Yesterday I had a housing meeting via zoom with a housing specialist for an apartment with the bridge.
There are three different catagories of housing requirements that I may fit under.
I forget the three catagories but the one I’m most interested in is the graduate program which is scattered sites. Scattered sites means that there are vacant studio apartments in private owned buildings. The rules are a little bit more relaxed because you see a case manager once a week who comes to your home, but also a housing check is once every two months instead of every two weeks. It’s a bit more independent then the other two choices, which there’s a curfew during the week of 11pm and 1am on the weekends.
I can’t say I’m happy because I’m not in general… Lately I’ve been suffering with much depression. I miss my children and my family.
I have been trying to hold on, I haven’t cried yet but there’s much sorrow in my heart. I am alone to face every thing.
The time is coming where I’m going to have to leave the shelter. My rent is 30% of my SSI income. Electricity is included in the rent. But I have to face that finding my way around another part of the city is going to be challenging. I requested Manhattan or the Bronx and not Brooklyn because Brooklyn is harder to navigate. But everything is up in the air right now. Won’t find out if I was excepted into the program until next week.
Then I found out I can get student loan forgiveness I was sent the paperwork, but my medical review has to be every 5-7 years. My medical review is for every three years. So I have to have my psychiatrist fill out the paperwork so I can get discharged.
Then my plight in whether or not I should return to work to pay off my student loans. I won’t make enough money. My job history is sketchy. I qualify for minimum wage. I was thinking window clerk at the post office which requires me to take a civil servant test, but I may not get the job and if I do get the job I have to be able to pass the 60 day probation period. I may loose my benefits and be back in the shelter.
I was thinking of getting my certification as a security guard, but they don’t make much money. I am not facing to pay rent and I’m terrified of my unforseeable future.
Hopefully I can get student loan forgiveness because I qualify… But the other thing that is hindering me is my credit score. I owe so much money.
I don’t want to take out another loan to pay for an associate’s degree and there’s no hardship scholarships. I literally feel stuck, but this is real life. I never realized how much time has passed and damaged I really am.
I think because I am not doing so well mentality that my benefits will continue after 3 years. But that’s not a justification for the things that I owe and what has happened.
Will I be able to survive? I have no backup no fall through and no one to turn to in case something happens.
Anyway that’s whats been going on. I was able to meet with my psychiatrist in the Bronx by van request and as of right now I’m on haldol pills instead of the injection. I haven’t been hearing voices more like a humming like it’s trying to manefest.
I wish I could have been more and I wish I wasn’t such a fuck up. It’s no way to live with having someone checking over you every week and inspecting your apartment to make sure it’s clean. It’s no way to live without having family by your side.
I’m absolutely terrified of everything and doing my research on how I can better myself. But I feel like there’s no way out of things. I can work but I’d have to eventually forfeit SSI which is a cushion of sorts. It comes with a price also as social security may not find me disabled in a few years.
I could work security but I’m challenging with working for $8.00 an hour to begin with although some companies pay $13.00 an hour. But if I live with restrictions like a curfew I may not be able to work evenings like I planned if I do work security. I have to make $1200 a month working security I’d be lucky if I make $800 a month which is what I get now $783 plus $25 from the state which is $806 a month.
I decided that I’m not going to get cable when I move it’s just an added expense I don’t need at the moment.
I just have to figure out my next course of action. I feel so alone.