It’s officially been a week since moving from the shelter/hotel. I have gotten adjusted to not being disturbed.
I was able to get my television mounted on my wall, and I got cable. I called the order through, and picked up my installation kit at the nearby spectrum cable.
I thought I installed the cable wrong and when I called to have some assistance o was told that the company had to send a activation signal to my unit. Now all is good.
I ended up getting basic cable, no premium channels which is good enough for me.
I still feel a certain way about living on my own. I feel so much guilt for living without my children. I guess it is just something that I’m going to have to deal with, but I don’t know how to get over it.
My days are pretty much the same, and I’m filled with excess energy, like I’m almost expecting to be readily available to tend to my family, but I can’t.
Having a tv is taking my mind off these feelings as today is the first day I have had cable. I find myself going outside for a breath of fresh air and a walk around the neighborhood.
I am so lonely, it’s palpable. I wish I could turn back the hands of time, or wish my mental illness away.
It’s a lonely life. No matter how hard I’ve tried to make some kind of social life happen for me, I find myself to be a recluse.
There really isn’t anyone to talk to where I live now. The only thing I have in common with these people is that we all suffer from mental illness, either schitoeffective or schitophenia. It doesn’t help that I am the youngest one in the building. Everyone is nice enough to say good morning or hello, but there is no one to stop and chat with.
It was pretty much like that at the shelter, the Spanish woman cliqued together, out of the pure blue I sparked up a friendship with Ruby, but she was hardly around because in the morning she would travel to crown heights Brooklyn on the 4 train to go to her program for mental illness and drug recovery.
I would spend much of the day alone going from the cafeteria after lunch and waiting an hour to go into the living room, basically waiting for Ruby to come back from her program at around 3:30-4pm.
I find my days still filled with nothingness only now I’m completely alone dwelling in it. There’s no one to call and have a conversation with, no kids around… I’m just here in my unit trying to kill bordem.
I’m actually looking forward to having my first psychiatrist appointment next week on Tuesday. I feel like I need to talk something’s out and try to get over the loss of not being around family. I’m going to bring up possibly joining Nami, and see what she has to say about it.
Besides the regular angest, I’m holding up. I have a couple of books on my tablet I’m going to start reading to kill time between watching TV and going outside.
My opinion about my living situation is that I’m greatful to be in supportive housing. There aren’t that many rules to adhere to, just the regular, no violence towards other tenants. Take my medication between 10:30-11:45am, and collect my money for the day.
The lounge is open from 8am to 12pm. It reopens at 3pm. But today being that it’s Friday they are playing a movie at 1:30pm. I might go and watch it just to get out of my apartment.
I miss hanging out with Ruby though. I miss her stories, and her general company. Hopefully she will get things together and we will be able to stay in contact and hopefully be able to see each other.
I miss my old life, and my old friends, which were not alot but I miss them.