Living schitzoaffective

My relationships where not that great. Most based on sex I never really had a relationship. My new little friend, Abdul is great but I don’t want a relationship and he’s looking to settle down. He doesn’t know much about me either. He doesn’t know my diagnosis and he doesn’t know I was previously a mother of two.

There’s no way for me to be honest and tell men I lost custody of my children to my mother and I was evicted from the apartment in where I lived because of mental health issues. So I don’t bring it up. I just say I’m single with no children, but now I’m running into men who want to settle down and have children. I can’t have any more children because of my mental health. Acs would get involved and take the child away. Plus I’m stuck on missing my two children every day.

This is punishment for being schitophrenic. Having mental health issues is the worst because the world views you in a different way. It’s not like I did things the right way I was a thrief. I tried to get over on my mother so many times that I’m also in debt with Avon at a sum of 500 dollars. I thought I could sell the products online on eBay or mecari so I bought a bunch of products and it went to waste. I ended up using the products.

I’ve been with 29 men since my last relationship which was two years ago. I’ve had one night stands and relationships based on sex. I was always the one paying for a good time out. I met most of all my encounters online because I’m a recluse I don’t go out to meet men like at bars or anything like that. I barely had girlfriends to socialize with.

When I started Empire beauty school I really thought I was going to make some impact in my life and make friendships that lasted. I was doing something that I loved to do which was hair, even though I wasn’t good at it. I felt like I was only learning to do hairstyling so I could do my own hair and my daughter’s. I passed the classes and the practical but getting a job in the field was difficult. And working around seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, I got a note from my internist and gave it to my psychologist and signed out of intensive psychiatric treatment. I don’t remember what the letter said but my psychologist said he would need permission from my internist to sign me out of treatment. So I did it. I had been going to treatment for 5 years and was sick of it, I wanted a normal life.

This is as normal as it gets when you’ve been living a lie. This blog is my last ditch effort into sharing myself on social media truthfully and and be honest with myself. I’m not a good person. I met men online because I lack social skills. And found it normal to develop relationships with men from dating apps. All 29 have been from social media. Not one paid attention to me the way a man should and I have had some good times but I now crave attention and the only way I can get that attention is from dating apps like tagged and plenty of fish but what I’m looking for is a pen pal. Just someone to text and talk to about anything to take my mind off my worries. This is my task being on dating apps.

I have nothing to offer. But I feel bad for Abdul because he really likes me. I’m not not attractive I turn heads. Like there’s another gentlemen named Mike who’s a chef I met on hi five. He’s 60 years old though. He took me to my appointment to see the social security doctors in Pelham bay. He met me at 6 am in front of the shelter to take me to the appointment which was at 8 am. He lives in the Bronx and is a veteran. He now lives off the 6 train on elder avenue. But he’s not boyfriend material. He told me so. But he wants me to come to his room he’s renting so we could have sex. I declined. We kissed but I feel guilty moving on with my life with out my kids involved. Plus I don’t want a boyfriend. I’m not girlfriend material.

Being in a relationship and being schitophrenic is daunting. I never know when I’m going have a mini episode even being on medication.

My last relationship was with a guy named Will. He was a veteran and a single father of three children. He lived in a family shelter in Newark new Jersey waiting for his section 8 to pick up so he could provide housing for himself and three children. He was still married to his childrens mother who had two other children with two other men. His situation was complicated.

I went into debt with that relationship also buying him a iPad mini from Fingerhut I had a 800 credit line. I bought the iPad for his birthday. Add express clothes to the debt I had a 300 dollar credit card for I bought him clothes.

I never got a chance to pay off my debts. Now that I’m alone and I have my SSI to myself I have more money then when I was living with my mother because I was over withdrawing from my Chase account to pay the cell phone bill and the cards I was maintaining . I’m in debt with Macy’s as well. I bought my son clothes and never paid the bill. I’m also in debt with PayPal for a 300 dollar credit line. And I wonder how I’m going to find any guy to approve of me. I have nothing to talk about because I live in a shelter and all I have is my blog where I tell the truth about my life. I don’t want another man in my life for a relationship. That’s why I have never been to Abdul’s apartment. He’s invited me to his apartment. A walk up by Yankee stadium. But I think if I go over there he will initiate sex with me. So I haven’t gone.

I’ve been date raped (unreported). Twice. I have a ticket in my name with the DMV for not wearing a seat belt which I’m in debt with so I can’t get a driver’s permit just a state id.

I’ve been pregnant a total of 5 times having 3 abortions. Living like I’m a recluse is the only thing I have. My life is a mess. That I’m getting sucidal tendencies researching how to end my life. I’m better off dead but I don’t have the balls to do it.

I was thinking of buying nembutal or potassium cynide pills off market and saving them for a rainy day. Nembutal is the painless way of taking my life. I have no one to live for. I won’t be missed by anyone I literally have to build friends from scratch and not honestly.

I can never really tell anyone that I am schitoaffective they will shy away from me. I just tell the people I chat with when I’m asked about my family life that I don’t have any family my mother and father passed away and I don’t have aunts or uncles. My grandparents are deceased but I stole cash from them also hidden in the dinning room beauro so I could buy a phone and keep up with Elaine’s purchases.

This is the life of a schitoaffective homeless person. The trials and tribulations of living with the fact I stole from family to keep myself afloat. I even got out of going to jury duty. My first time I had an excuse the second time I was pregnant with my daughter which was my excuse and I was never called back.

All the the things I fear are sitting staring at me in my face like jury duty in the bronx. My living situation. My credit score and my debt with student loans, that every night I pray I don’t wake up the next day.

There’s nothing to smile about any more. I have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done, and know my family is better off with out me.