My psychosis

While medicated I don’t hear voices or have hallucinations. Haldol decanoate decreases the excitement of the brain from having auditory hallucinations, which is what I was having when I was on the street for 3 months.

I don’t know why I heard what I thought to be Diddy voice talking to me. I really felt like I was apart of something. I really thought that I was going to be published as a song writer, that I even had met a guy on Facebook some times ago by the name of Vlad, who worked for Bad Boy. He had even come over and spent time with me. He never reviewed any of my poetry, but I held on to that. I thought I was being singled out for my work. I had been published in poetry America anthology, and I thought that I was being followed. I was waiting for my invitation to one of Diddy famous parties.

The man lives in LA. Once time I pushed the stroller all the way to the infamous Bad boy world wide building and asked the security is “Sean” was there, “He’s in LA” I sat outside front the building on the steps with my daughter in the stroller. She was 8 months old. I sat there for about 45 minutes and walked back home. I don’t know what I was waiting for, and I don’t even know why I had an obsession with Sean John Combs. I don’t even know everything about him. Im not a die hard fan where Im reading every single blog about him. I just knew that I wanted to be a song writer. To be honest I don’t think you can even turn poetry into a song. Im not even that great a writer. It would be far fetched for me to write a manuscript, but it doesnt hurt to try. But getting a literary agent and trying to get published in hard back is the hardest thing to do. Your manuscrpit really has to be thought provoking. But its not like I didn’t try in the past, to publish with an urban fiction publishing company that I found on the back of a urban fiction novel that I was reading. I got on the lap top and started typing. I don’t even know what the story was going to be about, but I was able to get the three chapters and send by email my submission.

Delusions of grandure is what I had. It all started after having a second child. This was my post partum depression. My husband had left me to care for our little family that we had made, and he was diagnosed schitophrenic, with a porn addiction. I romanticisized the idea that I would make it big as a song writer even joining BMI, music royalty, and music publishing company so I could get paid for my work. I never knew how to start sending out my “DEMO” that I even put out a craigslist ad to try and start working with underground rappers and show case our work together. I was trying to find a way to get into a studio so I could transform my writing into songs, because I thought I was that good. I had joined the lettrs app and was posting the poetry I wrote on my phone to the app, using ever note. I was trying to build a fan base. I joined websites that featured poetry and spoken word. I started YouTubing spoken word artists and following them to get inspirtation for my own poetry. I even tried having my own YouTube Chanel, but I wasn’t very good.

And its all led me to start a blog after my trial and errors. My tribulations with mental illness. I find myself alone with my thoughts. The only way any body is going to know my story is by sharing it online anonymously. Im not trying to build a fan base Im trying to build an audience. Listen, having having mental illness isn’t a joke. Its not fun being trapped in your own head and possibly have a psychotic episode if not medicated properly. Most people with schitophrinia have the worst problems. They tend to hit rock bottom if not diagnosed properly. I surely hit rock bottom, and not talking about living in a shelter. Im so much in debt I can’t even do credit repair. I can’t finance it.

I just live one day at a time, and pray I don’t have a psychotic meltdown, which is why I have been journaling my story on my blog. I keeping at task, because the shelter is in quarintine, and Im stuck in a hotel room I can’t get to my haldol injection.

Im not stressed out enough to have a mental breakdown. I just sit in my hotel room and blog, and eat. I have gotten a few emails on my iCloud account pertaining to my blog, and grateful that I am building an audience. A lot of well wishes and Congratulations for making it to the shelter, and good luck for the future.

I just hope we aren’t at this hotel for too long. I kind of what things to go back to normal. The shelter life. Im going stir crazy being by myself. I have 4 walls and a double room to myself. Racheal comes to check on me everyday which is nice of her. But I rather be crowded into the shelter walls then be at the hotel. I don’t know why. Everyday is like ground hogs day. Im wishing for something exciting to happen, but what’s going to happen back at the shelter also. Its the same routine there also.

Out of the dorms by 9am, and into the living room or out side to smoke. Hiding the lighter in my bra, and going for a cup of 75 cent coffee. Theres not one person I talk to all day long. Everyone says good morning to each other but I don’t have anyone to have a discussion with. I do the same thing pretty much every day only now I have a phone and a tablet. I sit in the same recliner and charge my phone and tablet, put on my earbuds and watch Netflix until about 10am, then I go out for a cigarette, then sit in the cafertia until lunch time. I stand on line with my tray for lunch, and sit where there’s availablity, then sit in AWOL for an hour until the living room re opens. I play with the apps on my phone or watch “TV” on my tablet or phone. If I can’t get a chair by the table at AWOL, I go outside and take a walk. During lunch time you can’t sit in the waiting area, AWOL isn’t the big of a space either.

Then I sit in the living room until Ruby comes back around 4pm from her program. Sometimes I switch and chill in the cafeteria but she knows where to find me, and we go out for a smoke, and a cup of coffee before diner which is served at 5pm.

Ruby and I eat together, and then go out for another cigarette after diner, then its off to the dorm. I usually prepare to take my shower, gettin undressed in the shower stall. I have slippers that I was able to get for the shower from donations when I first got to Susans place. Theres the donation table in the living room and a donations closet where I was able to get some clothes for the time being. It was like rummage.

After my shower, Im usually in bed. But since getting the phone I have been watching Netflix or Hulu. I have my extension cord so that I can charge my apperatusus, and Im usually now in bed around 8pm. I sign for my bed at 9:30 and I sleep with my pocketbook on my bed so I can check the time in the early morning when the lights come on at 6:30 am.

The same women sit in the living room every morning. And its usually Good morning America the Kelly and Ryan. they keep it on Chanel 7 sometimes BET and the fresh prince is on. or something random. Never do they have Wendy Williams on in the morning. I used to have a routine when I was living at home. I would take my daughter to school, then watch Kelly and Ryan and then Wendy Williams. then by 11am I was up and about talking on the phone with Elaine about jersey city or her latest gossip. Last conversation I had with Eline she was applying for section 8 in jersey city.

I get up around 7:30 am and start my day all over again. The same thing every day. On Thursdays I see Ingrid at 6pm in the social services office. You have to sign your name on the clip board and put your case managers name and the time of your appointment.

When I had nothing it was even worse. I would sit at the table at AWOL and put my head down and take a nap for an hour. Then I would go to the living room to watch law and order or Blue bloods, what ever they had on. Before quarantine started they where changing the station to the Spanish network for the Spanish speaking clients of Susans place. That starts at 9am but the groups start.

Mecca is trying to utilize every day of the week for either leisure activies like coloring and beading, Zumba, and holistic yoga. She doesnt want the clients of Susans place just sitting around and trying to fall asleep on the couches in the morning or in the afternoon.

Saturdays and Sundays to for rest. People sleep in late. The lights don’t come on until 4pm But there’s always something going on. I don’t know what Ruby does all day Saturday. Sometimes I catch her reading her her scriptures and watching her Micheal Jackson videos on her phone. Sometimes she will sit in the cafeteria and spark up and conversation with someone who she gave a cigarette to. She gets the gossip and then reports back to me when we meet up outside. Ruby is always down to smoke a cigarette too.

But Im always fearful of my mental health. If and when am I going to have a psychotic episode. That I don’t dare miss an appointment with Dr. Gonzalez. He’s my psychiatrist at Susans place. Because Im suffering with depression he put me on Zoloft. I don’t have either medication at my disposal right now.

I wasn’t crying a lot but he felt that I needed an anti depressant. But I have managed to get myself the things I needed with the help of Abdul, who also bought me coco butter lotion. Since getting awarded my SSI he has stopped helping me. Its not like I really needed anything more then what he’s already given me. He doesnt know of my mental illness though. He just thinks I got SSI for arthritis. He doesnt know that Susans place is a mica shelter.

And what happens if I do have a psychotic break. Who’s going to know about it. Who’s going to be there for me. Theres no one but myself to think about. I literally am the black sheep. I don’t have not one person in my corner, and have to shun people away that I meet about the truth about my diagnosis, and my real past. Im never going to have a proper relationship. The one thing my husband said to me when he left Wass “No body is going to love you” He was right.

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