I confided in my pychatrist…

Today I confided in my pychatrist that I’m scared about my future financially. She let me know that I’m in an environment that deals with the ssa office and not to worry that my benefits won’t get cut off.

I’m in a stable environment that deals with the beaurcrasy for me. Even with my student loans they can’t take it from me because I’m recieving SSI. I let her know I put in for student forgiveness program. She said if I’m approved after 5 years the loan debt is wiped clean.

I still feel bad about it though and my credit score has suffered emencly. But I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.

I also told her that I’m getting obsessed with anorexia again. She asked me if I have tried to be anorexic in the past. I told her yes but I didn’t get anywhere with it. So we came up with a diet that with excerise I will loose some weight. Apparently I’m not eating the right things and need to add more fruit and vegetables into my diet.

Then we talked about my sleeping habits. I’m finding myself going to bed at 6pm. She said she thinks I’m suffering with depression and in the next couple of weeks she may increase the Zoloft from 100 milligrams. She wants to give the increase she already gave me to catch up in my system and see if I adjust to the 100 milligrams.

My consintration is all off as well, I’m not able to read my e-book with out having to stop after a page. Which is why she may increase the Zoloft as well.

I like this psychiatrist she seems to be on the goal with my treatment plan. Dr. Gonzalez from susans place didn’t talk to me. He just basically checked to see if I was hearing voices and the meeting was just ten minutes. He was concerned with my tooth grinding, if there was some underlying problem. But never suggested any kind of treatment for it. I went to the dentist at the clinic and they didn’t give me a bite plate to stop me from grinding.

My psychiatrist now is a little bit more personable. She’s inviting and warm, she makes me want to talk to her.

We also talk about my family and if in the future my step father may advacate for me so I can get the chance to see my children. But I would have to go to court to get visitation privileges. It’s something to consider, I may end up with supervised visitation at the court house. Which is what I don’t want to put my daughter through. But everything is up in the air with visiting or even talking to my mother again because there’s a order of protection in place.

I think with in time once I’m doing better with treatment I may ask my step father to talk to my mother for me and see what she has to say about me contacting her. The psychiatrist said to give it six months to prove I’m doing better in treatment.

I’m eger to speak to my mother and and apologize for the fight we had, and I’m sorry for leaving her the responsibility of caring for my children. I feel like I failed everyone. I just want to apologise to her. I know this isnt what she expected when she retired to take care of my two children, although my son is 23 years old and is working. The bulk of the responsibility is taking care of my youngest who is just going to be 13 in December. My mother will be 75 in February.

I wish I didn’t have this problems. I saw myself with a really great job being a cosmetologist. I literally went back to school for no reason. I am not able to renew my license. Even if I wanted to work I would be starting from the beginning with everything.

I miss everything about my old life. I miss cooking for my family. I miss the way my son would come into the kitchen and sample dinner. I miss cuddling with my daughter.

If only I would have stayed on my treatment plan, but the medication wasn’t working. I most likey would have ended up in the same place, in a shelter hoping for placement.

I’m thankful that the housing specialist introduced me to saint Francis. But I am so lonely. The only thing I look forward to is going to bed.

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