks after someone had given me $20 to get something to eat. I had bought a ham and cheese sandwich and a frapichino from Starbucks. But it didn’t egress with me. Starbucks was closing, I just gotten finished throwing up in the bathroom. So I ran up the block to Petco went down the escaloator and went to the bathroom to throw up. I heard the employees turning in for the day, and no one checked the bathroom. The lights where cut off, it was 9pm. Everybody had left the store. I stayed throwing up for about 2 hours, while the voice in my head was talking to me.

After I finished throwing up, I left the bathroom. The store was pitch black, there where security lights on that faded the color yellow. I found a dog bed in the for sale basket and took it to the bathroom. I needed something to make a pillow out of. I folded the dog bed and tried to get some sleep on the hard lenonlum tile.

Around 6am the manager of the store found me in the bathroom, and with her cell phone camera recorded me leaving. I told her I had gotten food poisoning. She said thank god I didn’t try to leave because the alarms would go off. I went up the stairs and left the store, and walked down to broadway. I had asked the morning time vendor on broadway if he could spare me a cup of coffee, he told me no. I sat on broadway in the island where there benches, and waited until the library opened at 10am on 100th street.

I made it to the library and asked if I could use the computer. They let me use the computer but told me I really needed a library card to access the computers. I had 45 minutes on the computer. Then I looked at the urban fiction novels, I had read all of them already, like B more careful, they even had some of the cartel by Ashley and Jaquarvius. I found a book I didn’t read, and found a table in the back of the library. I took the security sticker off and put the book in my pocketbook that I found in the garbage. It was a gold Ralph Lauren pocket book. You would be surprised at the things I found like a ripped Louis Vuitton doctors bag. I used it until it was ripped up. I found it in front of Starbucks on 57th Street and 8th ave.

For a couple of days, I kept going to the library to use the computer. I was making business eins on the irs website and using my old address, and tried to join AARP. I was researching the music industry to see if I could find a number, and I found bad boy entertainments number for their local offices, but I didn’t have a phone.

I had even fallen asleep at one of the back tables in the library, that the security guard had to walk me up. He gave me $20 dollars, and I left to the 711 where I bought a pack of Newport 100s. Then I walked down to broadway and asked the kiosk if I could get some matches. He gave them to me. Then I would sit in mcdonlads for a little while, thats where I met Fred Ball.

I was hopping the train on Central Park ave and taking it to 59th street, where I ended up staying, after I was arrested for loitering in mcdonlands. That one night a restaurant across the street from Trump square a little park with seating arrangements left baked ziti for a homeless person. I had scored a dinner. I sat and ate and then slept on one of the tables. It had started to rain so I walked in the rain to the translation, and sat on the steps of the underground market. The maintenance didn’t want me sitting there so they asked me to leave. Turnstyle was closed and I had no where to go, so I jumped the turnstile to the 2 train and sat on one of the waiting benches in the train station. I slept there until the morning.

Not alot of people at the shelter know my story, not even my case manager Ingrid. When I met Ingrid it was her job to make sure I was complying with shelter rules, and to make sure I made my appointment with the psychiatritst that was given to me from Franklyn. Then I was given appointments to see the GYN because I have a IUD in place, the internist, the dentist, and podiatrist because I have arthritis in my feet. They had my full medical history.

It wasn’t until the shelter was put in quartine at the hotels from DHS mandarin that I decided to buy a laptop from amazon. So I bought a MacBook air 11.6 refurbished. I got a paid may and June from social security, and since Im not seeing my regular case manager to put money in savings I decided to treat myself to an investment. We are going to be in the hotel for 3-6 months. With HRA close and social security offices closed I can’t build my income profile for landlords. But I’m sure to save some money for when we do get back to the South Bronx. I have to have something to put away in savings.

Living on the street, was the scariest time of my life. Not knowing where I was going to sleep, or when I was going to get my next meal. I spent my day wondering around between two pharmacy’s trying to steal packets of tuna and crackers. Or packets of salmon. I was stealing bags of chocolate candies and eating them. I was trying to sit in Starbucks and loiter for as long as possible. When your homeless, everybody knows. There are some that are kind enough to give a few dollars or buy you a meal. There was a man who bought me a cup of coffee and a buttered roll when I was sitting in the gazebo and also a woman and her dog, she gave me her breakfast of hot tea and butter cookies. But you can be picked up by the cops at any time if they see that you are loitering a specific area for too long, which is how I got picked up the last time sitting in front of the post office.

I decided to start a blog to share my new life as a client of Susan place, and give full detail what its like to live in a mica shelter. Life goes on with or with out.

The past bites back

I can’t say for sure, but I thought I was a good mother. I got my kids ready for school, cooked dinner, went to parent teachers meetings. But there was always something off about me. And as I progressed into my diagnois, and having to go to out patient care to see a psychologist and a therapist, I think my mother was ok with me living at home with her for the most part. It wasn’t until 2016 when things with my public assistance case took a turn for the worst and I couldn’t get snap benefits anymore. I blamed my son for not cooperating with me.

I cried because I couldn’t get snap to open my case unless my son was willing to bring in his W2 and he didn’t have one. They had to adjust my benefits to how much cash was on hand. I was no longer head of household on the budget. My son was an adult. But in the eyes of the government I was responsible for him until he was 27, which pushed me to seek out section 8. I wasn’t head of house hold of the apartment, I didn’t pay the rent. With y mother being retired and living off retirement, my son had a job in place. But it was cash on hand. He was getting direct deposit, but living off tips every 2 weeks. He hasn’t quite gotten a w2 yet. But he refused to go welfare with me with a letter stating that he was working from his empoyers letter head.

I was in the throws of an episode at this point. I had let my daughter stay home for a week, I wrote, “Sean was here” on my bedroom wall in pen. I was hearing voices talking to the televison I had threw away my iPhone that my mother had disconnected. And then ACS shows up and tells me I have to go to court. The next day the cops came and took my house keys away from me. My daughter was at school, and my son was talking to the police officers. I was served a restraining order and told I had to vacate. I grabbed my pocket book and my jacket, already being dressed in a pair of jeans and a t shirt, and I left the apartment.

I had desecrated the bedroom with baby powder because I was having hallucinations, and saw Tupacs face on my wall. I was locking myself in the bathroom and thought the pope was marrying me to 50 cent, which was strange because Diddy was my man. I thought there was a camera in the ceiling fan in the living room and I was being monitored. My son was putting all the food my mother bought in his room so I couldn’t eat it. That The phone I did have with mobile I hadn’t even given Elaine the number yet. So I didn’t have her number. We where talking thought Facebook messenger, that I was posting all types of absurd things, and locked myself out of the account.

The past will come back to bite you. After doing much harm to myself, My credit score is 429. You need a 700 to rent in New York City. 13 pages of deliquent accounts the credit advisor pulled up when I had my credit history reviewed.

I wanted to die when I heard I wasn’t a good candidate to rent any place. His only suggestion was to claim bankruptcy, but I still didn’t have the $2000 dollars to pay a lawyer with having to give 60% of my income up for savings. He wanted me to see Bronx legal services Legal Aid society.

I never called or went. For one when I did this credit review I had been in the shelter 4 months. I didn’t have a phone or car fair to get to someplace I wouldn’t be able to find with Google maps. So I had learned that if I can’t get placed in an apartment or a share that I would have to live in scattered housing which has case managers on site or a group home. Its been a year in May the passed that I have been in the shelter, and I haven’t even built an income profile yet.

I sit back and wonder how many other woman are in the same situation I’m in. Not only that I have been arrested and let out on my own recoginitice for shop lifting. Is that on my background check? I have no idea. All I know is I had to take a picture for a mug shot.

Its been a year, and I dwell on where am I going to live. Perfect time to be thrown out on your ass, in debt that its suggested that you file chapter 7 bankruptcy. Its nice to have SSI, its a real cushion to not having anything but $45 dollars a month and donated cash by someone you met on a dating app, I literally have no place to go. I have to assume that when its time to start looking at apartments and talking about scattered sites that It will take some time to be selected, because I cut be choosy. Its not first come first serve in my situation. I literally have to face the fact that I may be living in a dwelling with medal detectors and paying for it for the rest of my life or in a group home for the mentally challeneged and sharing a room with someone who has worse mental health issues then I do. Or being segregated to my own room but having a curfew and no after hours.

Its why I invested in a laptop. I have to put my story out there for people to read. Im no convert, I changed. Im not a thief anymore, I cant be anyways. But I decided to invest in something greater so I can keep my mind active and build an audience. Its better then writing on paper where no one can see or read my thoughts and my experiences.

A year passes by so quickly, that living in a shelter that the day is cumbersome. The day is surrounded by waiting for something to eat. Its breakfast, lunch and dinner. If you want to eat out you can but The shelter is run by the kitchen. 3 meals a day. No dessert only on special occasions if by chance they are able to provide dessert, that the bakery up the block on burnside ave is making a killing excepting EBT for a slice of cake. A slice of cake is $4 dollars.

There are primarliy Spanish restaurants around the shelter. I live in little puertorico is what the ladies call it. The only thought on everyones mind is what time are they going to eat, or getting something to eat. The food is served one helping at a time, no seconds only at lunch time if they can manage it. So you kind of go to bed hungry. Theres really no science behind running a community kitchen.

I will never be able to take my daughter to brunch or go to Central Park in the summer time and spend time with my daughter in the little playground on 96th and Central Park. I won’t be able to fall asleep watching friends or watch cable tv. I won’t be able to have the little moments shared with my family, or have Thanksgiving feast, or open Christmas gifts ever again. Im on my own to deal with my demons; mental health, schitophrenia.

I don’t like living in a shelter. But my world revolved around how was I going to get money, or moving out of state. That when I brought the pitbull Harlow into the apartment I just added her to the cost of moving, all on $733 a month. I didn’t think that having retail credit would effect me. I really had no idea you needed a credit score to move, or if it would effect you having section 8. you cut get approved for section 8 with a piss poor credit score. The past haunts me every day. Im always afraid that Im going to have an episode and if I do who’s going to know if Im in the hospital. My schitophrenia is low grade, being stressed out effects my daily functions of trying to be normal. And Im going to have to see a psychiatrist for the rest of my life. I didn’t think of how was I going to feed the dog or take care of vet expenses. Which is another bill I owe to Gotham vets for Harlow getting spayed. They put me on a payment plan and I still owe $200 for the cost of her spay.

Was I in an episode for a year back in 2016? It progressed slowly. I never want to hear voices again. It was scary to be alone in the streets of New York and not have a place to sleep, and hearing voices telling me that Diddy was coming to get me, just hold on. That when I got a deposit of $2500 dollars in my bank account I spent it on Mac make up and a hotel room for 3 nights. By the time I tried to stay there a 4th night I had run out of money. I had ear buds on and was listening to music and hearing voices through the music.

The past stares at me every day. Im not up date with E! news or anything celebrity unless I log on to twitter or google news that comes across my phone screen. Ill never have cable tv again, unless I keep paying for subscriptions to Netflix and Hulu. The only thing I can can keep up with is Power because I have the starz app, but there’s no one to talk to about the up coming powerbook the continution of power. I would talk to Elaine about the show. We would watch it together on Sunday nights and then get on the phone and talk about the show together. I don’t have a pot to piss in or a friend in the world who cares about me.

I can’t share the story line with Ruby, she doesn’t have any apps on her phone, and is busy watching Micheal Jackson videos on repeat. I will never have a comfortable bed to sleep in, or a home cooked meal, like curry chicken the way my mother used to make it. And if something should happen to my parents or my children Ill never know about it.

My life now revolves around keeping my public assistance case open and making sure I get my entitlements, going to the psychiatist once a month going for a cryotherapy to get rid of the hpv. They don’t do the procedure at the clinic I have to go to the hospital in September. Then when I turn 40 Im looking at a mommagrahy. I don’t have any words or wisdom from my mother, or to see my step father come over with food he prepared for the family. I will never hear my sons stories how he was on his bike and almost “got a little bit hit by a car.” Or see my daughters school pictures or do her hair. I was living well beyond my means, and it reflects now. It did when I was living at home but I didn’t have an apartment under my name or paying the rent to take notice that I was destroying myself.

26 credit cards and all of them I owe and student loans. And I have no way of paying them back. If I work Student loans will garnish my wages which is worse because I wouldn’t be eligible to move into my own apartment. I would be working to pay off student loan debt. Who’s going to rent to me with my credit history. I can’t even get into nycha which is public housing. Theres no point in filling out an application online.

Some of the cards weren’t even explanitory, like Mandees. I can’t even fit their clothes, I just bought my mother clothes, and me a pair of boots, one day we went for a walk and stopped in mandees. I just wiped out the card like nothing. I thought I was being an adult by having credit lines, that I looked into having a time share like Ging. I couldn’t afford it. I even went so far as to apply for spousal support from SSA May 1st 2016, because my husband was in the army I thought I would be able to get his military points and get SSDI. He had to be living in the house hold and they would have had to found me disabled under SSDI terms.

I tried my hardest to live normally. But tying to keep up with the jones was a job in itself, that no body notice I had signed myself out of treatment. Things I was always waiting for the first of the month, that by the time I set up shop and was paying off as many cards as I could I set up payment for the first of the month including the cell phone bill, and over withdrew on my account with chase every month. I had pulled out money to take my daughter to brunch, but I had to make sure I had my gadgets on and working so she could use the tablet and her phone to play games.

I was trying to give my kids what I never had. I was raised an only child, so having a video game like Nintendo came with an arguement from my father before he allowed me to get a video game or a tv in room. He wanted me to read, that most of the time my allowance to get getting books from barnes and noble, and the weekend spent taking a walk with Monifa a girl who moved into the building when I was 12 years old. She was 13 and had a younger sister. Her mother was a single mother and they where renting the apartment down the hall from me. We would go to barnes and noble and buy a book and and got into the vampire diaries. That once a week we would be going to the book store.

But my mother never took me shopping or take me with her to get my nails done. She was an older mom, so by the time I was 13 she had stopped getting manicure and pedicures. I wanted more for my relationship with my daughter. I wanted to be able to go shopping with her and get manicures and go out to eat, that I vowed that when I was working for dry bar I would make it to manager of a one of the salons, it was just blow drying hair, right?

Little did I know the performence the job required. I now know I can’t work, and its not because of my student loan debt. I don’t function correctly. Im a misfit to society. My mental health is a big factor in my every day existence. Im always afraid Im going to have psychotic episode that I religiously go to my psychiatry appointments.

I just wish that I belonged to someone, even one of the cliques within the walls of the shelter. My only friend is my phone, my tablet, and now my laptop. I enjoy journaling my journey though my new life as a client on Susans place.

About the life

Like I said before, there’s 200 woman at my shelter. All from different walks of life. Some who have been in jail, some who are married and coming from domestic violence situations, trying to get back on their two feet. Alot of woman are middle aged and accustomed to living in the shelter. Its like a group home, with plastic trays.

A lot of the time the woman are just sit-in around having conversation about when they move out how their apartment is going to look. When I didn’t have anything the banter of the on going conversations would flood my ears. I was so lonely with out Ruby around. That I had my legal pad, I would sit in the living room at the table and write short stories and poetry. I would also write about how I felt being kicked out of the apartment in which I used to live.

Where I used to live was nice. I lived in stonehenge village on west 97th street between Columbus and Amsterdam ave. My apartment wasn’t small for a two bedroom. I even had a terrace. There was a laundry room on premises and a gym for market value renters. I am accustomed to certain things Im not longer going to have access to. Like a laundry room on premises. Im going to have to find a laundry mat to do my laundry when I move.

Stonehenge Village is right off broadway, with barnes and noble about 10 blocks away and a small shopping district on 100th street and Columbus, Im going to miss going to tj Maxx to find little things to buy, or going to star bucks for a frapichino.

I miss going out to brunch with my daughter. I would do this once a month we would get dressed up and go out for Thai food at a Thai restaurant on 100th street and broad way. But events have changed my course of action.

I now live in the South Bronx, the ghetto. An eye soar to what New York City has to offer. Located by the 4 train, I don’t get on the train unless I have to come back from an appointment or to go get something for my profile to move. Im now looking at building my profile for land lords to check me out to be a prospect for an apartment or a share.

A few times I have taken myself out to eat at mcdonlads on burnside. I buy breakfast consisting of 3 pancakes sausage and a cup of coffee and I eat in mcdonlads. This is when I was getting $22.50 every two weeks. Then I decided to save up so I could buy a pair of leggings from rainbow shops on burnside. I take strolls sometimes to look at the not so greener side of the south bronx. There aren’t that many stores either. Besides Rainbows and S and A, there’s a post office, and liberty income tax.

When I had nothing and was wearing high water thick denim leggings and 3/4 sleeve shirts I got from donations, I would stand out side and people watch. I had my appointments set up for the clinic and I would go to my appointments with no phone and just sit and wait to be seen behind the waiting room door of the clinic. The clinic is small, with a dentist chair, two psychiatrist, and 3 physicians, a front desk that is separated by a partition with the receptionist and two nurses.

I see the psychiatrist once a month for my halloo shot. And its the same things every time. He even suggested calling my family, but I deny on the request. I have a restraining order on me. I have nothing to say to my family. I can’t see them and too much time has passed. Then I get my halloo shot and schedule my next appointment in a months time.

When I had nothing all I had was a legal pad, and as I wrote my feelings down on paper, I would say to myself “But who’s going to read this” Who Am I leaving this for. Theres no one to share my poetry or short stories with. Ruby can’t read, and there’s no one else that I talk to.

I would go in the computer room and if by chance I got a computer I would look up how to get published as a song writer. Anything to kill the monotny. I have to say Ive come a long way from just getting $22.50 every two weeks. I joined mailing lists just because and even made a myspace page. I also was on a penpal website to talk to strangers.

I have my New York ID card which I took a trip to Lincoln hospital. I thought I was going to need points at the dmv, but because I lost my identification I was able to just change addresses. I still have the same picture from my old Identification card on my new id with Susans places address attached to it. Its so surreal to me that Im living in a shelter. But like Racheal said, as long as we have a roof over our heads, and clean water, because when I was living on the street I went 3 months with out a shower or brushing my teeth. I was in the throws of an episode which lasted pretty much until the haldol kicked in, which is slow acting.

Its scary to think that I have no one who cares about my where about. No one to check in on me to see if I’m alright. I have my whole set up now, cell phone, tablet, and laptop. I have to think of keeping money on my direct express card so that I can continue paying for my streaming services when my 6 months are up from getting paid my benefits, and the 3 month hiatus. I need to have money to pay my bill at MetroPCS, which is $87 dollars a month. With clothes on my back already and using EBT to buy cigarettes Im not using any cash to buy anything. I am right now because I don’t have a hook up while staying at the hotel. I have to use cash to buy my cigarettes. Im not a chain smoker so I can keep a pack pretty much for a few days. But I have slowed down even more because I don’t want to use my cash to buy cigarettes. I know When I move, Im not going to have the same hook up like the deli on the hill where I can use my EBT for cigarettes. Im going to have to pay cash. Which is why I have Nicolette gum. I had it ordered from my physician at the Susans place clinic, and then a refill from my psychiatrist. Eventually Im going to quit smoking.

When I got my phone and tablet after lunch I would sit In AWOL and watch power. That was a good show. I caught up on the entire show and Then got into orange is the new black. Its hard to manage a little bit of money being deposited on a debt card once a month. I am trying to conserve, but the laptop was a good investment. A portable journal.

Alot of the woman who have laptops use the internet to research apartments or try to find rooms to rent, they don’t want to let the system work itself out. like Yvonne who works for Handy. She moved out of the shelter and into a room on treemont ave, and was paying $700 dollars a month from her $745 in ssi. She made her side money working as a house cleaner. But she couldn’t keep up with the rent, because she had to pay for transportation to and from gigs she got from the app. She’s back in a different shelter because Susans places turned her away, there where no beds available. I forget which shelter she told me she was at, but she too is in a hotel with her shelter. She had called me because she owes me $30 dollars, and was going to pay me back using cash app. She has yet to pay me back. I gave her the money when Abdul was giving me $20 a week when I was getting $22.50 and I had the extra cash. But she didn’t even tell me she moved out of the shelter. She just left. Thankfully we had exchanged numbers before hand.

Yvonne is from Arkansas. She moved to New York because she knew New York would be her home. At 57 she’s a grandmother to 5 grand children. She only has 1 daughter who can barely keep the lights on in her home back in Arkansas, that Yvonne basically hustles a side job outside SSI to help her daughter serve. She even was letting her daughter hold on to her direct express card so she could pay bills leaving Yvonne to hustle her ass off for extra cash. She used the chime prepaid card to get paid from her side jobs. She used to live in Brooklyn and is still using her old address with social security. Theres a problem with doing that, in case your sent a notice to come in to the local offices, its better to just switch your address to your current address and chuck it up as a waiting period when the 3 month hiatus rolls around.

Alot of the woman have payees to their SSI. Meaning someone who maintains there account with SSA. Your payee gets paid and gives you your money. Thats what SSA was going to have me do, but I had an a screening done nd they said I was able to manage my own funds. Plus I didn’t have a payee. Im glad I passed the interview.

Neicey, a woman at the shelter, she has her daughter Tiffany as a payee. Neice’s real name is Sharon, but goes by Neicey. I smoke with her sometimes when. I can catch her. She also goes to a program like Ruby, but hers is in Far Rockaway Queens. She has been in the shelter system for 4 years now. She’s been at Susans place for a year. She gets access a ride which is a program for the the disabled, so you don’t have to take public transportation. They come to pick up Neicey to take her to her program or her daughters apartment in far Rockaway. Neicey plans on gettin an apartment in Far Rockaway to be closer to her daughter. Her son lives in California.

The problem with having a payee is that if social security sends you a letter they are using the payees address to contact you. You can get cut off if you don’t go to the local offices when your called to do a yearly or 7 year annual. They will find you not disabled and stop paying you. Neicey has her daughter as her payee and thats her problem. Im just sitting around waiting to hear that someone got cut off for doing something illegal or against the rules of SSA.

Ruby was about to get cut off when she was using the Brooklyn address. She had updated her information with social security and they sent her a letter in the mail stating that her benefits where going to be cut if she didn’t go to the local office to update her letter of residency.

I haven’t had a problem yet. As soon as quarintine is over Im going to the social security office to update my information with a residency letter. I was suppose to go in May but the offices where close due to coronavirus. So before I get a letter in the mail Im just going to head over to Fordham offices and update my information.

Out of all the little dwellings in Susans place to be the quietest place is the living room. We have cable but like I said before its mandated by the security guards. Your not allowed to sleep in the living room. The semi reclining sofas are comfortable thats I found myself dozing off a few times. I would take my coat and cover my face. Theres only one guard on shift in the morning who doesn’t mind if you fall asleep. Three tables. One long one by the door, a medium side one in the middle and a smaller one by the wok out room. Alot of the time who ever is the hair braider of the month will use the middle table to braid hair. But its usually done in shifts because the living room closes at noon for lunch time. There are outlets to charge your phone, and I have my regular seat by the TV where the most excisable out let can be reached. The living room doesn’t start getting crowed until about 9am. But with on going activities starting at around 9:30am the living room is the second most popular place to sit at the shelter. The first most popular place is the cafeteria. Theres more room.

We have wifi so alot of the woman have tablets and are streaming shows on their tablets or phones. At around 10 am when the cafeteria opens back up maybe half of the space is filled with woman just sitting around. Theres alot of eating and talking going on. Theres a clique of older woman who sit at their favorite table. We have a microwave, which is used to pop popcorn bought from the deli across the street for $1, or bacon egg and cheese sandwiches being eaten. Jacky the chef of the kitchen is busy prepping lunch or diner by 10am.

They have special dinners for the clients of the shelter. Like for thanksgiving we had turkey rice and macaroni and cheese, no stuffing, they didn’t make it. Theres always a non profit organzation volunteering in the kitchen. For Christmas they gave away raffles and we where each given a grab bag with things like the good soap” real maxi pads and socks. Stuffed animals where also given out on Christmas. And for New Years We where able to see the ball drop the kept the living room open until 1am. I was asleep. Things just aren’t the same anymore.

Since being in the shelter There has been two special events thought up by Mecca the activities cordinator. First was a play by a non profit acting team call notchaday which was about the life of living in the shelter or living on your own and dealing with the welfare office or section 8 offices for people who still have section 8. And the second is when spokes people from a shea butter shampoo company came in and gave us retail size shampoo, conditioner, and a bar of black soap. The stuff barley fit in my locker. I used the shampoo and conditioner. Its good for kinky to curly hair. But its alot of miscellaneous to does with the activies cordinator. Its just a bunch of random things that go on and posted about on the flyer board that I know she gets paid $37,000 a year to schedule absolutely nothing. She takes care of the activities now while being in the motel. She’s here every Tuesday with beading, coloring, and word puzzles, and information about job fairs that are open. We still have to see a case manager while being here also. It took two weeks for them to set up shop on the ground floor rooms and turn them into offices. Ingrid isn’t here. Thats my case manager at Susans place. Ingrid is Jamaican and I barely understand what she is saying sometimes with her thick accent, but I used to look forward to going to see her once a week because it was someone new to talk to. She tells me about the cityfeheps voucher and building my profile.

My case manager now is MS. Vargas. She’s nice enough but there’s nothing to do but sign my ILP every other week, and check to see if Ive had any appointments outside the clinic or Susans place. Its about 5 minute visit. When Im at Susans place my appointment with Ingrid is much longer. About an hour. We have to go though what did I do for the week, we walk about goals for the future, and if Ive heard from my family. They have it in the computer system that I have an acs case and a restraining oder. She also keeps track of my appointments at he clinic especially with the psychiatist.

If I need to go HRA she schedules a van request which I absolutely hate because Ms. smith takes a very long time. The wait could be an hour and half. You have to be waiting in the waiting area by 8am, while Ms. smith gets the paper work for the van requests. Its usually about 5 woman per van request to go to HRA at 300 canal place. And once a month for people on SSI to go to SSA for an award letter to give to your case manager. Ms. smith knows everybody so she has to small talk her way around everything she does, there’s a conversation for everything. Then the van has to be taken from the garage across the street. The driver Pauly is a fantastic driver though. But Its a very long wait for him to get established.

When I had nothing not even a phone to keep me destracted, I would sit by the window and watch the woman outside smoking. Ruby has already left for the day. So there was no one to spark up a conversation with. I think everyone knew I was homeless and living on the street, because I did a 360. I went from sitting and waiting for van requests to having ssi and new clothes. Everyone saw when I got my packages from the Craig the receptionist. Alot of the woman congratulated me on winning my SSI, and “god blessed me”.

When I first got to the shelter all I had was a pair of leggings and a tunic top That was given to me by Franklyns woman shelter. I had a ratty old true religion over sized hoody that I wore that I had found while living on the street, and in the dead of summer I had my hair wrapped up in an old pair of leggings thats tore a hole in the croch.

Vernese a woman who has left the shelter to move back into her old section 8 apartment had given me $25 so I could get the things I needed like hair products. So I bought a tub of Hawain silk relaxer and grease for my hair. I also bought combs. I relaxed my hair in the bathroom sink like some woman do, and I had mini crop cut. My hair is growing back from when I had locked myself in petcos bathroom and relaxed my hair in the toilet and cut it off.

Vernese was in the shelter because when her mother died and left her the apartment her uncle decided to start paying the rent and had her kicked out. She grabbed her things and went to a waiting depot in down town Manhattan which transferred her to Franklyn then she was transferred to Susans place. Still receiving SSI and looking for a job with work force. She was able to get her apartment back because she cut off the cable and her brother and uncle left the apartment. She didn’t live that far away from the shelter either. Born and raised in the Bronx she was a product of the shelter with her mother. She was bipolar and receiving $429 in SSI. She was only in the shelter for 2 months during the summer last year, before she made her own personal transfer to a shelter in Manhattan, then back to Susans place and to her apartment in the bronx.

We had become chum meeting up to sit in the park and talk about celebrities. She knew everything there was to know about my favorite person, Diddy, and she would tell me the ins an outs of the personal gossip she aquired while doing her research on Sean John Combs. There where other people we talked about as well. She Told me when I got my ssi to get a laptop. I had shared some of my poetry with her and she said someone will take my efforts seriously.

I bought the laptop so I can have something to call my own. Its not lavish but I want to maintain something. Vernese is the one who told me I should blog, and get an audience and share my story with and online audience.

It can get expenisve if you don’t have your entitlements in tact with the vending machine and smoking that the woman look forward to having their food stamps in place just so they can buy cigarettes. Its a stress reliever to smoke.

Curfew is at 9pm. If your working at night you have to get permission to come back later the 9pm so your accounted for at bed check. Theres no smoking allowed in the building. Why did they have the smoke room to begin with, I don’t know. But when DHS closed it down the woman of the shelter who smoked got very annoyed. But it was explained it was a health hazzard. If you get caught smoking in the bathroom you get written up, after 3 times you get transferred to another shelter. Ruby smokes in the shower, and has yet to get caught, because when she takes her shower at 4am its the man guard is on his shift. He’s not allowed to spot check the bathroom. Ruby is a thirst bucket for cigarettes. She smokes a pack a day, and has terrible CPOD. Her daughter begs her to stop smoking, but Rubys retort is she isn’t ready yet.

Ms. smith now has an assistant to help her with van requests so the van now takes us and brings us back from which ever government office we have to go to. You have to keep a public assistance case open so when your selected to move or your in the moving process rather, so you can apply for a one shot deal with HRA, which pays your deposit and first months rent.

Since being in quarantine and getting my new laptop I have been thinking about the next chapter of my life, and the many phases I have gone through thus far. It was a long haul from having nothing in place to gettin my SSI in February. Theres no one to share a good laugh with or to tell what happened in your day, unless you know or have people to call. I keep thinking Im going to see my mother and have stories to tell her but its not going to happen. Im never going to see her again, or my children. I am literally on my own. I have a phone, and no one to call to say “hey wanna meet up” Or do you want to come over. Theres no one personal in my life that I can confide in, I have to make the best of a bad situation. My gadgets are my friends.

Living in the shelter isn’t that bad of situation. But its the noise level that can give me a headache at the end of the day that I just go to bed around 7pm. But there’s always music playing, or a fight has just broken out that I keep to myself during the day and pray I don’t wake up the next morning. My prayers to Gods ears. but its unlikely that Im going to die any time soon. Im healthy except for have contracting HPV.

Its like ground hogs day thats why it isn’t that bad. You know what to expect living in a dorm like situation. The rules never change. The staff are either friendly or their not it really depends on the person you talk to. The staff make it a point to know everybody in the shelter that its hard for people to do anything suspicious. Plus there’s security cameras.

Thats how I feel being at the hotel. Im looking for things to do and there isn’t. At least Im not bumbarded by the activities and being told to leave the living room because Zumba is about to start. I have been spending many hour on my new laptop sharing myself with an online audience.

A little history

When I applied for social security income the first time ever, I was denied. I had only been hospitalized twice, and they didn’t find me disabled. I had to go for an appeal. Which meant a year long wait to go to court in down town Manhattan at civil court.

My daughter was 3 at the time, and I had a case manager named Natasha Phillips coming to see me once a week to make sure I was taking my medication and make sure I was ok. She was appointed by the hospital and I had no choice but let her come and visit me. She was nice and helped me apply for a Obama phone. My mother was working for democracy prep high school in east Harlem. Her job at ART oh mi was temporary but she soon landed a job at Democracy prep. She was making $75000 a year as the high school librarian. She was the bread winner, and I was just another mouth to feed.

I had been lying to snap with a letter I hand wrote myself with a factious address and phone number stating that I was baby sitting for $100 dollars a week. The offices don’t have enough leeway to cross reference letters or pay stubs so I was able to get snap with out having to go to work force. Work force is orientation for non working working people. They give you a test to see where you stand academically and Point you in the direction of a person who handles job fair. And your supposed to go to orientation to get help getting a job. They have jobs at staples and and security positions, and they don’t help with metro cards. Your suppose to run around New York City on their appointments given so you can keep your snap benefits. You have be doing something. Working or going to school. It wasn’t until I had to apply for welfare the very first time I learned this. I decided to go to Manhattan barbering school on 28th street and broadway. I had a student loan taken out and I was getting $64 dollars every two weeks in cash assistance and $597 in snap benefits. I still just a single mother of one child.

The course was 12 weeks and at the end I had to take the practical which was hard as fuck. It was given at the school and my father had his brother as my model He got a hair cut and a hot towel shave. I failed the master barbers test. I only had my temporary license. I was able to get a chair working in a barber shop in the Bronx off the the 2-3 train. I was in a shop with a bunch of men and I had no idea what I was doing that the manager of the shop had to finish my hair cuts. He wanted me to work on the beauticians side of the shop, it was a double shop one side was a barber shop the other side was beauty salon. But I didn’t have my license so I quit the job.

So then I found out that I didn’t have to apply for full welfare benefits I could just go to the snap office on 125th and 8th ave, someone told me to lie to them and just get a letter saying I was working so I didn’t have to go to child support court again. So I wrote a letter and I was Approved for snap benefits. My cash was coming from my mother. I didn’t have enough to get my nails done so Elaine was generous enough to pay for me keep my nails done. And when I wanted my hair braid I was steal my mother debit card and take out $100 so I could go to 125th street and between 6th and 7th ave to my girl Kane to get my hair braided in an African hair braiding shop that I had been going to for some time.

I was still applying for job and getting some interviews but never called to start working. Until I got job working with a veterinarian as front desk reception. He delt primarliy with Cats, located on 79th and broadway. I got fired from the job because I screwed up the paper work on the computer. I got paid $80 dollars. I didn’t even last two weeks on the job.

So when I found out I could lie to snap thats what I did. I had snap for 6 months until recertfication, and the same rules would apply. I would have to bring in a copy of the lease, a letter that I was working or pay stubs, and wait to be seen by one of the snap officers. This went on for some time and as long as I was putting food on the table no one said any thing. I did still try to find work. I lied on my resume and used my friends as references like when I was working for the town shop which was a lingerie shop on broad way and 81st street.

So when I was hospitalized, then hospitalized a second time, Natasha told me to apply for SSI, that I may not get approved the first time but I could do an appeal and go to court. Surly enough Thats what happened.

Natasha met me down town by 8am to go to court. It was was in July. My father came by the apartment to baby sit for me and I went down to the court houses.

When you do an appeal you have to write to SSA and give a reason why you want to appeal the decision made in your case, and you have to do it online. I had a little notebook laptop called an EEEpc my father bought me for Christmas. I had to make a social security profile and submit To a questionnaire form. I was given a reference number and in a few days a letter in the mail with my court date attached to it. I had no money for a year. I was getting $20 a week from my mother or when I needed money for appointments with snap. I was given laundry money to do mine and my daughters laundry and I spent my time home with my daughter.

I went to my bi weekly appointments with outpatient care on 114th street and Amsterdam with my therapist Chris Wilson and my psychologist Ricardo Miller. I was given a metro card at he clinic to get back home, then I had my weekly visits with Natasha.

Natasha worked for a program called Post graduates on 23rd street. Her job was to visit mentally challenge people at home to make sure medication was being taken and if needed fill out a 2010e. I wasn’t eligible for a 2010e because I already had shelter and I was a single mother . You have to be living in a shelter and not have children, and be recieving SSI. She was in charge of placement of 2010e like moving someone into a group home and things of that nature.

My daughter wasn’t school age yet so Natasha tried her best to help me get her into day care but I had to be working in order to get her into day care. So I would spend most of my time pushing the stroller to Barnes and noble and coming back to feed her lunch. Alot of time was spent in front of the Tv. Because I was on Zyrexia I was groggy. It was a anti psychotic drug. Which left me incompassitated. I would sleep until noon leaving my daughter to fend for herself while my mother went to her 9-5 job. I couldn’t get up out of sleep. So as my mother left She would leave the house phone by my head and my daughter would be up playing with her toys while the tv was on. My mother would feed her breakfast.

It was July when I had to make a court appearance at civil court. My appointment was at 9am. I was there by 8 am waiting outside for Natasha to show up. She was my witness. If you need to bring someone with you to court like a case manager or a family member it was written in the questionaire I had to fill out online.

The judge was given a letter from my psychologist stating that I was unable to work because I was in intensive outpatient care at the psychologists office and that I was a good candidate for SSI. The judge read the letter and told me not to move to expect a letter in the mail in 7-10 days with a determination. In about 5 days I got a letter in the mail it was my award letter. I had to go to the social security office which used to be located on 55 west 125th but moved to 209 west 127th street and 7th ave.

When I went that Monday morning to to the social security office I learned that I would only be getting paid $421 a month but if I brought a letter back from my mother stating I was paying utilities I would get the full benefit amount of $733. So I came back with a letter from my mother, and they called her to verify. So once a month on the first I was getting $733 a month. I got retro active pay in a span of 6 months I got a deposit in my td bank account for $3600 I gave my mother half, the $3200 then another $3600 dollars. I gave my mother half of all the back pay. I spent the rest of it on clothes for myself and my daughter and bought a phone. My mother already had ATT so she let me get an iPhone and the cell phone bill was my responsibility. My son was starting high school and needed a phone so my mother took him to ATT and got him an iPhone. He was attending Essex street academy in china town. So I had 3 phone lines that I was responsible for paying. The bill was $125 a month.

I was feeling myself. I had an iPhone and Elaine had just moved to jersey city she had had her second child and was goin through a divorce. She had an iPhone and we would face time each other and talk all the time. My son said to me its business phone Im not doing anything why did I have an iPhone. When he started high school is when things begin to change between him and I. He was more arrogant and told me about myself more then one occasion. He was acting out and smoking weed by the 9th grade and hanging out with older boys from the building. But what could I do, his father wasn’t around. He was still a good kid but our relationship was rocky. I was only good on the first of the month I got paid, he would hit me up for money so he could go out with his friends.

Before ATT had grandfathered back in unlimited everything we where on a data plan. So the bill was always escalating. The bill rose to $300 and thats when My son was in the 11th grade and started working for insomnia cookies. So my mother and I switched to Sprint and got new iPhones and my son had ATT which he paid his $90 bill with his pay check. I thought if I could show him responsiblity it would be to pay his own cell phone bill, but most of the time my mother paid it because he was always using his money to buy weed and fix his bike at the bike shop. If it wasn’t the tires it was the spokes.

By the time My daughter was in kindergarten the sprint bill was almost $500 a month, because I added tablets and I had a subscription to beats music. I had $75 dollars left after all my little bills where paid, and the laundry still hadn’t been washed. My mother was paying to wash my laundry.

My daughter got left back in kindergarten, she was being tested for a learning disability by the school, but they wanted to wait until she was in the first grade.

We had switched from time Warner cable to Verizon fios and I had Verizon fios put in my name so I could have a bill in my name so when I went to the DMV for my state Identification I could prove my address. I was still using a passport, and I had a ticket in my name for not wearing a seat belt, even though I had just taken it off when I was parked in front of the building after coming home from a lousy date, where I was date raped. He had made me drink his seaman after a blow job. then drove me back home and treated to leave me on a road in Queens, but ended up driving me home and getting a speeding ticket, and I got a ticket for not wearing a seat belt. I met the guy on black planet. And I was also Cat fished. It wasn’t the same guy from the pictures, but I still went on the date. I ended up getting pregnant and having an abortion.

I was always with out money by the time I got my SSI. I was good for a couple of months but when we switched from time Warner to Verizon fios I was always broke. My mother never asked me to contribute to the house hold because I was bringing the food stamps. I was putting food on the table. By the time I got my SSI I was up for recertification, I had to bring my award letter and a copy of the rent to recertification on 125th street. I wasn’t off zyprexia but my doctor had recalibrated my medication intake and instead of 25 milligrams I was put on 15 milligrams which helped. I was able to get up in the morning and take my daughter to school.

So it wasn’t until I started seeing my therapist and psychologist once month that I decided to go back to school. I only had had one problem with SSI which brought me to their offices they said I was over paid and they didn’t pay me one month, but quickly fixed the problem and the next day I was issued my money.

It was 2016, I enrolled at empire beauty school. Determined to get off Welfare and Close my ssi case and have a normal job, I was seeing my therapist and pscyhologist the entire time I was in school. I had to leave early on the day I had to travel from 34th Street to 114th on the 1 train. When I graduated I won award for time management. I had 98% attendence. I was at school by 8:30 am every day after dropping my daughter off at school, I was paying for after school which my mother took over payments because I couldn’t keep up with it and the cell phone bill.

I wanted a career not just a job. I was in deferment with my student loans so when I got approved for financial aid I was too happy. I got a pell grant to pay for school, which meant I got a check once a month from the bersus office of $225.

I was feeling myself, but panicked every time I got on the train. I would have to tell myself that I was just going to school. I was just taking the train, I would listen to music while on the train so I wouldn’t have to hear other peoples conversations.

I had already been receiving SSI for 4 years. So when I started School, I met Tamara, who owned a beauty salon on 106th and Columbus ave. She drove a Mercedes Benz and lived in the Bronx. I got her name and number from one of Elaines friends named Faye. I decide to have my hair cut into a pixie. My hair was pretty long about shoulder length, I had it relaxed and cut into the style I desired. I decided that shorter hair would be easier. And this was a sign I know now that when I do something dramatic its my bipolar acting up. I paid $85 dollars to have my hair done. Not thinking of the cost for up keep. I had bought all new clothes in black for school, and I had a disablity metro card in place which Natasha had taken me to Water street by the ferry to apply for before graduating out of post graduates. I no longer needed case management. I had case management for almost 3 years.

So I would put $35 dollars on my metro card which allowed me to ride the train for $1.35 per ride instead of $2.25 per ride. And that was for the month to get back and forth to and from school. I brought my lunch from home because there where micro waves or I bought lunch out or I didn’t even eat lunch when I was in school. It all depended on how much money I had.

So When I recertified with SSI for snap benefits, recertification was now every year, and not every 6 months. But thats all I had was snap and SSI. It wasn’t until I was in school that I learned section 8 was closed in New York City, but you can apply for section 8 outside of New York City there was a website with an online portal for the application process.

It wasn’t until after I resigned from the dry bar and go fired from manicube that I applied for welfare one last time. My son was 20 years old and my daughter was going on 10. Because he was working I had to put him on the budget and when he refused to go to orientation I decided that If I couldn’t get cash assistance then my mother couldn’t get the rent check. I don’t know why she let me have a bank account in her name but I guess she trust that I was make lucrative money reselling on mercari, which I was. I had made $600 and gave it to her. I also made made $100 dollars her and there, but I was selling off prized possestions like Beats head phones and video games and gently used clothes.

So I would check the mail, and take the checks and deposit them into the checking account at bank of America the bank I choose to open in her name. I would forge her signature and keep the $145 every two weeks.

My cash assistance was $145 every two weeks and that was with going to child support court. I was given $75 every two weeks from my daughters father but it went into arrears. I had gone to court 7 times, because William, my daughters father was scheduled for a phone conference from Pennsylvina. Then I had found a way to sign out of going to see my psychologist and therapist, so I was on my own.

I only collected 4 checks then cut off welfare after I was done with court. I went to reapply for just snap benefits. I ran into a snag, because my son was working I would still have to include his income on my budget. He was working for cash and didn’t get pay stubs. So I quickly learned that Even being head of household on the budget I was responsible for him under the same roof until he was 27 years old. I could no longer get food stamps. And I tried. I used the app and I went to the office and They wouldn’t let me get snap benefits.

This is when things took a turn for the worst and I let my daughter stay home for a week and an acs investigation was done on me and I was evicted from my mothers apartment. There was nothing but arguing going on, it was a span of couple of days when I found out the bad news about my snap benefits and when I got kicked out that when I tell you I was hearing voices I was hearing voices.

They where coming out from the Television. I was talking to myself. I thought I was in the FBI witness protection program and I thought Diddy was talking to me though the camera portal in the television.

I had bought a pit bull I named Harlow and brought her home. I told my mother she was a gift from a friend for when I move to Cohoes New York. I had a year on the waiting list for public housing. That didn’t mean I got the apartment it just meant to meet with the housing specialist for choice voucher. I called myself crate training the puppy and even though they fell in love with Harlow she is what broke the straw on the camels back.

I was sharing the master bedroom with my daughter at this point. My mother was in the living room. We decided to switch rooms because my son was coming home from work late and I didn’t want his noise to interfere with my daughters sleep for school, and with him leaving his bike in the living room, my space, there was nothing but arguing going on. So my mother suggested that we switch rooms, and that allowed me and my daughter more privacy. We had maintenance come up and help us rearrange the rooms.

So now its been a year. I don’t know how I made it living on the street for 3 months, that sleeping in a gazebo was the best memory I have from being in the street. I spent my days walking back and forth, stealing from dune Reade and spending my day in the time Warner shops building. People where giving me food and helping me with money they knew I was homeless. I was in central bookings to prove my identity and also for shop lifting. Being thrown out of mcdonlads and arrested for loitering. And with in a year and half managed to get my SSI back and now have to worry about my future. Im facing jury duty when I move and learning how to travel the Bronx is a big deal. And I thought I would have been able to make it on $733 with my daughter, even though she started receiving benefits.

I applied for Buffalo, Newark ny, tarry town, Florida, Massachustes, ohio, main, Vermont and some other places. How was I going to get there? I couldn’t afford a seat on a plane to and from. I didn’t know how to get am track. I also applied for Newark New Jersey housing development.

I went so far as to research mitchellama apartments in Manhattan down loaded and printed the application and sent it off by mail just so I could have my own apartment. I didn’t have money for furniture or a cup to drink out of. I didn’t know that when you move you have to go to the DMV and get a new identification with your new address on it. I didn’t know when you move you have to tell social security administration that you have a lease if your receiving benefits. I have to find the snap office for my location when I move. I have a lot on my plate to think about. I might end up in a group home.

So now this month is the first month I actually got paid from SSA, and I got May and June in one check on my direct express card. So when I got SSI the first time, I literally didn’t know how to act. And I was hospitalized also. I have been in the psych ward so many time that each time I was admitted the staff remembered my name.

The longest time I was in the hospital was right before I made it to Franklyn woman assessment shelter. I was hospitlized for two months, and all the while I was in the hospital I was hearing voices. I was counting security cameras to see if and when Diddy logged in to check on me. I was having conversations with myself about remember I had the eee pc, (the mini laptop my father bought me) and the poetry I wrote.

I also spent my time in the library pretending to read the boring selection of books they had in the hospital, not once did I ask about being discharged. I felt safe in the hallways of the psych ward. I was given 3 meals a day and I had a shower and note book to write my poetry in, in pencil.

I remember when I was living on the street, I had gotten food poisening. I was on 98th and Columbus ave inside star bucks. someone had given me $20 to get something to eat, so I got a Starbucks sandwich and a frapachino. I stayed until they closed. So I quickly went down the block to Petco and locked myself in the bathroom and spent the night in Petco. I was vomiting all night. It wasn’t until the manager of the store came to open up the store at 7am that she checked the bathroom and found me in there and told me to leave before she called the cops on me. She had her phone in her hand and recorded me getting up off the floor and leaving. The only reason she knew I was there because Petco has motion detectors inside the store. So when my stomach had calmed down, I left the bathroom to look for something I could make a pillow out of so I could lay down and get some sleep.

I was delusional the whole time I was out on the street, I kept getting asked if I needed help. I turned away Goddard assessment team which came around in the vehicle to see if any body needed help with getting into a shelter. I didn’t know it was against the law to be homeless, thats when I was sitting in the train station the cops even told me if I didn’t have anywhere to go I could go to a shelter they would take me. I said I had someplace to go. I was planning on staying on the street. It wasn’t hard to come up off a couple of dollars. People where feeding me and I had made a friend at Lincoln square who was buying me lunch and giving me a coupe of dollars.

The mind of a a schizophrenic. I had slept in the rain one night in the gazzebo on 58th street. I slept under a tarp I stole from a cart park outside someplace, probably from a panhandler who left their cart outside. And I lucked out on a pack of cigarettes. There was a stray cat that came and made friends with me, not once was I thinking about home. I thought I would see my family again I just had to do this one thing to prove myself to The FBI that watching me in glass eye so I could be reunited with Diddy and I would be able to see my family again.

Its been a long year. Now I have much to face living alone for the first time. I have a lot to take care of. First is the loneliness, everything else will follow. I have to say I made my bed, now I have to lay in it. I can’t even say I blame myself, its my mental health that is at play. I have all the time in the world to become and be creative now that I have the things I need like a laptop tablet and phone. But I have a lot to face, one day at a time.

Starting over…again

I’m almost 40 years old. What I mean by starting over is getting SSI back, a source of income.

When I first got to susans place I was given a bed and a locker. I was transferred to a mica shelter for woman with mental health disabilities and or physical disabilities. There’s 200 woman in the shelter at any given time. They give you 3 meals a day and all there is to do is sit around.

Your given a case manager to help you get housing and also important paperwork like your social security card, state id with the shelters address and your birth certificate, with the help of the van request I was able to get all 3 again. My address is now that of the Bronx NY and I have all my documents. But I had to reapply for social security income. Which meant going to to the local social security office in the Bronx and making an appointment to schedule a phone interview with social security. I didn’t have a phone yet and I couldn’t get an assurance wireless because I had already had one, until someone from the shelter gave me an assurance wireless phone because she had two phone accounts she was paying for. She let me have her Obama phone. But Ms. Smith a cordinator for the van requests took me to social security and let me use her cell phone number for for my scheduled phone interview with SSA, that was for August 11th 2019.

In the meantime I had to go to welfare. Which is 300 canal place by van request. The van takes you there but your given a metro card and you have to take the BX 32 bus back to the shelter by yourself. I had made a friend on tagged. His name is Abdul. I was using the Obama phone to chat with people on tagged. It’s an 8 gig phone that comes with mad bloatwear and only enough room for one app. So I made an email address and switched accounts to SafeLink when the phone number disconnected and was sent a SIM card from SafeLink. Abdul doesnt live that far away from the shelter, I’m close to Yankee stadium and that’s the stop he lives on the 4 train. I didn’t tell him that I lost custody of my parental rights and I was kicked out of my mother’s apartment and I suffer with mental health issues like schitophrenia, I said I lost the apartment when it went coop and I don’t have any kids.

Abdul has been more then generous giving 20 dollars a week when I was on welfare. When I got approved for welfare my cash assistance was 22.50 a week and 194 in snap. Being that I don’t get a period I didn’t have to worry about buying pads, even though they have that at susans place also. Along with razors and soap. We also have showers and towels. There’s laundry facilities there also.

So when I went to HRA , and was given a metro card to take the bus back alone I hauled ass into a cab that had socilicited me and for 15 dollars I took a cab back to the shelter. I knew the address but I didn’t know the stop on the bus.

I saved the cash up and bought a pair of pants on burnsides rainbow shops and I used my snap to but cigarettes and a cup of coffee because there’s a deli across the street from the shelter that takes food stamps for cigarettes. The clothes I was wearing where from the shelters donation closet. I grabbed what I could fit including a pair or high water black begging jeans and some shirts. I was given more under wear and I was given a purple bra by some woman at Franklin who went to a church function where they were giving out donations. Before then I was wearing the to tight bra and when I was on the street I had stolen a sports bra type of bra from daune Reade.

Abdul took me shopping for some clothes at a thrift store across the street from the shelter. I was wearing my hair curly and cropped because when I was living on the street I had stolen a relaxer and a sewing kit with scissors in it. I went to Petco locked myself in the bathroom stall and relaxed my hair and washed it out in the toilet. Mind you I was bat shit crazy I had no reason to do this but I cut off my hair afterward and put a head band on.

The clothes barely fit but I had no choice but to wear tight sweatpants and t shirts. I was able to buy some hair products from the beauty supply store on burnside and in the morning wet my hair and put some products in it.

So when I was approved for welfare I had to go to we care which is a place you have to go to put on record with welfare that you can’t work and they have an assessment team to determine if you disabled or not. Their psychiatric office where my meteators between myself and SSA. They put in the application for ssi. About a week later I got paper work in the mail it was a questionnaire for social security disability, but I was also denied SSD I didn’t have enough work points. The questions where pretty standard like what was my disability, my employment history and my last known address. I filled out what I could and mailed it back.

At Susans place there’s a clinic within the walls of the shelter. The psychiatrist is the one who administers my haldol shot once a month, and that’s why I was transferred to a mica shelter.

With in 5 months I was approved for SSI. That’s wasn’t after having to see social security doctors in phelem Bay where I had to take the 4 train to 125th street and transfer to the 6 train going back uptown to Pelham bay. The office was across the street from the train station.

I opted to have the direct express card with direct deposit from SSA on it. I was mailed my first check which I cashed at the local check cashing place with Ruby my partner in crime as she calls it. I went to metro PCS and got a phone and a tablet and then went to Rite aid and put money on a prepaid green Dot card so I could download the Starz app and watch power . I wasn’t trying to keep up with the Jones anymore I was maintaining bordum.

There’s a living room at the shelter there’s two televisions. One in the dining area and one in the living room which is maintained by security. I now live with DHS. So when ever I go out for a smoke I am subjected to being frisked with a wand and my stuff out through a scanner. I have to go through a metal detector when ever I leave the building. I hide my lighter in my bra like most of the other woman at the shelter, because it doesn’t go off in the medal detector.

With my check of 735 I bought a tablet phone, and a tablet, with cases so I could set up my phone and tablet with the 90 dollars I put on a prepaid card. I also bought two pairs of jeans and 3 shirts and put the clothes that didn’t fit on the donations table in the living room.

After my first check I wouldn’t be seeing my check for 3 months because when you live in an emergency shelter SSA only pays you for 6 of the 9 months on social security. So for 3 months I didn’t see my check. But I got retro aka back pay of 2300 dollars which 60% of it goes into saving at the shelter with your case manager. I had to get a money order at the post office because it lasts longer then a regular money order. The saving is for when you move into your own apartment or shared or scattered site you have money to buy furniture or things you need for your apartment. And this is what I fear. There’s no request to live in which ever borough you want. Most of the woman are placed in housing in the Bronx sometimes Brooklyn and you have maintain. Meaning go to the DMV and get a new identification. Go to the local snap office where your new housing is and then also find the local social security office and let them know you moved and hand in a copy of your lease.

I’ve been in the shelter for a year. I’m just learning how to get around. I requested Manhattan but most likely I’ll be placed in the Bronx if they can place me because this is where I learned your credit score has a part to play in where you live and placement.

So with the remaining balance of my retro I bought clothes on Amazon and now at least I have clothes that fit and Abdul had bought me some sneakers and a coat from the thrift shop and one of the staff members have me a gap coat that she no longer wanted which is pretty up to date in style but that wasn’t my concern this past winter. My concern is my credit score. Where am I going to end up in a few years.

It’s now June and because of the coronavirus the shelter closed they had us pack our stuff and they buses us to motels. One in the Bronx and one on the upper west side on 106th street and Central park. I’m on center park. I didn’t bring my tablet so when I got payed this month for may and June I decided to by a Mac air 11.6 referbished on Amazon prime because I have an account with them now. So I can stream videos and hbo max so I can watch friends and the fresh prince of bell air.

I went to Harlem and got my box braids taken out and put cornrows in. I’m maintaining the shelter lifestyle. My clothes are sent out to be washed by the staff on Tuesdays and Saturdays, but we could be here for 3-6 months, and guess what? I can’t go to the clinic for my haldol shot. I have my own room and in order for me to keep my sanity I decided to start this blog on word which I’m going to switch over to my laptop and keep myself busy by sharing the experience of being homeless.

Susans place isn’t that bad there’s not a lot of rules to follow it’s just that it’s boring all day long with out gadgets. So I decided to live journal because we have wifi at the shelter but also at the hotel. I am literally 10 blocks away from my old residence and I can’t see them. The only number I remember is my father’s and I dare not call or text. I did enough damage.

Not only did I steal the check from HRA I opened up a pay pal in my mother’s name and used the bank account she let me have and also mine to open up a credit line. I put her in debt and it’s something I feel guilty about everyday. I was buying clothes for my daughter from the children’s place. I know she filled identity theft and this is why she has a restraining order on me. I am literally not at a loss for words I deserve it, but I have to blame my mental health I was hearing voices telling me I could pay it back when I get signed. So I spend my day journaling and letting it be known people with schitophrenia are not ok. It takes alot to deal in general but the cause and effect of your mental health are just that.

I was never ok. I was never normal. I always had to try and keep up with the Jones with out working for my keep. I know now that having a line of credit is nothing more then debt that I have considered suicide. I researched nembutal the suicide pill. I became an organ donor online at the dmv. But I have to save up for the pills and possibly put them aside for when I have the balls to actually commit suicide. I would have to send the money Western Union or cash app because they come from over seas. I’m not even suicidal. But I can’t deal with myself either.

At susans place there’s an activity cordinator who goes out of her way to see that we have yoga and Zumba classes but that doesn’t take away the pain of what I’ve done to my family. And be that I’m off my medication for the next 3 months all I have is my laptop and my phone and no one to call. I hate taking pictures now and I give out my number to random men on tagged to have someone to text until the conversation dies off.

Birthday and Christmas where spent in the shelter. The shelter had Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner. My birthday will never be the same and I can’t even celebrate mother’s day any more. I have no friends and the only people I have to talk to want to meet up and possibly have sex and I gotta weed through the conversations. Abdul is a nice guy but eventually he’s going to want more and I can’t give him more. He’s 48 single and no children. I don’t want to have sex because I have hpv I found out at the clinic after getting a papsmear and I have to go for a biopsy in September to have the cells frozen. I still have my iud in. But my ex boyfriend gave me hpv and I feel disgusting.

So the life of a homeless woman isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I might be able to get a laptop and have a tablet but I still have dreams of becoming published and this isn’t my mental health talking. Not for bad boy records for any body who would take me seriously. But I know I am biting off more then I can chew. This is why I created the blog.

Franklin wasn’t my first time in a shelter. When I was kicked out I went to dyckman center. There’s gaps in my story for a reason. They placed me at win one on 54th Street on the west side. I got kicked out for stealing from someone’s locker. They clipped my locker and she got back the bag I took from her. This is when I still had the four phones I took out for me and Diddy.. I braided my own hair in the lounge area and stared directly into the security camera because I thought Diddy was watching me handle myself. I was there for a week. I had gotten my last direct deposit from SSA and my cell bill was 1400 dollars because I was no longer in the lease they closed my account and this part of my escalating debt. I was back out on the street and this is when I had no money and I admitted myself to the hospital for swollen feet. I was hearing voices and wondering when I was going to have my next meal that I decided to start stealing my food. I got busted in tj Maxx on 96th street for stealing panties, then again at Trump plaza for stealing pants. That the first time I went to the precient they kept me locked up for a few hours. I called my dad and left a message that I had gotten picked up.

My schitophrenia got so bad that I was in time Warner shops mall and I went shopping at h and m and I asked the staff if they could hold my items for me that someone would be coming to pick up and pay for items. I left my dad’s number and my name. I did it again at the TJ Maxx before I got busted and also Desiel. I thought Diddy sent me body gaurds that where around for me that I could go shopping but leave the stuff at the register and someone would be by the pay for the items . I also believed that he had a suite for me at Trump hotel international and I just had to wait till he got off the plane from LA.

This is why it only took 5 months for SSA to approve me for SSI. I said some outlandish things that where documented when I had my last stint in the psych ward. It usually takes 6-9 months for SSA to make a decision on whether or not your approved for SSI. It only took 5 months for them to make a determination. Now I get 781 a month and 60% of that is supposed to go into savings but we are in the motel and I’m not with my usual case manager. But I still have money saved. With everything closed in the city there’s no where to go. Even still I don’t feel like spending money. I spend time reflecting on my life. The many mistakes I’ve made and my pending future plans with housing. The meet fact that I will never see my kids again or my family. I’m alone in this world with a story to tell.

Living on the street.

When I was kicked out of my mother’s apartment, I was living on the street. I had a denim jacket a pair of jeans ugh boots and a t shirt on when the house keys where taken from me. I had my Micheal kors pocket book with my identity in it and also my daughters birth certificate and social security number. I had my original birth certificate and social security number all located in my wallet, along with my marriage license. I had some cash in me, because I had my SSI. Not danting on me that I didn’t have an address I remained on the preaipice that I still had my SSI, not putting two and two together, this was court appointed mandated orders that I be legally evicted from the apartment.

It was the day before I was to get paid from social security, I had my phone and I was on the street. I returned my p.o box key to the store in which I was renting a p.o box for no reason, I chilled in Starbucks until closing. Then went to MacDonald’s to get something to eat. At midnight my Chase Bank got a direct deposit for 2500 dollars from HRA (human resources administration) from child support.

Previous I was going to family court because I was on welfare. I was getting 145 in cash every two weeks and food stamps at 649 a month. My mother was getting rent at 145 a month paid for by welfares hra services.

HRA makes single mothers go to family court to fight for child support. Child support offices down town on crystie street asks for the father’s name and last known address and anything on his identity you can give to locate the father. Which meant Kioko was going to be served papers as well for Aaron. But my daughter’s father, William, was in Pennsylvania and would be served papers work that his daughter was in the system. My son was 20 and working for Uber eats as a courier.

I lost my cash assistance because my son didn’t want to attend orientation for hra. He was another adult on the head of household case and he would have to turn in his W-2 or paystubs to prove he was working after high school. He has already turned in his high school diploma and did the finger imaging for me. But when he learned he had to do orientation which is job placement he got turned off and said he wasn’t going he was working.

So welfare cut my cash off to two dollars and let me keep my snap benefits. I had a second bank account in my mother’s name to put away money. She let me open the account. I called myself trying to start my own business reselling and trying to get into the human hair business. I was going to resell human hair on mecari where I was reselling things like clothes. It was pretty profitable but I couldn’t have more then 2000 dollars in my bank account because of SSI. Social security administration checks bank accounts and if you have more then 2000 in your bank account or have any direct deposits other then SSI they cut you off.

So my cash assistance was cut and the only check coming in was the rent check. So I took it and deposited on my phone because I was holding the account I forged my mother’s name and deposited the check. I told her I got a letter from HRA and the rent check was cut also the only thing I was getting was food stamps.

The cell phone bill was my responsibility. It had me and my mother on the plan but we also had tablets. And I had to have the iPhone 256 gig phone which I called forever gig phone. My friend at the time, the one who has two children and lives in Jersey City had the same phone. I was trying to keep up with the Jones. I was leading the phone and tablets my bill with spring was close to 500 dollars a month. Mind you I was only bringing home 733 a month in SSI. I was accustomed to over withdrawing on my account that I bought my daughter a guinea pig we named Riply and two hamsters Sam and Josh. But it’s the expenses, the cage accessories and food for the pets that I didn’t take into consideration. I just wanted my daughter to have the experiences I didn’t have. I had did the same things for my son not with pets but with video games. I was stealing money from my mother’s bank account and sing her credit cards to buy him video games that when I got an 800 dollar check from empire beauty schools bursar’s office I bought him the PS4.

I still was lax on laundry because I had shipped so much that my daughter has nothing but clothes and my son was financing himself from his job. He was paying his own cell phone bill and maintaining his bike with the help of my father that the 145 I stole went to maintaining the pets I bought my daughter. Mind you I was taking our retail credit like old navy Victoria secrets and others, I ended up with 26 different cards including lane Bryant and Ashley Stewart. I was reselling my clothes because I was purchasing online and if it didn’t fit i would sell it on mecari. There’s times my mother had to pay the sprint account which was in her name. I even had a retail card for furniture I purchased myself a new mattress so I didn’t have to sleep on a futon anymore.

So when I got a direct deposit for 2500 the first thing I did was pull out cash and rent a room at the days inn on 94th street and Broadway. At this time I was bat shit crazy I was out of my mind. I was hearing voices and thought I was the FBI witness protection program and they where using something called glass eye to monitor me. I thought Diddy was my boyfriend and he was watching over over through glass eye and I could hear his voice though music when I played it in my phone. I was having a conversation with myself.

I stayed at the hotel for 3 nights. I went to 125th street the next day and bought Mac makeup, and took a cab down Broadway and bought something to eat. My phone was cut off and I went to sprint and opened an account for myself and Diddy. I had four phones for no reason. They where Android phones and I bought a speaker so I could blue tooth music.

I thought Diddy was my boyfriend I was talking to him through my ear piece, and 50 cent wanted my opinion on what to do with powers 5th season, Eminem was my biggest fan because he was on the lettrs app also and went by the name Henry w which was just a guy that I befriended on the lettrs app who enjoyed my poetry. I thought Diddy was apart of the Illuminati and that he was trying to get me in and 50 cent had a crush on me and I was going to write hit songs for bad boy entertainment.

I had no one to call and I was locked out of my Facebook after completely embarrassing myself I had cut and pasted pictures found on the internet and I used a photo app to make a picture of me and Diddy together with my daughter in the middle like we where a happy family. I was posting that I call Sean John combs “Johnny” and he was my man. Family wasn’t in my page just friends that I grew up with and people I met at empire beauty school.

I fucked up my Instagram which is now closed because I was taking pictures from the internet and tagging celebrities with rumors I made up like Eminem confided in me that he was a transvestite and Rihanana was my best friend that she wanted me to write for her. But I had nothing but pictures of my daughter and myself on regular day activities with no likes on them. Only ten people where following me and each one of them saw my decline in mental health, including Elaine from Jersey city. Who was friends with Nonie who eventually got a brownstone through New York housing connect and moved her children and herself to 135th and Amsterdam ave from a sublet she was renting after leaving the building.

I was in the hotel room alone and I had four phones. I even went to the precent and had the police go with me to my mother’s apartment to get my clothes which where all in the shopping cart on the terrace. She let me in with the cops of course but it didn’t stop her from calling my son at work. Harlow, my pit bull was in her cage. And all that was left in my closet was a pair of torrid sweat pants and my mcm luggage bag that was purchased on mecari. The cops wouldn’t let me go through the dresser draws so I grabbed the two items. Blew a kiss at Harlow and left the apartment.

Harlow I bought from someone selling pitbull puppies on Craigslist for 300 dollars. I got her when she was 2 weeks old. The guinea pig had died and so did the two hamsters. I had gone to dyckman to cut off welfare and I resold my beats head phones to buy Harlow. I think that was the straw the broke the camel’s back for my family. My son was too threw with me and my daughter was acting out in school stealing from kids book bags and bringing the stuff to me. She was in special education and I had gone to social security to apply for SSI for her as well, which she got and I was payee for. But it wasn’t until I was on the phone with Elaine that I had stopped taking my daughter to school. Her two daughters went to charter school and had a week off so I was under the assumption that my daughter had the week off also. So I let her stay home. That’s when an investigation was done on me when I took my daughter back to school. She was missing homework and jcc her after school tutoring and I had missed an appointment with the specialist for special education who granted her an IEP and she was far behind in class work.

So when I was thrown out the cops where supposed to take me to path which is in the Bronx. Path is assessment for the homeless. But when I went back to get my clothes I stayed in the street. I had been in the hotel for three days. But my money ran out quickly. I bought a pair of sneakers and underwear. I had a laundry bag filled with a pair of sweat pants I bought on 125th street and socks. On my third day at the hotel when it was time for me to check out I stayed in street down Trump towers. I had walked down there from 94th street and went 57th and 8th Ave. I threw the sneakers out because I th9uggt through “glass eye” jayz would be collecting my stuff. I thought through all the cameras in the street they where all watching me make my stride towards bad boy like making the band and I had to go through these things in order to get signed at bad boy. That diddys personel would find me and bring me to his office.

I was on the street for three months. Time went by so quickly. I slept on a park bench and the train station. I eventually lost my pocket book with my identity. I was at the library making business wins with my home address attached to it on the computer they let me use for 30 minutes at a time.

I was turnstile underground market on 57th Street sitting on the train station steps or the time Warner shops building or Starbucks until they called the cops on me and asked me to leave because I was only getting the free sample of coffee and no purchasing anything . I even slept in a daune Reade pharmacy waiting area before the store manager closed it down. I was stealing food from Duane Reade I even stole I tablet from rite aid down in the Trump plaza area.

I was able to boost two att prepaid phones and connect to the city’s free WiFi by sitting in a little park outside Trump hotel. But I got arrested in MacDonald’s for loitering and they sent me to Central bookings downtown. I had to plead the fifth and I was let out on my own recongnice and given a metro card by the lawyer and I was sent on my way.

I was able to steal underwear and a pair of denim legging from daune Reade and I was using the bathroom at time Warner shops to change. I couldn’t brush my teeth but I had stolen deodorant and I was able to go with out smelling too bad. I was getting bits to eat at whole foods because they give out the sample cups so you can sample the buffet.

Someone in the train station gave me 200 dollars out of his pocket and told me God bless things will get better, so I bought a Google play card so I could listen to music and a pair of headphones so I could talk to Diddy, and I bought food.

I wasn’t worried about my period because I had an iud birth control in place, which illuminated me from getting my period every month. But I went three months in the street that one early morning I took my suite case that I found in front of TJ Maxx with my blanket and sheet inside, and I was sitting in front of the post office it was closed because it was a holiday. The cops came and called EMS, and they took me to st.lukes Roosevelt hospital. I was admitted and I was there for two months. My father had to come to sign off on paper work and they told me I was not able to go home and I would be taken to Franklin woman’s assessment shelter by cab, paid for by Medicaid. I was so out of it that I was convinced my friends from childhood going had HIV and that she had disappeared. The last thing my father did was give me a hug and he left . I was put on the haldol injection and I was released from the hospital two days later. All I had was a pair denim leggings a pair of boots I stole from a panhandler and a coat I stole as well. From the time I was admitted they had me on haldol. That was the first thing they pumped into my system. I spent my time going to group and sleeping. It still hasn’t dawned on me that I couldn’t go home. This is all now me remembering what had happened. The money that was given to me in the street I was going to the beauty supply store and buying synthetic hair and braiding my own hair in box braids while sitting on a park bench. I spent my time trying to get a cup of coffee from the outside vendors and Starbucks, that I was determined to let Diddy continue sending me messages through glass eye and I spent my time listening to music on treble an app I found.

When I got to Franklin I had to do intake so I could get a bed. Franklin was only assessment for 21days. Then you where transferred to a shelter. I was transferred to susans place 176th and Jerome ave.

Stamps no welfare. I had no clothes, Franklin gave me panties and a too tight bra and used clothes to wear. I had to start all over again.

Something is wrong

I knew there was something wrong with me in high school, when I was home alone I would hear a voice calling my name. I never told any body what I heard I thought the apartment was haunted.

I have always been a introvert, shy and kept to myself, so it was a shock when at 15 years old I turned out pregnant. I was 6 months by the time anybody put it together. You couldn’t tell because I always wore baggy clothes to hide my figure, my mother had taken me to the doctors for what we thought was the flu. I had morning sickness, and the smell of food was nauseating. But no one thought I could be pregnant.

When I came home from a function at my school I had on a skirt and blouse and one of my friends on the cheerleadering squad turned to me and said I looked pregnant, I got highly upset. I came home home and told my mother, “well are you?” I confessed that I didn’t know, and she gave me $40 and told me to buy a pregnancy test. I went to Rite Aid and bought one.

Oprah was on tv and the topic was teen pregnancy. My mother had the day off and when I got home from school she was laying on the couch watching Oprah.

I went to the bathroom and because I was already in my second trimester Peeing was the easiest thing to do. So I opened the pregnancy test box and peed on the stick, with in two minutes two lines popped up revieling that I was indeed pregnant. I screamed, my mother started to cry. I had become a disappointment. I was only in the tenth grade. The school year was ending, I had to miss the last two weeks of school.

When I told Kioko my boyfriend he put his head down and said he would be there for me, and he would have to tell his mother. That was my last day in school. I don’t know what excuse my parents told the board of education to get me out of school for the last two days, but my mother didn’t want anyone in school knowing that I was pregnant.

Shortly after finding out,from a confirmed pregnancy test my father came home. And my mother told him I was pregnant. He got so pissed off. He started telling, ” do you know how much it costs to raise kids” “I can’t afford this” he went on and on about the cost diapers and formula and the insidentals that come along with caring for a new born.

One of the choices was giving up the baby for adoption, or my mother adopting the baby herself. But I didn’t feel right about that. My baby being my little brother or sister. I said I would quit school and get my GED, my parents weren’t having that. I was told I was staying in school to finish my high school career.

The following weeks where packed with doctor appointments. My father never quite looked at me the same.

I had to see the obgyn and my pediatrician. My first obgyn appointment I had a sonogram and a papsmear test. The pediatrician was to make sure I was healthy. I was so scared at the obgyns office. Then I heard the heart beat of the baby growing inside me. I got to find out the sex of the baby and found out I was 26 weeks pregnant which meant I was shy 6 months. I was 5 and half months pregnant.

During that time the family on both sides found out that I was having a baby. We only had a two bedroom apartment so it was decided that my room was going to be shared with a crib and changing table. It was summer time, my mother decided that she and I would take a trip to our favorite place, Terry town in Westchester. We stayed at the Hilton hotel. We went shopping for maternity clothes and stayed in Terry town for a week while my father got some things ready back home.

I was hearing voices but only when I was alone. A voice calling my name.

We got back from Terry town and I had a doctor’s appointment with the obgyn. I was high risk because of when I found out I was pregnant. I went two trimesters with out prenatal care, so I had to have all the tests done with in a few weeks like a glucose test and HIV test. I had to see the doctor every three weeks then every two weeks once I was in my third trimester.

The end of my pregnancy was normal. I still had morning sickness, but Kioko stopped coming to see me. His family had moved from Brooklyn to Staten island. But he stopped contacting me, when my mother called him and told him that I was alone all the time and he should really making his way over to check in me because this was his baby too. Even though my mother didn’t want anyone to know that I was pregnant at school I told my friends Zuehai and Marisol that Kioko and where expecting a baby.

My due date was August 29th 1997. But I didn’t go into labor until the evening of September 4th when my water broke. He was born September 5th 1997. Kioko made it to the birth of his son. My childhood friends from the building all where busy with their lives but came to see me once I brought Aaron home from the hospital.

My life had changed. I was no longer able to go out freely I had a baby. I suffered with post pardum depression . When I gave birth it was the first day of school September 4th. I went back to school the next week.

I was 30 lbs pound heavier and I had all my hair cut off at super cuts because I was experiencing alopecia after having a baby. I was starting the 11th grade and staff and teachers didn’t know I had a baby. My mother said she adopted a baby and was able to get maternity leave with pay from her job at The Dalton school where she was the high school librarian. So while I was in school she was at home with my son for 12 weeks. By the time she went back to work we had a baby sitter in place.

But I wasn’t feeling myself. I was heavier and lactating. kioko had invited me and Aaron to stay in his home for Thanksgiving in Staten island. My dad drove us out to Richmond road. His mother Patricia had Kiokos bedroom made up for me and my infant son. Kioko stayed on the couch. But our relationship was not the same. Kioko was distant and distracted and I spent most of my time caring for Aaron. Kioko took me to the movies to see Titanic at the movie theaters while Patricia stayed with the baby. But by the time Christmas came Kioko and I had called it quits. Kioko had just graduated and was looking for work and had a new little friend who was female, I forget her name and I was interested in Lanell Tate who was on the basketball team in school. He was also in my class and he took interest in me also even knowing that I had just had had a baby.

Life went on but that didn’t stop Kioko from slamming me with papers from family court for visitation of his son. We had a battle in court with a referee instead of a judge and that’s when kioko won visitation but he would have to travel to Manhattan with his mother and my mother was the buffer. I was not allowed to attend visitation.

Visitation didn’t last long Kioko stopped showing up it was only Patricia Kiokos mother who showed up. I was only receiving $25 dollars a month for child support but I was granted full custody of Aaron.

A whole year had flown by and Aaron was turning one year old. With in a year I had been to court 6 times for visitation and made a new boyfriend.

Lanell would come over to see me after school and on the weekends, but we never had sex. He had a fetish he wanted me to rub his his penis with my feet. I did it but I was wondering why he didn’t want to have sex with me. Then I found out he had a problem with the fact that I had a baby. He said my vagina was stretched out. Lanell and I only lasted a year by 12th grade things had fallen apart. I was in the throws of mother hood and also applying for college.

Prom was a nightmare I ended up going with friends. Lanell and I had broken up it was the first week of senior year when he broke it off with me. I was heart broken. He said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I had a baby and by his rival Kioko. I wondered why he even persued me.

I was planning on going to prom with Lanell. But he too grew distant and started playing the disappearing act. And still staff and teachers didn’t know I had a baby. So after school I got on the train all the way from Jamaica estates the q17 bus would drop me off at 179th and Jamaica to the F train. The F train to 47-50 th street and then transfer to the B train.

I went to school all the way in Jamaica estates because I have a learning disability and my mother had me tested by the board of education and found I had dslyxia and discalculia. I had already 4 different schools before getting into The summit school.

At first I was taking a yellow bus to school. I started Summit in the end 7th grade when I transferred from Holy name school of Jesus a Catholic school on west 96th street across the street from where I lived. I had to wear a maroon uniform everyday. My weekend clothes where sweat pants.

There was always something wrong with me, from my academic career to not having many friends in school. I was in introvert. I was always being bullied and made fun of. I was hyper active and the only time I was happy was when I was home. So it was a surprise to everyone when came out pregnant.

I think I was a good mother or so I thought. I tried to find jobs that paid so I could take care of child care or after school programs, wondering how people like Nonie made it after her mother passed away from aids. She was an older woman in my building who was also Aaron’s baby sitter while I attended Mandell school of allied health. She had 4 children in a two bedroom apartment. She ended up working for 1199. I interviewed for a job at 1199 but didn’t make the cut. Nonie had 3 kids that where all around Aaron’s age which made it easier for we to care for him while I was in school.

I don’t know why I choose Mandell. I was looking for something that would pay me back for attending school and learning a trade, not realizing that I actually had to apply myself. Going to school wasn’t for me. But I had to try.

I think the one thing I blame my parents for was not telling me how to be an adult outside of high school. I relied on them for everything. So when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I had to rely on them even more. Not realizing that a debt was a debt.

So as Aaron got older we had a wall put up in the dining room which became his room, because him and I couldn’t share rooms anymore. Not once did I think that I was going to have to move out and get my own place. My mother was looking for bigger apartments that would accommodate myself her and Aaron, we also had pets.

When Aaron was ten my parents divorcd my father had moved out because he couldn’t take that I was a single mother and it drove a wedge between my mother and father. My mother was more on my side then my father. I was the black sheep of the family. I have 3 cousins who are doctors and one cousin who works for att u verse in Jersey.

I could barely hold down a job. And this is why I’m where I’m at today. In a mica shelter. I am deemed an unfit parent, lost custody of my two children to my mother, diagnosed schitoaffective which is bipolar and schitophrenic, I have to find a way to start my life over with out the title mother attached to it.

Living homeless

I live in a woman’s shelter in the Bronx called susans place. I have a story to tell and instead of writing a book I decided to blog my journey, and it’s not a pretty one.

I suffer with schitophrenia, which is how I lost my family. I used to reside in Manhattan on the upper west side of Manhattan in the 90s area near Central park. I, in due respect am a mother of two but lost my rights as mother when I kept getting hospitalized for my mental health. I have seen the inside of a psych ward 25 times in 5 years. I was on zyprexia seeking outside patient psychiatric care and I was on ssi. I had gone back to school for cosmetology and now I’m in debt. I fear for my future .

I lost custody to my children to my mother who now has full custody of my 22 year old son and my 12 year old daughter, when acs served me papers with a restraining order to vacate the premises. See I was in the throes of my disorder, and I wasn’t taking my daughter to school. The board of education called acs on me, and they did an investigation on me.

I was thrown out of the apartment with the clothes on my back. The cops served me papers. But let’s not forget there where other factors to play like domestic violence, my son attacked me.

Now this is an outline of my story, and it’s not a happily ever after fairy tail. I have what’s called schitoaffective disorder. I by law have to stay away from my family. I’m considered a danger to them.

I did alot of things I’m not proud of like identity theft. I opened up credit under my mother’s name to buy school clothes for my daughter. I was receiving just SSI at 733 a month. I opened up almost all retail credit under my name which now I’m in debt for. I was paying the minimum on the cards I was using, but I also ran up a cell phone bill in my mother’s name which she spent 2900 to pay off and disconnect the bill.

I now live in a micha shelter which is for mental health and the disabled. I’m back on medication only this time I am on haldol an injection that I have to take once a month at the psych clinic which is located with in the shelter.

When I got evicted from my mother’s apartment, I lost my SSI because acs went to court to have me evicted from the premises, I can’t even be in the building or any where near my child’s school. This all happened 2017 when my son had turned 20 and my daughter was 10 years old.

Now, after loosing everything I have gotten my SSI back because my address is now that of the shelters and I have a phone with metro pcs, a tablet, and I just recently purchased a refurbished laptop so that I can blog my story or my journey of living in a woman’s shelter and being schitophrenic.

I fear for my future because I am in debt with student loans, I have lost my friends, which now I’m on social media accounts like tagged and hi 5 to meet people and talk to people.

My best friend this far is a 59 year old ex crack head I met at the shelter named Ruby we share the same dorm. She had bipolar disorder. She’s on ssi also, and is awaiting her turn to move into an apartment or shared is what the housing specialist call it.

I fear I will never get a place to live. That I will be bounced from different shelters or something worse. I never thought that my credit score would be apart of the equation when renting. I am already approved for a 2010e which is a voucher for mental health disorders living with DHS.( Department of homeless services.) I have even looked up ways to take my own life like purchasing nembutal which they call the suicide pill. I am greatly unhappy.

This is my introduction. No names given I’m just sharing how hard it is living with schitophrenia and what I’ve lost and gained and possibly willing to try but I am unhappy. I was used to being a mother. I didn’t realize I wasn’t functioning. I even had a job at the world famous dry bar salon and I was unable to perform as a stylist. I got fired.

My son hates the air I breathe and my daughter is probably better off with my mother. But I lost my family. I’m alone in the world. It’s not like I had many friends to begin with just people I grew up with, who are far more advanced then I am, or ever was.

I decided that my blog, will be my journal, and instead of trying to publish a book I will share myself online through a blog, like things I remember with my times in a psych ward, my stint with dating social media bums. And why I no longer have Facebook or Instagram.

Thank you for reading my introduction. Follow me.