My room smells like vomit

I bought a bottle of Tylenol last week and tried to commit suicide. I swallowed half a bottle which made me throw up all over the floor. House keeping cleaned up but now my room at park west hotel smells like vomit.

I spent hours looking up ways to commit suicide, which is how I found out about nembutal and potassium cyanid pills off market shipped from the Ukraine. I even spoke to a sales rep on whatsapp to find out the cost of nembutal.

This isn’t my first time researching something so drastic, like the time I got obsessed with eating disorders. I was following you tube channels on thinspo which is the slang for anorexia. I would have become a bulimic but I hate throwing up.

I have taken chances on laxitives to try and get thin. This was in the past when I first got my SSI and I ballooned up to 325lbs. The zyprexia made me gain so much weight. I spending money on diet pills like Allied and which is the over the counter version of xenical. Xenical is prescription form diet pills.

So when I first got to the motel I had nothing to do so I started looking up ways to kill myself. How can I get to the George Washington bridge so I could throw myself off the bridge. But that wouldn’t work there’s razor wire surrounding the top of the gate separating the bridge from the water. So I stated looking up suicide by pills and nembutal came up. Its a barbiturate which slows down the activity of your brain and nervous system. A sedative to treat insomnia or cause you to fall asleep before surgery. Its also used to treat seizures.

So I thought if I buy a bottle of Tylenol I could die in my sleep. All it did was make me throw up. I afraid to by nembutal because the package may never come it may get stopped at customs. plus the pills are against the law in the United States you need a prescription for them. I was determined to get them. when I found out that I was getting a double payment from SSA I was going to fit the cost and have them mailed to the Shelter. They take payment form of cash app, western union, and PayPal.

I tried with out much success. I don’t want to kill myself. Im not really even suicidal, but I went as far as donating my body to science when I die, and becoming an organ donor online at the dmv. I have no one that cares about me, why not right. If something should happen no one is going to care. No one is getting notified that something happened to me.

I even went so far as to call the suicide prevention hotline, but they had me on hold so I hung up. So I decide to buy a laptop from amazon so I can keep up with my blog, and also write my first novel. I can easily do this on my phone but I need a key board to keep up with the key strokes. I have nothing better else to do with my time while Im at the hotel. I was watching grays anatomy but how much Netflix can one possibly watch. Theres nothin to do all day long, but go outside and smoke cigarettes, buy cups of coffee and watch people walk by. I have my food stamps, I walked to broadway which is 5 blocks away and went to the gourmet deli, bought food, walked back. which isn’t helping how I feel about myself, because Im buying brownies and cupcakes and crab meat salad and stuffing my face with all this food. I just got a deposit of $194 in snap benefits again on the 8th of this month and Th corner store bodegas ebt machine in broken.

Since being here, I went with Racheal a woman in the shelter who’s on my floor at the motel to try and open a bank account. She got her stimulus check in the mail and wanted to open a bank account at TD bank. We went as far as 149th street in the Bronx off the 2 train which is quite a distance from where we are quarantined. The train station is on west 97th street and broad way, we are on 106th street and Central Park. Its like 7 long blocks away. But the banks aren’t open because of coronavirus, and the are only taking clients by appointment. She ended up going to the check cashing place on Amsterdam ave and cashing the check.

But now my room smells like vomit. Its lingering. I don’t know what possessed me to buy a bottle of Tylenol and swallow half a bottle but I was trying to end my life. All I need in this world is to be locked in the psych ward. If I got caught or something went wrong where the staff would have to call the ambulance they would lock me in the psych ward for a few days.

Racheal isn’t on SSI she’s trying to get a job but has yet to go to work force, because the city is locked down for quartine. She has an open ACS case also Her two children live with family. Racheal is a nice girl. But Theres nothing open nothing to do nothing to see, and so I decided to spend my time on the computer. Its keeping me from my thoughts of trying to harm myself again.

I got obsessed with outrageous things that deal with self harm. I remember when I was obsessed with Anorexia I joined secret chat rooms I found online and claimed to have an eating disorder. I became obsessed with trying to get thin, especially with out proper diet or exercise. and trust me I joined the gym when I was getting SSI the first time. I was spending $60 dollars a month at New York sports club to use to the treadmill. At one point I had join the gym on west end ave called Paris health club and spending $100 a month just so I could work out. But I saw no progress so I quit my membership, then a year later joined New York sports club and did the same thing.

I would take laxitives to the point that I sharted myself one day. I was taking water pills to try and pee out the excess water retention. I even went as far as to get the IUD put in. Not because I had a heavy flow but because my gyn said I would loose weight with it.

Im a big boned woman. I now weight 245lbs and wear a size 20, but when I went shopping for new clothes I bought a size 24 jeans. I stand at 5’7.5 and I have pear shape. Im flabby and I have a double gut, meaning a pouch on the bottom of my stomach. My problem has always been food. Im still able to turn heads because I have a pretty face.

But I just want a way to dull the pain of not being able to see my family. If I could turn back the hands of time and do it over with out having mental health issues. Plenty of teen mothers get jobs and start careers. My problem is I never finish any thing. Now I have all the time in the world to jot down some of my ideas and start a novel but I also feel guilt for the things I did. Im a thief. Nothing worse then someone who steals and Im that person, and from my mother. She trusted me and I blew her trust, and my kids are disappointed in me. I couldn’t have failed them in the worst way.

This is why I started researching how to kill myself. But the what ifs. Like what if I got the pills and it doesn’t work, I would be locked up in an asylum. I have enough on my plate.

Now Im stuck in a room that smell like vomit with nothing but stories to share on blog. I have so many stories that I don’t think Ill ever stop blogging.

Starting over…again

I’m almost 40 years old. What I mean by starting over is getting SSI back, a source of income.

When I first got to susans place I was given a bed and a locker. I was transferred to a mica shelter for woman with mental health disabilities and or physical disabilities. There’s 200 woman in the shelter at any given time. They give you 3 meals a day and all there is to do is sit around.

Your given a case manager to help you get housing and also important paperwork like your social security card, state id with the shelters address and your birth certificate, with the help of the van request I was able to get all 3 again. My address is now that of the Bronx NY and I have all my documents. But I had to reapply for social security income. Which meant going to to the local social security office in the Bronx and making an appointment to schedule a phone interview with social security. I didn’t have a phone yet and I couldn’t get an assurance wireless because I had already had one, until someone from the shelter gave me an assurance wireless phone because she had two phone accounts she was paying for. She let me have her Obama phone. But Ms. Smith a cordinator for the van requests took me to social security and let me use her cell phone number for for my scheduled phone interview with SSA, that was for August 11th 2019.

In the meantime I had to go to welfare. Which is 300 canal place by van request. The van takes you there but your given a metro card and you have to take the BX 32 bus back to the shelter by yourself. I had made a friend on tagged. His name is Abdul. I was using the Obama phone to chat with people on tagged. It’s an 8 gig phone that comes with mad bloatwear and only enough room for one app. So I made an email address and switched accounts to SafeLink when the phone number disconnected and was sent a SIM card from SafeLink. Abdul doesnt live that far away from the shelter, I’m close to Yankee stadium and that’s the stop he lives on the 4 train. I didn’t tell him that I lost custody of my parental rights and I was kicked out of my mother’s apartment and I suffer with mental health issues like schitophrenia, I said I lost the apartment when it went coop and I don’t have any kids.

Abdul has been more then generous giving 20 dollars a week when I was on welfare. When I got approved for welfare my cash assistance was 22.50 a week and 194 in snap. Being that I don’t get a period I didn’t have to worry about buying pads, even though they have that at susans place also. Along with razors and soap. We also have showers and towels. There’s laundry facilities there also.

So when I went to HRA , and was given a metro card to take the bus back alone I hauled ass into a cab that had socilicited me and for 15 dollars I took a cab back to the shelter. I knew the address but I didn’t know the stop on the bus.

I saved the cash up and bought a pair of pants on burnsides rainbow shops and I used my snap to but cigarettes and a cup of coffee because there’s a deli across the street from the shelter that takes food stamps for cigarettes. The clothes I was wearing where from the shelters donation closet. I grabbed what I could fit including a pair or high water black begging jeans and some shirts. I was given more under wear and I was given a purple bra by some woman at Franklin who went to a church function where they were giving out donations. Before then I was wearing the to tight bra and when I was on the street I had stolen a sports bra type of bra from daune Reade.

Abdul took me shopping for some clothes at a thrift store across the street from the shelter. I was wearing my hair curly and cropped because when I was living on the street I had stolen a relaxer and a sewing kit with scissors in it. I went to Petco locked myself in the bathroom stall and relaxed my hair and washed it out in the toilet. Mind you I was bat shit crazy I had no reason to do this but I cut off my hair afterward and put a head band on.

The clothes barely fit but I had no choice but to wear tight sweatpants and t shirts. I was able to buy some hair products from the beauty supply store on burnside and in the morning wet my hair and put some products in it.

So when I was approved for welfare I had to go to we care which is a place you have to go to put on record with welfare that you can’t work and they have an assessment team to determine if you disabled or not. Their psychiatric office where my meteators between myself and SSA. They put in the application for ssi. About a week later I got paper work in the mail it was a questionnaire for social security disability, but I was also denied SSD I didn’t have enough work points. The questions where pretty standard like what was my disability, my employment history and my last known address. I filled out what I could and mailed it back.

At Susans place there’s a clinic within the walls of the shelter. The psychiatrist is the one who administers my haldol shot once a month, and that’s why I was transferred to a mica shelter.

With in 5 months I was approved for SSI. That’s wasn’t after having to see social security doctors in phelem Bay where I had to take the 4 train to 125th street and transfer to the 6 train going back uptown to Pelham bay. The office was across the street from the train station.

I opted to have the direct express card with direct deposit from SSA on it. I was mailed my first check which I cashed at the local check cashing place with Ruby my partner in crime as she calls it. I went to metro PCS and got a phone and a tablet and then went to Rite aid and put money on a prepaid green Dot card so I could download the Starz app and watch power . I wasn’t trying to keep up with the Jones anymore I was maintaining bordum.

There’s a living room at the shelter there’s two televisions. One in the dining area and one in the living room which is maintained by security. I now live with DHS. So when ever I go out for a smoke I am subjected to being frisked with a wand and my stuff out through a scanner. I have to go through a metal detector when ever I leave the building. I hide my lighter in my bra like most of the other woman at the shelter, because it doesn’t go off in the medal detector.

With my check of 735 I bought a tablet phone, and a tablet, with cases so I could set up my phone and tablet with the 90 dollars I put on a prepaid card. I also bought two pairs of jeans and 3 shirts and put the clothes that didn’t fit on the donations table in the living room.

After my first check I wouldn’t be seeing my check for 3 months because when you live in an emergency shelter SSA only pays you for 6 of the 9 months on social security. So for 3 months I didn’t see my check. But I got retro aka back pay of 2300 dollars which 60% of it goes into saving at the shelter with your case manager. I had to get a money order at the post office because it lasts longer then a regular money order. The saving is for when you move into your own apartment or shared or scattered site you have money to buy furniture or things you need for your apartment. And this is what I fear. There’s no request to live in which ever borough you want. Most of the woman are placed in housing in the Bronx sometimes Brooklyn and you have maintain. Meaning go to the DMV and get a new identification. Go to the local snap office where your new housing is and then also find the local social security office and let them know you moved and hand in a copy of your lease.

I’ve been in the shelter for a year. I’m just learning how to get around. I requested Manhattan but most likely I’ll be placed in the Bronx if they can place me because this is where I learned your credit score has a part to play in where you live and placement.

So with the remaining balance of my retro I bought clothes on Amazon and rainbowshops.com now at least I have clothes that fit and Abdul had bought me some sneakers and a coat from the thrift shop and one of the staff members have me a gap coat that she no longer wanted which is pretty up to date in style but that wasn’t my concern this past winter. My concern is my credit score. Where am I going to end up in a few years.

It’s now June and because of the coronavirus the shelter closed they had us pack our stuff and they buses us to motels. One in the Bronx and one on the upper west side on 106th street and Central park. I’m on center park. I didn’t bring my tablet so when I got payed this month for may and June I decided to by a Mac air 11.6 referbished on Amazon prime because I have an account with them now. So I can stream videos and hbo max so I can watch friends and the fresh prince of bell air.

I went to Harlem and got my box braids taken out and put cornrows in. I’m maintaining the shelter lifestyle. My clothes are sent out to be washed by the staff on Tuesdays and Saturdays, but we could be here for 3-6 months, and guess what? I can’t go to the clinic for my haldol shot. I have my own room and in order for me to keep my sanity I decided to start this blog on word which I’m going to switch over to my laptop and keep myself busy by sharing the experience of being homeless.

Susans place isn’t that bad there’s not a lot of rules to follow it’s just that it’s boring all day long with out gadgets. So I decided to live journal because we have wifi at the shelter but also at the hotel. I am literally 10 blocks away from my old residence and I can’t see them. The only number I remember is my father’s and I dare not call or text. I did enough damage.

Not only did I steal the check from HRA I opened up a pay pal in my mother’s name and used the bank account she let me have and also mine to open up a credit line. I put her in debt and it’s something I feel guilty about everyday. I was buying clothes for my daughter from the children’s place. I know she filled identity theft and this is why she has a restraining order on me. I am literally not at a loss for words I deserve it, but I have to blame my mental health I was hearing voices telling me I could pay it back when I get signed. So I spend my day journaling and letting it be known people with schitophrenia are not ok. It takes alot to deal in general but the cause and effect of your mental health are just that.

I was never ok. I was never normal. I always had to try and keep up with the Jones with out working for my keep. I know now that having a line of credit is nothing more then debt that I have considered suicide. I researched nembutal the suicide pill. I became an organ donor online at the dmv. But I have to save up for the pills and possibly put them aside for when I have the balls to actually commit suicide. I would have to send the money Western Union or cash app because they come from over seas. I’m not even suicidal. But I can’t deal with myself either.

At susans place there’s an activity cordinator who goes out of her way to see that we have yoga and Zumba classes but that doesn’t take away the pain of what I’ve done to my family. And be that I’m off my medication for the next 3 months all I have is my laptop and my phone and no one to call. I hate taking pictures now and I give out my number to random men on tagged to have someone to text until the conversation dies off.

Birthday and Christmas where spent in the shelter. The shelter had Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner. My birthday will never be the same and I can’t even celebrate mother’s day any more. I have no friends and the only people I have to talk to want to meet up and possibly have sex and I gotta weed through the conversations. Abdul is a nice guy but eventually he’s going to want more and I can’t give him more. He’s 48 single and no children. I don’t want to have sex because I have hpv I found out at the clinic after getting a papsmear and I have to go for a biopsy in September to have the cells frozen. I still have my iud in. But my ex boyfriend gave me hpv and I feel disgusting.

So the life of a homeless woman isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I might be able to get a laptop and have a tablet but I still have dreams of becoming published and this isn’t my mental health talking. Not for bad boy records for any body who would take me seriously. But I know I am biting off more then I can chew. This is why I created the blog.

Franklin wasn’t my first time in a shelter. When I was kicked out I went to dyckman center. There’s gaps in my story for a reason. They placed me at win one on 54th Street on the west side. I got kicked out for stealing from someone’s locker. They clipped my locker and she got back the bag I took from her. This is when I still had the four phones I took out for me and Diddy.. I braided my own hair in the lounge area and stared directly into the security camera because I thought Diddy was watching me handle myself. I was there for a week. I had gotten my last direct deposit from SSA and my cell bill was 1400 dollars because I was no longer in the lease they closed my account and this part of my escalating debt. I was back out on the street and this is when I had no money and I admitted myself to the hospital for swollen feet. I was hearing voices and wondering when I was going to have my next meal that I decided to start stealing my food. I got busted in tj Maxx on 96th street for stealing panties, then again at Trump plaza for stealing pants. That the first time I went to the precient they kept me locked up for a few hours. I called my dad and left a message that I had gotten picked up.

My schitophrenia got so bad that I was in time Warner shops mall and I went shopping at h and m and I asked the staff if they could hold my items for me that someone would be coming to pick up and pay for items. I left my dad’s number and my name. I did it again at the TJ Maxx before I got busted and also Desiel. I thought Diddy sent me body gaurds that where around for me that I could go shopping but leave the stuff at the register and someone would be by the pay for the items . I also believed that he had a suite for me at Trump hotel international and I just had to wait till he got off the plane from LA.

This is why it only took 5 months for SSA to approve me for SSI. I said some outlandish things that where documented when I had my last stint in the psych ward. It usually takes 6-9 months for SSA to make a decision on whether or not your approved for SSI. It only took 5 months for them to make a determination. Now I get 781 a month and 60% of that is supposed to go into savings but we are in the motel and I’m not with my usual case manager. But I still have money saved. With everything closed in the city there’s no where to go. Even still I don’t feel like spending money. I spend time reflecting on my life. The many mistakes I’ve made and my pending future plans with housing. The meet fact that I will never see my kids again or my family. I’m alone in this world with a story to tell.

Something is wrong

I knew there was something wrong with me in high school, when I was home alone I would hear a voice calling my name. I never told any body what I heard I thought the apartment was haunted.

I have always been a introvert, shy and kept to myself, so it was a shock when at 15 years old I turned out pregnant. I was 6 months by the time anybody put it together. You couldn’t tell because I always wore baggy clothes to hide my figure, my mother had taken me to the doctors for what we thought was the flu. I had morning sickness, and the smell of food was nauseating. But no one thought I could be pregnant.

When I came home from a function at my school I had on a skirt and blouse and one of my friends on the cheerleadering squad turned to me and said I looked pregnant, I got highly upset. I came home home and told my mother, “well are you?” I confessed that I didn’t know, and she gave me $40 and told me to buy a pregnancy test. I went to Rite Aid and bought one.

Oprah was on tv and the topic was teen pregnancy. My mother had the day off and when I got home from school she was laying on the couch watching Oprah.

I went to the bathroom and because I was already in my second trimester Peeing was the easiest thing to do. So I opened the pregnancy test box and peed on the stick, with in two minutes two lines popped up revieling that I was indeed pregnant. I screamed, my mother started to cry. I had become a disappointment. I was only in the tenth grade. The school year was ending, I had to miss the last two weeks of school.

When I told Kioko my boyfriend he put his head down and said he would be there for me, and he would have to tell his mother. That was my last day in school. I don’t know what excuse my parents told the board of education to get me out of school for the last two days, but my mother didn’t want anyone in school knowing that I was pregnant.

Shortly after finding out,from a confirmed pregnancy test my father came home. And my mother told him I was pregnant. He got so pissed off. He started telling, ” do you know how much it costs to raise kids” “I can’t afford this” he went on and on about the cost diapers and formula and the insidentals that come along with caring for a new born.

One of the choices was giving up the baby for adoption, or my mother adopting the baby herself. But I didn’t feel right about that. My baby being my little brother or sister. I said I would quit school and get my GED, my parents weren’t having that. I was told I was staying in school to finish my high school career.

The following weeks where packed with doctor appointments. My father never quite looked at me the same.

I had to see the obgyn and my pediatrician. My first obgyn appointment I had a sonogram and a papsmear test. The pediatrician was to make sure I was healthy. I was so scared at the obgyns office. Then I heard the heart beat of the baby growing inside me. I got to find out the sex of the baby and found out I was 26 weeks pregnant which meant I was shy 6 months. I was 5 and half months pregnant.

During that time the family on both sides found out that I was having a baby. We only had a two bedroom apartment so it was decided that my room was going to be shared with a crib and changing table. It was summer time, my mother decided that she and I would take a trip to our favorite place, Terry town in Westchester. We stayed at the Hilton hotel. We went shopping for maternity clothes and stayed in Terry town for a week while my father got some things ready back home.

I was hearing voices but only when I was alone. A voice calling my name.

We got back from Terry town and I had a doctor’s appointment with the obgyn. I was high risk because of when I found out I was pregnant. I went two trimesters with out prenatal care, so I had to have all the tests done with in a few weeks like a glucose test and HIV test. I had to see the doctor every three weeks then every two weeks once I was in my third trimester.

The end of my pregnancy was normal. I still had morning sickness, but Kioko stopped coming to see me. His family had moved from Brooklyn to Staten island. But he stopped contacting me, when my mother called him and told him that I was alone all the time and he should really making his way over to check in me because this was his baby too. Even though my mother didn’t want anyone to know that I was pregnant at school I told my friends Zuehai and Marisol that Kioko and where expecting a baby.

My due date was August 29th 1997. But I didn’t go into labor until the evening of September 4th when my water broke. He was born September 5th 1997. Kioko made it to the birth of his son. My childhood friends from the building all where busy with their lives but came to see me once I brought Aaron home from the hospital.

My life had changed. I was no longer able to go out freely I had a baby. I suffered with post pardum depression . When I gave birth it was the first day of school September 4th. I went back to school the next week.

I was 30 lbs pound heavier and I had all my hair cut off at super cuts because I was experiencing alopecia after having a baby. I was starting the 11th grade and staff and teachers didn’t know I had a baby. My mother said she adopted a baby and was able to get maternity leave with pay from her job at The Dalton school where she was the high school librarian. So while I was in school she was at home with my son for 12 weeks. By the time she went back to work we had a baby sitter in place.

But I wasn’t feeling myself. I was heavier and lactating. kioko had invited me and Aaron to stay in his home for Thanksgiving in Staten island. My dad drove us out to Richmond road. His mother Patricia had Kiokos bedroom made up for me and my infant son. Kioko stayed on the couch. But our relationship was not the same. Kioko was distant and distracted and I spent most of my time caring for Aaron. Kioko took me to the movies to see Titanic at the movie theaters while Patricia stayed with the baby. But by the time Christmas came Kioko and I had called it quits. Kioko had just graduated and was looking for work and had a new little friend who was female, I forget her name and I was interested in Lanell Tate who was on the basketball team in school. He was also in my class and he took interest in me also even knowing that I had just had had a baby.

Life went on but that didn’t stop Kioko from slamming me with papers from family court for visitation of his son. We had a battle in court with a referee instead of a judge and that’s when kioko won visitation but he would have to travel to Manhattan with his mother and my mother was the buffer. I was not allowed to attend visitation.

Visitation didn’t last long Kioko stopped showing up it was only Patricia Kiokos mother who showed up. I was only receiving $25 dollars a month for child support but I was granted full custody of Aaron.

A whole year had flown by and Aaron was turning one year old. With in a year I had been to court 6 times for visitation and made a new boyfriend.

Lanell would come over to see me after school and on the weekends, but we never had sex. He had a fetish he wanted me to rub his his penis with my feet. I did it but I was wondering why he didn’t want to have sex with me. Then I found out he had a problem with the fact that I had a baby. He said my vagina was stretched out. Lanell and I only lasted a year by 12th grade things had fallen apart. I was in the throws of mother hood and also applying for college.

Prom was a nightmare I ended up going with friends. Lanell and I had broken up it was the first week of senior year when he broke it off with me. I was heart broken. He said he couldn’t deal with the fact that I had a baby and by his rival Kioko. I wondered why he even persued me.

I was planning on going to prom with Lanell. But he too grew distant and started playing the disappearing act. And still staff and teachers didn’t know I had a baby. So after school I got on the train all the way from Jamaica estates the q17 bus would drop me off at 179th and Jamaica to the F train. The F train to 47-50 th street and then transfer to the B train.

I went to school all the way in Jamaica estates because I have a learning disability and my mother had me tested by the board of education and found I had dslyxia and discalculia. I had already 4 different schools before getting into The summit school.

At first I was taking a yellow bus to school. I started Summit in the end 7th grade when I transferred from Holy name school of Jesus a Catholic school on west 96th street across the street from where I lived. I had to wear a maroon uniform everyday. My weekend clothes where sweat pants.

There was always something wrong with me, from my academic career to not having many friends in school. I was in introvert. I was always being bullied and made fun of. I was hyper active and the only time I was happy was when I was home. So it was a surprise to everyone when came out pregnant.

I think I was a good mother or so I thought. I tried to find jobs that paid so I could take care of child care or after school programs, wondering how people like Nonie made it after her mother passed away from aids. She was an older woman in my building who was also Aaron’s baby sitter while I attended Mandell school of allied health. She had 4 children in a two bedroom apartment. She ended up working for 1199. I interviewed for a job at 1199 but didn’t make the cut. Nonie had 3 kids that where all around Aaron’s age which made it easier for we to care for him while I was in school.

I don’t know why I choose Mandell. I was looking for something that would pay me back for attending school and learning a trade, not realizing that I actually had to apply myself. Going to school wasn’t for me. But I had to try.

I think the one thing I blame my parents for was not telling me how to be an adult outside of high school. I relied on them for everything. So when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder I had to rely on them even more. Not realizing that a debt was a debt.

So as Aaron got older we had a wall put up in the dining room which became his room, because him and I couldn’t share rooms anymore. Not once did I think that I was going to have to move out and get my own place. My mother was looking for bigger apartments that would accommodate myself her and Aaron, we also had pets.

When Aaron was ten my parents divorcd my father had moved out because he couldn’t take that I was a single mother and it drove a wedge between my mother and father. My mother was more on my side then my father. I was the black sheep of the family. I have 3 cousins who are doctors and one cousin who works for att u verse in Jersey.

I could barely hold down a job. And this is why I’m where I’m at today. In a mica shelter. I am deemed an unfit parent, lost custody of my two children to my mother, diagnosed schitoaffective which is bipolar and schitophrenic, I have to find a way to start my life over with out the title mother attached to it.

To scratch the surface

I remember when I was living with my mother, I was filling out section 8 applications outside new York city because section 8 is closed in the tri-state area. I so badly wanted my own space.

I was going to use my little income and live in public housing, mind you I can’t navigate Manhattan I was going to move to Cohoes New York with my daughter. These are the things that worry me about my future.

I live in the south Bronx now and I can barely make it around. I don’t know up from down. Where I was living was easy, I had all buses and trains flowing on either end of my residence and it was the upper west side.

I had 733 a month which I was used to blowing on clothes and my cell phone bill. With out landish ideas of turning my poetry into songs for the wildly famous Bad Boy entertainment. I grew a small infatuation with Diddy aka Sean John Combs and thought if I applied myself I could be a writer for Combs enterprises.

I spent my money and I was broke by the second week of pay day which is on the first of every month from social security administration. I didn’t worry about laundry which I had to pay for and I had my food stamps aka snap in place for a budget of 3 people which included myself and my two children. My mother wasn’t charging my rent for the master bedroom I shared with my daughter. I don’t know how I got by. I smoke cigarettes, but so did my mother. I would bum cigarettes off her when I didn’t have any more, but I felt that I was doing the right thing by having snap I was putting food on the table. But I was also trying to keep up with the Jones.

A childhood friend of mine manage with her mental health diagnosed schitoaffective she married and had two children. Moved to north Carolina and then settled in Jersey City. She has a tiny two bedroom apartment, only difference is that she was getting SSD, social security disability, and child support, and with SSD your children get a check also. She was getting 800 per child for child support, mean while I was going to family court to try and get child support for my son from his father, and from my daughter’s father whom I’m still married to.

I had my son when I was 16 years old. My first high school boyfriend was his father. My parents picked up the tab on financials like diapers and formula, clothes and child care so I could finish high school.

I landed my first job at Barnes and nobles bookstore with another childhood friend of mine. While she was getting paid 350 dollars a week working the children’s department, I was in the history department on the weekends making 101 dollars a week. I took the job so I could get experience working, but soon quit the job when I landed a job with Godiva chocolates.

I couldn’t work the hours needed at Barnes and nobles for the children’s department because it was full time, and my mother worked full time so did my step father. They where paying a puruvian woman to care for my son inside our apartment and the hours requested from Barnes and nobles was the evening shift 3:30 on to closing. My shift on the weekends was 8 am to 4 pm.

I never really finished college. I got accepted to Buffalo state University F.I.T for merchandising and LaGuardia community college I ended up going to LaGuardia community college which is located in long island city. My best friend at the time, the one who worked at Barnes and nobles with me transferred from BMCC to LaGuardia just so I wouldn’t be alone. She was majoring in hospitality, I was majoring in liberal arts.

I had to start my day early during the week because the baby sitter was there in the morning at 7:30 am. My first class was at 8:45 am. My dad had me on a grant that paid for college from his job at Cornell University, but it didn’t cover books. I was taking math , English and critical thinking. My friend was taking English, sociology and calculus.

College didn’t last too long because I flunked out my first semester. I never gravitated towards the college experience. My friend decided to give up college and continue her JOBS waitressing and Barnes and nobles.

My job at Godiva chocolates was fantastic but I still found a way to quit. By then my son was already getting ready to go Pre-K and so I was a stay at home parent. I hadn’t applied for welfare yet until my son’s father hit me with court paper for visitation of his son. I never denied him the right to see his son but I did tell him that he couldn’t see him until he started paying child support.

We had to go to court, my father got me a lawyer to fight for child support and he got his visitation but I couldn’t be around. It had to be my mother and his mother with him and visitation was once a month. Child support was 25 dollars.

While I was going through this I was getting an allowance from my mother and she told me I should try school again, so I applied for beauty school. It was on 34th Street, in the heart of Manhattan. LIBS. My mother paid out of pocket because she made too much income for me to get financial aid. I was still a minor at 20 years old, and she was head of household.

I met a Japanese girl named Seiko who was staying in an SRO (single room occupancy) on a visa to attend beauty school. She was 21.

I wasn’t really that good in hairstyling but I tried my hardest to Excell because when I was a little girl all I wanted to be was a beautician.

I got my temporary license but never got my license because you needed a live person for the state exam. I couldn’t find someone who would let me cut their hair in a 30 degree hair cut,so I never made it farther then working for Supercuts as the receptionist. I wasn’t making good money their either I was working 3 days a week and making 125 dollars very two weeks at 7.25 an hour.

By then my son was in school and so during the week when I wasn’t at work I was trying to keep up with my childhood friends who worked and maintained themselves.

I did everything first, lost my virginity first got pregnant first and started smoking weed first. I was the bad apple out of the bunch. So during the week when I wasn’t at work I was at home on my desk top writing poetry and trying to find ways online to get my poetry noticed and smoking weed, and that’s when I found blackplant.com and what used to be migente.com it was the day of social media. Myspace wasn’t that popular yet, but I was on both black plant and migente and so where my childhood friends.

The reason why My sons father and I where no longer together was because he cheated on me with another girl and I found out about it and confronted him about it. But by the time my son was born, our relationship was over already. He couldn’t take me being pregnant and stopped coming to see me.

He was there for the birth of his son. And these are some of the pictures that are left behind in a photo album someplace in the apartment that I used to share with my mother.

And so when I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, my mother forced me to get married or she was going to kick me out because no only did I put up an argument for him to stay with us before I got pregnant I had no money and nowhere to go. Was I hearing voices? No I wasn’t, but I was exibiting signs of depression and bipolar disorder, with what my father called self medicating with the weed. I hadn’t hit my low point yet.

“Take your baby and move into a shelter” but Aaron (my son) is staying with me. This was when William, my boyfriend turned hisband, at the time moved in and then moved back to Pennsylvania because he lost his job. Then he moved in with us when I found out I was pregnant. My mother forced the issue and gave me the bottom line. But before the pregnancy, and before he moved in, I had enrolled at Mandell school of allied health on 59th street , for medical assistant.

I met Monroe who soon became my boyfriend and I was doing poorly in the classes and couldn’t keep up with the course work. Monroe was a student at Mandell also and he was a veteran, slightly older then me he was also married an ex coke head living in a men’s shelter on 28 the street.

I got pregnant and quickly had an abortion which Medicaid paid for. Because by the time I finished the program I was the other woman in his still on going relationship with his wife. Monroe was still married but separated but that didn’t stop him for going to visit his wife on weekends.

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I got married. My husband was working for New York sports club right down the block on Broadway, and I was pregnant at home doing laundry and cooking dinner, but we barely had enough money to get me maternity clothes, and his dream of being a personal trainer/dj to techno music would be on hold because he was only brining in 350 dollars every two weeks. Was getting snap and cash assistance from welfare but the cash assistance was only 64 dollars every two weeks and my husband smoked weed also. It didn’t dawn on me that the bills where getting paid by my mother like electricity and cable TV.

I put my school debt on deferment and it bought me some time. By the time my daughter was three I was hospitalized in the psych ward at st.lukes hospital on 114th and Amsterdam ave.

I could go into depth but I was diagnosed bipolar and put on medication. I was in the hospital for two weeks. After which I was in outpatient psychiatric treatment. I had to see a therapist and a psychologist.

I now think about it how would I maintained in Cohoes New york? I only know Manhattan. And now that I have to live in the south Bronx off the 4 train I am learning to travel around on my own away from Manhattan. I would have lost my daughter to the foster care system in a short time. I have to say that my kids are better off with my parents but I’m not ok, because when I was kicked out with nothing but the clothes on my back, I never went to path, which is intake for the homeless. I stayed on the street . I was with out a roof over my head for nearly 3 months.

I first stayed in a hotel called the days inn on west 94th street. I had gotten a deposit of 2500 from child support form my daughter’s father, my husband who was in Pennsylvania. He had abandoned me when my daughter was 6 weeks old. My mother picked up the tab for diapers and clothes where hand me downs from other moms in the building and eventually my mother picked up the tab on everything except child care. By the time my daughter was 6 I was on ssi. But before that I was on an allowance of 100 a month from my mother. I had my snap in place.

Ssi isn’t good money. It’s a payment once a month for people who cannot work due to mental health or some form of disability. I never had that much money to begin with so when I was awarded I had a case manager already because I had already been in the hospital 3 times. I had to go to court to get approved. I applied and was turned down so I had to appeal which took a year. So for a year I was on medication that made me gain weight and I was an at home parent. My son was in Junior high and my daughter was barely out of diapers.

By the time she started school I was in debt with student loans. My mother was paying it off for me but I deferred again and went back to school for cosmetology, empire beauty school. I was determined to set the record straight and live a normal life. I was using my little bit of money to pay for after school for my daughter while I was in school again.

By the time I graduated empire beauty school I was in debt and I was able to get my license. This time around the state was using mannequins for the practical. Shortly after getting my license, I started working for the dry bar salon upper west side location on 72nd street and Broadway.

After much training I got an email from the manager saying I wasn’t good enough for dry bar and I had bad comments from customers reviews, And I needed to go back to training like back to school training. So I resigned my position. I was only getting paid 9 dollars an hour and I was part time.

I had my SSI to fall back on. So when acs had me thrown out of the apartment I lost my SSI because I didn’t have an address anymore. All the credit cards I have out are now in default and my student loans are also. I have no way of paying them back. I was receiving student loan forgiveness which meant because I was a recipient of SSI I didn’t have to pay back my student loans. I lost that as well.

When I was out on the street living in Central park and stealing food from Duane Reade people where literally handing me money. But I did get into some trouble landing me in Central bookings. I was locked up for 24 hours for shop lifting and let out on my own recognitence.

I was sitting across the street from the time Warner shops in Trump plaza when the cops stopped me and called EMS. They took me to the hospital where I was admitted to the psych ward. I was in the psych ward for two months . The person they called was my father and he had to come to the hospital so I could get discharged only I wasn’t going home. I was going to Franklin woman’s a