1.5 years has passed…

A year and a half has passed since my last psychotic episode. I have been in the shelter for a year and 2 months, with not much progress on finding a place to live, it’s been a learning process.

I have learned that your credit score is your foot in the door. I spent reclessly in the past, with opening 26 different accounts in retail credit. I have to blame my impeared judgement on my diagnosis, I was under the assumption that I could just get section 8 outside the city; and make the big move upstate on an income of $733. $781 isn’t that much difference. The problem is I’m damaged. Im not a good candidate to rent.

My income profile won’t do me much good when it comes to landlords and credit checks. I’m a failure at living.

I was trying to be an adult with credit. I didn’t want to be looked down appon because I didn’t have new gear. I wanted my daughter to look sharp when she went to school, like I had it like that. Money wasn’t an object. I wanted to spoil my son with what I could because I was a single mother bargaining with the government for a hand out. Praying that one of the two father’s would pay child support and not make my life ugly, I paid no mind to the voices I heard.

I was the one who was poverty stricken, and now even more so. I cant believe that I’m homeless was the first thought in my head when I was living on the street. No body cares. I lost my parental rights and a place to live. But I wasn’t paying the rent on the upper west side. My concern was making sure I paid the prorated cell phone bill every month, and overdrafting on my bank account on paying the minimum payment on the cards I could finance.

Now I live like I can’t waste a dollar. I know I splurged and invested on a laptop but it will carry me far. I am proud to say I still have money on my direct express card. But I have no one to share my excitement with. I’m virtually alone.

I have yet to make a friend outside the shelter. Have only a few people I say hi and bye to, it’s a lonely existence to think and know that my mental health caused me to loose my rights as a mother. There are no do overs or second chances when it comes to reconciling with my family.

It’s been a year and a half since I was hospitalized and diagnosed schitoaffective. The loneliness time I experienced was Christmas and then new years. My birthday was January 4th, I had no one give me a card or wish me happy birthday. It was just another day. So I bought a brownie from the deli with my EBT card and celebrated alone.

I have gotten through the hard part which is getting back on ssi. The 5 month wait was killing me. I for sure thought that I would be denied and have to appeal the decision.

Now I have an income,which proves nothing. Only that I can afford to continue living in a shelter.

I am going to end up in a group home or in another shelter and shelter hop my existence. I have no friends from the past to say hi to, and with my Facebook closed I lost all of my relationships I did have which where filled with false hope and expectations.

The only things I’m greatful for now is having a roof over my head, but I wish every night that I don’t wake up in the morning. I’m riddled in depression. I’m happy that I have some money in my pocket but that too comes with a price to pay.

The goal and main objective is to support myself and live with mental illness. I don’t have to make sure my kids needs or wants are met anymore, which was a big part in why I took out so much credit. I was amazed that I was getting approved. I never not once thought I could loose everything.

It never dawned on me that I could have an acs case or be evicted. A learning curve is what I call it. I literally still have nothing, and when we get back to the shelter it’s back to routine and sharing a room with 26 other woman.

My mind is flooded with uncertainty. Where am I going to end up?

A year and a half went by fast.

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