Something new that I have been doing…

Something that I have been doing recently is praying.

I was never one for religion being raised Roman Catholic I have always had an appreciation for religion non the less but for myself I never really conformed to any one set religion and I went to private and perocial school as a child.

I never really had a form or a sense of the higher being,God although I believe that there is in fact a higher power then human life. I consider myself more spiritual.

But within the last couple of months, I found myself praying. I thank God for allowing me to start over, and being in the shelter and not on the street as that was the scariest part of my whole situation. Not knowing when I was going to get a meal, or place to sleep. I found myself at Columbus circle and pretty much stayed in that area.

I was using the bathroom in the time Warner shops building. But I didn’t even have a tooth brush.

I think the neighborhood people noticed that I was displaced and to help someone called the cops to try and get me help.

I pray about it. I don’t know if God hears me. I don’t know if I 100% believe in God but there is definitely a higher force that is saving me besides the system.

I didn’t necessarily pray for the place that I will be moving to as I don’t think God or whoever is a wish master granting me the the things that I want. I think whatever it is if you want to call it God, is giving me the things I need, and through recourse I got what I wanted which is to live in Manhattan.

I’m not going to say I feel blessed… I feel fournate and thank God for Everything thus far.

I remember going to church with Ruby who is a baptise. The church she was attending is on Burnside ave, just a block away from the shelter.

They where very inviting and they talked about the Bible as we didn’t attend actual service but rather Bible study. They talked about the virgin Mary and the birth of Jesus.

After attending Catholic school, I just can’t designat time to going to church, but that day I decided to give it a try as I was still trying to find myself through emotional breakdown. I was trying to “feel” as I have felt that through this situation I lost myself.

I still haven’t cried since leaving my mother’s place. I’m still, even now, in shock but going through excepance.

I just don’t think going to church itself is going to help me feel again… But definitely praying about the things I have gone through has helped.

I feel that something is helping and guiding me to get through my whole housing situation, and I was granted to live in a residency that is in Manhattan.

I just feel like I was also selfish in the past as well and I can’t blame my mental health status for that. I grew up somewhat spoiled having been my mother’s only child.

I never felt like I was entitled but I definitely had the benefits of a better lifestyle. I’m the fuck up. I’m the one with problems… When I had SSI before I didn’t contribute cash to my mother, I just shared my snap benefits. It was even like that when I worked. If it’s not selfishness I would have to say I couldn’t find the balance between my personal bills and contribution especially with two children.

I have to say that I’m actually happy now to be paying rent. I just wish that it could be a three bedroom apartment and I had my children.

I pray about it all the time…and know that I can’t change anything. But I feel like I’m angry at the same time with God and I question it all the time. Why do I have to be schitoeffective? Was I born cursed? What made God choose me to have this issue? Why do I have to hear voices? Is there a reason why I have this mental issue?

This is what I’m working on trying to except in general. I pray that God will answer these questions but I know that God is going to show me the answers I just have to be patient.

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