$735 dollars was my first paper check from SSA. Ruby went with me to cash the check. She was on hiatus from SSA and wasn’t getting her benefits for 3 months.

So we went to the check cashing place on burnside ave. I had cash. The first thing I did was get my phone and tablet from metro PCS. It was almost dinner time at the shelter, and the clerk at Metro was taking to long to connect my phone and my tablet, so I told Ruby to go ahead back to the shelter so she wouldn’t miss dinner.

I got a free screen protector, and I bought a pink case for my alcatel 6.3 . I got the only tablet they had for sale which was the joytab and I bought the $35 dollar case for that as well. I could download free urban fiction novels from the Google play store and keep on my tablet.

When people find out you have money in the shelter there are alot of hands out for a few extra dollars. So after I bought my phone and tablet, i got alot of eyes staring at me from outside. Like “oh she must have gotten her SSI” no jealousy but just another face to go to for a few dollars. I don’t really give out money but I had joined the income club.

So for the first time since being in the shelter I had a 16 gig phone and a 32 gig tablet. It had been a year since owning a phone.

Metro pcs is prepaid service with T-Mobile so with insurance and the two plans I was looking at $87 dollars a month as a bill, tax included.

The next day I went to Rite aid and bought a prepaid debit card with greendot and put $90 dollars on it so I could activate Hulu, Netflix and the Starz app. All I was thinking about was catching up on the show power. Everyone in the shelter was streaming the show off the app and talking about the previous weeks episode like Frasier a woman in my dorm.

When Ruby got back from her program we went to rainbows and I spent $100 dollars on some clothes for myself.

The next day after that I took Yvonne with me to brunch and we went to Jimbo’s. I spent $55 dollars on two plates of banana pancakes and bacon and a side order of fries chicken and milk shakes. While we talked about guys we where talking to on tagged, and her friend valentine who lived in Jamaica.

I had run out of money. But was still expecting to get back pay from SSA. I spent the next day watching power on my phone, starting in the morning while sitting in the living room.

Ingrid, my case manager and I came to an agreement that I could keep the first check I got from SSA so I could catch up on the things I needed but my backpack I had to give her 60%.

I got a letter in the mail from SSA the next day after that explaining that because I was on welfare I had to pay it back I would be receiving $2300 dollars in retro. I gave Ingrid the letter so she could make a copy for my file. And she explained to me that she wanted me to keep a savings for when I moved I would have the money to buy things to furnish my space.

I ran out of money quickly with that one check. So I figured with my back pay I would get the clothes I needed. I decided on getting tunic tops from amazon, Abdul was nice enough to get me two pair of black leggings already. Then I got a pair of jeans and 4 t shirts and two dresses from rainbow shops online and had my clothes delivered.

All my packages came around the same time, so I took the clothes Abdul had bought me and the stuff I got from donations and put them on the donations table. I gave Ruby the converse high top sneakers, and I folded my brand new clothes and put them away.

It took about a week and a half for me to get my direct express card in the mail from the time I got the paper check. I activated the card with a pin number and set up alerts so I would be notified by text message when I got a direct deposit.

A few days later I got a little over $2300 dollars direct deposited on my direct express card. I went and pulled out $800 dollars. I gave Ingrid a total of $1500 by ways of money order from the post office. It took 3 days because I didn’t want to lock my card for 24 hours due to fraud protection on the card.

When I got my package from rainbows a few woman stopped me and congratulated me on getting SSI.

But I had to wait until June to get paid again. I was able to keep up with my cell phone bill though.

My total direct deposit is $781 a month from SSA and $25 dollars from the state once a month on the first. So when I didn’t get the message on my debit card that I would be receiving my benefit I had to call SSA and they directed me to the northern Bronx office number. They had to do something on their end in the computer I found out I was supposed to get paid for may as well so in a few days I got a direct deposit of $1566. I decided to invest in a laptop and not nembutal so I could try to end my life. Plus the pills are illegal. I had even communicated by ways of the WhatsApp to talk to a representative from the Ukraine about paying. $270 by PayPal to have an order of 50 pills sent to me but I cancelled the order I just didn’t respond back.

I have my SSI back but I’m so depressed it’s desturbing. I literally have everything I need, but the gruesome fact that I may not be able to live on my own is depressing. I made a vow to end my life but I don’t want to risk getting into trouble with customers or if something doesn’t go right taking the nembutal pills I could end up in an asylum.

I’m still broke and in debt. I lost privileges to call my family family and I have to worry about if I have another psychotic episode while in quarantine. That I have started my book confessions, semi autobiographical urban fiction story about my failed attempts with dating men. My many failed relationships.

The day goes by quickly. And I pretty much do the same thing every day only now I have a laptop. I’m determined to make something for myself, even with suffering through depression.

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