When I’m settled…

I’m going to leave my unit in the middle of night just to do it.

It’s been so long since I’ve been able to come and go as I please… I never really had that real opportunity because I had a child at 16. Before then I basically had to ask permission to leave after a certain time of night, then I had a baby, and I was confined to being a mother.

I never really had total freedom, so this is going to be a total change. I won’t have to arrange with my mother for her to watch my daughter, to go out if I need or want…

I won’t have to answer to anyone or have a curfew which isn’t a big deal for me personally while living in the shelter… I’m so used to being home by ten pm anyway that coming and going after hours is just something that I want to do.

Im also going to try just being in my underwear in my own space. Before, I had to be dressed because I shared space with other people… And being in the shelter you really can’t just be free with yourself. You pretty much have to get dressed in the bathroom or wear a robe from the bathrooms to the dorm… Put your lotion on and whatever else and put your clothes on. Who wants to sit around in their underwear in a shelter? You would be surprised how some woman actually don’t give a fuck and walked around the dorm naked from coming from a night shower.

I want to take a shower in the middle of night because I’ll have the freedom to do so. I really never had a problem getting a shower in the shelter but there nothing like a private bathroom to do it.

The stalls are cleaned every two hours in the shelter but the rust on the drain and the shower curtains make you feel dirty still. The shower always starts out cold and then you have to adjust the temperature to warm once the water gets going. I want to shower with with a two knob spout. I swear I miss that.

The problem with the my hotel room is that the shower head doesn’t work so I’m resorted to taking a bath basically squatting in the bathtub and using my wash cloth to pour water on myself. Since taking out my cornrows I haven’t been able to wash and condition my hair. I now have human hair wigs that I was able to buy on Amazon to cut the cost of getting my hair braided. I’m clean but I feel grimmy. I can’t wait to scrub my body from head to toe and wash my hair.

I just want to except my new surroundings and try to enjoy as best as I can living on my own.

I can’t wait to eat when I want and not be scheduled. The residency does serve breakfast and lunch… Which is minimal cost, but I don’t have to eat it. Theres not going to be a problem now bringing in outside food and trying to find a place to sit and eat in the cafeteria. I have my own snack tray table that comes with my space along with a dresser and a night stand.

Im going to have the freedom to eat in the middle of the night, or not force myself to sleep because I have to be up and out before 9am.

These little things I miss regardless of my past living arrangements. I just want to be able to not have to hustle my way out.

The one thing that sucks about the shelter life is that if your not feeling well you can’t stay in your bed unless it’s the weekend.

Last winter I came down with a bad cold and it was early in the week. I had to tough out my sickness and just deal. I was so sick I fell asleep on a table in the cafeteria. Unfortunately there is no sleeping in the living room. Only sometimes you can get away with a little shut eye depending on what guard is maintaining the area, but it’s a rule that they try to enforce.

I really had a hard time while I was suffering with a cold.

I am definitely anticipating moving day. The switch to the hotel hasn’t been that unpleasant. But security or staff come around every two hours to check on clients. So I really still not alone even though I have a door.

If you don’t answer when they knock,the attending will open the door. I can’t wait to not to have to answer to anyone.

Even though I’m going to be in supportive housing, there’s no one coming around to check on me. No more security.

I pretty much will get my medication in the morning before I leave the building or don’t leave the building. But in order for me to have money and medication I have to meet with the nurse and money manager in the morning.

I’m now on haldol pills as apposed to the haldol shot which I find to be easier. I’m also on an anti depressant. I say I will most likely but up and ready to start my day by 8:30-9am. They serve breakfast at 8:30-9:30. I’m so used to getting up around 7:30. I never got up at 6am when the lights come on. And I find myself still getting up around 7:30 at the hotel. I have been going to bed around midnight just because I have the minimal freedom right now… I’ve been staying up and watching series on my tablet. In the shelter you can’t be on your phone or tablet after ten pm.

I will not miss living restricted.

Now I will be in an environment where I will have have intesive psychiatric care for a while until they feel that I’m doing ok. I will most likely be seeing my psychiatrist every week for a good six months and to be honest I don’t have a problem with it.

They also have actives which I plan to cease the opportunity to engage in. They have a smoke room as well where they have coffee and you can socialize with other tenants.

I just want my freedom to live with my mental illness alone. There are so many different characters in the shelter. You really can’t get comfortable the way you want.

I want to walk around barefoot. I miss being able to do that. I want to sleep with window open in the winter and sleep in air-conditioning in the summer, although this summer wasn’t that bad because my hotel room has a air-conditioner. The shelter turns off the air-conditioning at 5pm so by the time bed check comes around the dorm is hot and musty.

I can’t wait to have just food options in general and have a refrigerator again. The shelter tends to serve chicken alot. Sometimes I want tuna for dinner and they only serve tuna for lunch on Saturdays and the menu is on rotation.

Im going to stay up all night sometimes just to get out of the rut of the shelter existence. I’m going to nap during the day just once because I miss being able to lay in my bed freely.

I’m going to make my unit, home as much as possible. I completely miss everything. I have only been able to get some of that back while in the hotel. It’s been part of my transition. I’m glad that I’m moving now and not on the waiting list for the other residency which would put me back in the shelter as they are making plans to send everyone back by December from what I hear.

Im going to get very comfortable once I’m settled and I cannot wait.

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