My own

I just so badly wanted to have my own. A small business and my own place to live. I would spend many hours trying to research how to get my own line of human hair, so I could sell online and be able to pay for my own chair in a salon. I wanted the best for my non exsistant clientelle, that the first time I went to beauty school, I was putting ads on craigslist to do hair for free so I could build my portfolio. I was doing weaves. I met a woman named Mahasian who came to me for a weave. She was an underground model who was getting her head shots done and doing small time work for local photographers. I don’t know if she was doing any print work, but she had answered one of my ads. So I set up shop in the living room of my mothers apartment. All I requested was that you have your own hair. I called my business Hair Envy.

I never got paid for my work, I would just take pictures with my phone and upload to drop box for future purposes. Only one time I got a client and did her weave she paid me $100 dollars. But my dream was to own my own chair or open a salon, I even travelled to the Bronx to check out a salon that was for sale for $20,000. I tried to talk my mother into getting a bank loan so we could own a salon. There was another one on 106th and 3rd ave that we both went to go see after I had graduated from Empire beauty school.

She wasn’t taking out a bank loan to buy a salon, that when I met Tamara, She told me the ins and outs of having your own salon. A chair is different. You have to have money to invest in your clients, from products to a hair line. Tamara had her own hair line and a business partner. Her salon was under her daughters father name, but insurance was expensive, and you have to have your own private garbage disposal company come and pick up your waste because your dealing with chemicals. Being a beautician is an art form that I loved but wasn’t very good at it. You can do everything cosmetology has to offer under a cosmetology license, and the potential to make $100,000 a year with the right investment.

I had met a man over the phone from my aunt who’s a publisist, who was shipping hair for china. Priced my the piece, he told me $1500 dollars I could get a box of hair sent to me, mixed lot. I would work out prices from the length and came up with my price list for my non existent hair line. Tamara sells bundles and even has a website dedicated to her online clientele.

My dream was to own a salon and be busy doing extensions and hair cuts because thats what I loved to do. I learned from some of the other students at empire beauty school that there where even you tube channels dedicated to the hair weaving game. I learned how to make wigs with closure pieces from YouTube and I was buying bundles of hair from Alli express and making my own wigs. If they where good or not didn’t matter to me. I wore the wigs and proudly displayed myself when I would take my daughter to school. I just didn’t have enough resources to get a loan from the bank or borrow money to have my own. I was already in debt with my new student loan to empire beauty school.

I was sure to start my career as a stylist and was gun ho about keeping at job at the Dry bar. I enjoyed it, but it didn’t enjoy me. I like having a place to go to say I had a career as a stylist, and plan to go to the hair show once a year in April to see the up and coming product lines and hair styles created by world famous stylists.

I wanted to make enough money to pay back my loans and finance myself an apartment. But my illness took a tole on my behavior. My past wouldn’t rest. I had my loans on deferment that when Elaine told me about student loan forgiveness program I went online to the link she sent to my phone and filled out the application. Because I recievig disablity I didn’t have to pay back my student loans, if I should start working I couldn’t make more then $20,000 for a family of 3. I was approved for the student loan forgiveness program. One less bill to have to worry about. I hadn’t taken out any credit lines yet. All I was responsible for was the cell phone bill.

But I tried to start my own business. I was looking for a way to have my own, that I had even rented a chair in Tamaras salon, she let me go because I wasn’t generating any money, and I couldn’t pay her to rent the chair. She wanted $100 dollars a week. She had given me a month on the $100 dollars I had paid her for the two days I would be in the shop. But I barely had any supplies, and foolishly took out a phone line with Verizon wireless for a business phone. Now I was resposnible for two phone lines, but thought I could pull it off on $733 a month. I had deliousions of grander. This was classic signs of bipolar disorder.

I couldn’t make the payment for Verizon so I let the phone get suspended and cut off, which started my credit debit. I was Jealous of Elaine because she was getting SDD and was able to afford rent in jersey city. She had all her entitlements, her daughters where getting checks from SSD, and then she was getting child support. Even though she had her hardships she was even getting Snap benefits and heap which is a grant to help you with electricity. She was making it. Her daughters where in charter school, she was able to afford their uniforms and shoes.

I was still under the guidance of my mother finacially. I was robbing the blind so to speak, that didn’t mean I didn’t have the support of my near and dear. What my mother didn’t know wouldn’t kill her. That was my way of thinking. I didn’t mean to skim money off the top but I ran out of money with the an ever increasing cell phone bill. I was upgrading my iPhone ever chance I got, and it cause the account to get prorated. That and the add ons, I was paying close to $500 a month.

Now Im alone. After have lost my SSI, and getting back on SSI, and having no income, I think about how am I going to survive if and when I move out from the shelter. I was under the influence that I would be living with my mother for the rest of my life while she tried to find a bigger apartment for the right price, she too had a profile on New York Housing connect, and was even called to view an apartment in the Bronx off the 2 train.

I was always the black sheep of the family, and that because I was different. I always had a problem. If it wasn’t going to a special education school, it was arthritis. And as I got older I became a recluse who tried to find employment, but qualified for nothing. My best bet was getting a job at mcdonlads which I wasn’t qualified for either. I tried my hand at retail but never got the jobs I applied for.

I cant even say Im the best at writing. I so badly wanted to write my own urban fiction novel after reading the cartel by Ashley and Jaquarvious and the coldest winter ever. But those are based on true events. Theres some truth behind those stories. I didn’t live a fast pace life style.

My story is now and my experiences with mental illness. This is the only story I can tell, and maybe someone will take notice and turn my blog into a book with a ghost writer. But there’s a story from every body. Mine isn’t that far fetched. Im just someone who has fallen in hard times and had to be segregated from her family due to mental health. I put myself in debt. Theres no one to blame but myself.

I lost my cosmetology license which was left behind at the apartment. I can’t renew it I don’t have an address. But I miss my family even the ones I didn’t speak to like my cousins. Im the youngest of my immediate family, and the fuck up. I had two children and no income, married and living at home with my mother. I can’t even afford a divorce, and know he cant afford it either.

I even tried to see about gettin my own apartment in the building in where I already lived if I got approved for SSDI. But I soon found out that my husband had to be living in the household for me to be approved. I really thought I was on a grace period with SSA and I was going to get SSDI and have a market value apartment at $3200 dollars a month. I grew accustomed to living off the government.And now all I think about is, what if I could work. what would I be doing. Would I be a hair stylist or working for some place corporate?

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