The holidays…

The Christmas holiday is the hardest time for me as of right now. My daughter’s birthday is December 21st, she will be 13 years old and I’m not there to share the time with her.

I always called her my Christmas miracle as my intended due date was Christmas but I had a planned c section for the 21st. By December 24th I had brought her home spending Christmas Eve with my two kids. She was home for Christmas.

She was the most perfect baby. She never cried or gave me any problems. By month 4 she was sleeping through the night.

Now it’s a week shy of my daughters birthday, and I cannot celebrate it with her. I wonder what the family is going to do to celebrate her 13th birthday.

Traditionally my step father would always come over with a prepared meal to celebrate birthdays and he would bring a cake. I wonder if they are going to do that this year.

Last year I bought a brownie and celebrated my daughter’s birthday alone at a cafteria table.

Last year for Christmas I laid in my bed until the raffle started in the cafeteria. The shelter had gifts for everyone who participated. I won socks and cotext. But I couldn’t help but wonder how my kids where celebrating.

I wonder if they have the tree up in the apartment, and decorations. I wonder what they want for Christmas.

This Christmas I’m just going to stay in bed all day. There’s nothing else to do. All I can do is imagine what Christmas is like for my children and hope that they get everything they deserve and want.

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