My room smells like vomit

I bought a bottle of Tylenol last week and tried to commit suicide. I swallowed half a bottle which made me throw up all over the floor. House keeping cleaned up but now my room at park west hotel smells like vomit.

I spent hours looking up ways to commit suicide, which is how I found out about nembutal and potassium cyanid pills off market shipped from the Ukraine. I even spoke to a sales rep on whatsapp to find out the cost of nembutal.

This isn’t my first time researching something so drastic, like the time I got obsessed with eating disorders. I was following you tube channels on thinspo which is the slang for anorexia. I would have become a bulimic but I hate throwing up.

I have taken chances on laxitives to try and get thin. This was in the past when I first got my SSI and I ballooned up to 325lbs. The zyprexia made me gain so much weight. I spending money on diet pills like Allied and which is the over the counter version of xenical. Xenical is prescription form diet pills.

So when I first got to the motel I had nothing to do so I started looking up ways to kill myself. How can I get to the George Washington bridge so I could throw myself off the bridge. But that wouldn’t work there’s razor wire surrounding the top of the gate separating the bridge from the water. So I stated looking up suicide by pills and nembutal came up. Its a barbiturate which slows down the activity of your brain and nervous system. A sedative to treat insomnia or cause you to fall asleep before surgery. Its also used to treat seizures.

So I thought if I buy a bottle of Tylenol I could die in my sleep. All it did was make me throw up. I afraid to by nembutal because the package may never come it may get stopped at customs. plus the pills are against the law in the United States you need a prescription for them. I was determined to get them. when I found out that I was getting a double payment from SSA I was going to fit the cost and have them mailed to the Shelter. They take payment form of cash app, western union, and PayPal.

I tried with out much success. I don’t want to kill myself. Im not really even suicidal, but I went as far as donating my body to science when I die, and becoming an organ donor online at the dmv. I have no one that cares about me, why not right. If something should happen no one is going to care. No one is getting notified that something happened to me.

I even went so far as to call the suicide prevention hotline, but they had me on hold so I hung up. So I decide to buy a laptop from amazon so I can keep up with my blog, and also write my first novel. I can easily do this on my phone but I need a key board to keep up with the key strokes. I have nothing better else to do with my time while Im at the hotel. I was watching grays anatomy but how much Netflix can one possibly watch. Theres nothin to do all day long, but go outside and smoke cigarettes, buy cups of coffee and watch people walk by. I have my food stamps, I walked to broadway which is 5 blocks away and went to the gourmet deli, bought food, walked back. which isn’t helping how I feel about myself, because Im buying brownies and cupcakes and crab meat salad and stuffing my face with all this food. I just got a deposit of $194 in snap benefits again on the 8th of this month and Th corner store bodegas ebt machine in broken.

Since being here, I went with Racheal a woman in the shelter who’s on my floor at the motel to try and open a bank account. She got her stimulus check in the mail and wanted to open a bank account at TD bank. We went as far as 149th street in the Bronx off the 2 train which is quite a distance from where we are quarantined. The train station is on west 97th street and broad way, we are on 106th street and Central Park. Its like 7 long blocks away. But the banks aren’t open because of coronavirus, and the are only taking clients by appointment. She ended up going to the check cashing place on Amsterdam ave and cashing the check.

But now my room smells like vomit. Its lingering. I don’t know what possessed me to buy a bottle of Tylenol and swallow half a bottle but I was trying to end my life. All I need in this world is to be locked in the psych ward. If I got caught or something went wrong where the staff would have to call the ambulance they would lock me in the psych ward for a few days.

Racheal isn’t on SSI she’s trying to get a job but has yet to go to work force, because the city is locked down for quartine. She has an open ACS case also Her two children live with family. Racheal is a nice girl. But Theres nothing open nothing to do nothing to see, and so I decided to spend my time on the computer. Its keeping me from my thoughts of trying to harm myself again.

I got obsessed with outrageous things that deal with self harm. I remember when I was obsessed with Anorexia I joined secret chat rooms I found online and claimed to have an eating disorder. I became obsessed with trying to get thin, especially with out proper diet or exercise. and trust me I joined the gym when I was getting SSI the first time. I was spending $60 dollars a month at New York sports club to use to the treadmill. At one point I had join the gym on west end ave called Paris health club and spending $100 a month just so I could work out. But I saw no progress so I quit my membership, then a year later joined New York sports club and did the same thing.

I would take laxitives to the point that I sharted myself one day. I was taking water pills to try and pee out the excess water retention. I even went as far as to get the IUD put in. Not because I had a heavy flow but because my gyn said I would loose weight with it.

Im a big boned woman. I now weight 245lbs and wear a size 20, but when I went shopping for new clothes I bought a size 24 jeans. I stand at 5’7.5 and I have pear shape. Im flabby and I have a double gut, meaning a pouch on the bottom of my stomach. My problem has always been food. Im still able to turn heads because I have a pretty face.

But I just want a way to dull the pain of not being able to see my family. If I could turn back the hands of time and do it over with out having mental health issues. Plenty of teen mothers get jobs and start careers. My problem is I never finish any thing. Now I have all the time in the world to jot down some of my ideas and start a novel but I also feel guilt for the things I did. Im a thief. Nothing worse then someone who steals and Im that person, and from my mother. She trusted me and I blew her trust, and my kids are disappointed in me. I couldn’t have failed them in the worst way.

This is why I started researching how to kill myself. But the what ifs. Like what if I got the pills and it doesn’t work, I would be locked up in an asylum. I have enough on my plate.

Now Im stuck in a room that smell like vomit with nothing but stories to share on blog. I have so many stories that I don’t think Ill ever stop blogging.

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