There have been many men in my life who Ive dated, have had sex with, one night stands, and had full blown relationships with. But they didn’t last long. I now look at my misfortune with men as part of my diagnoses with being bipolar. Being bipolar you can’t hang on to relationships for too long. Its part of the character behavior with being bipolar.

My last relationship was 2 years ago with a guy named Will. He was an artist of cartooning a single father a vet from Newark New Jersey. We met on tagged. He was going to art school in the city on 34th Street. I was going to empire beauty school. I had had just graduated school when I met him. Our relationship was based on sex. I went so far as to travel to Newark to meet him so he could could take me to a cheap hotel. He was on public assistance and trying to get a graphics team together because he believed in his art work so much. But he smoked weed and it hindered him. He never completed school, dropping out and moving to New York with his 3 kids during the summer of 2016. He had to start at Path in the bronx. I went out of my way to rent a hotel room at the Days inn for him and his 3 kids for $159 dollars a night. I used my SSI money. There was a bed and a pull out couch for his kids to sleep on. He had two sons and a daughter. My daughter and his kids got along well. We would have play dates and go to the park with the kids.

He decided to move to New York Path placed him in Brooklyn off the L train. He was in east New York. For his birthday in June I bought him an iPad from finger hut. Which is part of my many debts, finger hut. I had a $800 dollar credit line with the company. SO I decided for his birthday I would get him an iPad mini. He was ever so grateful. I even went so far as to get him a iPhone on my mothers account because he was on boost mobile and I didn’t agree with it. Delusions of grander. I was in the middle of one of my episodes and I thought I could do it all on $733 a month.

We broke up because it just wasn’t working out. He was always late to meet me, meeting up with is cousin to smoke before going out with me, and he had a curfew, because when he went out his mother would watch his children and she wanted him back by a certain time. We got into an argument I don’t even remember what it was about, and we broke up. He’s back in Newark. I know because I found him on Facebook and checked his stats.

But our relationship was based primarily on sex, he would use his EBT cash and would rent hotel rooms and have sex. We did dinner once and the bar for his birthday, which I paid for where we had chicken wings and beer. I had a cosmopalitian. Will was an ok kind of guy, but just as broke as I was he was struggling to be a single father and get housing in Newark New Jersey with the veterans association of America. He was trying to get section 8 in Newark New Jersey. He was living in a family shelter at the ymca.

I even went so far as to buy him clothes from express from one of the many cards I had, and had it delivered to my apartment. I made him take out a line of credit at old navy and by his kids some clothes. My son didn’t like him too much but I was doing to the responsible thing so I thought. Will was still married to his children mother who lived in the bronx, with two other children by two other men, she had an open ACS case where she had to go to court for parenting classes. Will had full custody of his 3 children, but they had problems. the youngest, Ari, peed the bed because of all the moving around they did. When he was finished with deploy he settled in Virginia. Where he moved in with a woman who beat his kids. So he left and moved back home to Newark New Jersey. He had a cleaning company so he called it. But just like myself he had delusional dreams of become a famous artist. Self medicating to take the pain away for being a single father to three children, he suffered with bipolar disorder.

Then there was Cory Brown who was a security guard. He gave me money when we where together. We where not even dating but when I had a psychotic episode and was put in the hospital he told my father that I used his debit card to purchase iTunes music. He has bought me a iPhone 3. He let me use his debit card to open up an iTunes account. And I did, I down loaded music and used his debit card to buy music. My father paid him back the $20 dollars.

Corey would come over to see me, and spend time with me, I met him on black planet. He wasn’t cute at all, slightly over weight and he looked like a monkey. We never had sex, but he would give me money. I would use the money to get my nails done. I used him. He went as far as helping me get 6 video games for my son for Christmas for the playstation 3.

There was Q Bangs, aka Qory from Newark New Jersey. we met on tagged. Our whole relationship was based on sex and weed. I even went so far as to let him spend the night in my apartment. This was before my daughter was born. My son was about 8 or 9 years old. I wasn’t working, I wasn’t on public assistance I was just chilling on borrowed time. Q, was a “do music” kind of guy. He had friends who had recording studios hooked up in their basements and he would rap over home grown music and keep it on his iPod. This is when nextel was in service. I had a nextel phone and so did he and we would chirp each other good morning.

Things with Q didn’t last long because he had other interests and had picked up a girlfriend along the way who ended up getting pregnant and have his twins. Q like to smoke weed also and was going to go to school of audio research but got arrested for sell weed. He ended up with 5 kids on a drug deals salary. He’s one that never made it out of the hood. He’s still in Newark sell weed and doing music. I used to follow him on Instagram.

For Qs birthday I had bought him a designer zippo lighter which he told me later on he lost. He wasn’t that interesting a person, when you meet a guy that smokes weed from the morning till he goes to bed The Who day is the chase after a blunt.

I used to be that way, wake and bake. That was the one thing I could relate to with the men I met on social media. I have been sober for 2 years now or maybe longer. My last drag of a blunt was with will from Newark in a motel room before we had sex. I know I shouldn’t have but I did. With my diagnosis smoking weed isn’t a good thing. I could have a psychotic break or worse.

Theres Mike from my old building he had his own apartment his parents left him and moved to Miami. He had one child and He had invited me to come chill with him in his apartment to smoke up. He wanted a one night stand but I declined because he wasn’t my type. But we did smoke up and kissed a little. He had sent me a picture of his penis when I left his apartment. We both had iPhones. His daughter was my daughters class. son every morning I would see him in the classroom when we went to drop off the kids at school.

I have had a lot experiences with one night stands that I can’t even remember all the names of the men I have been with. But not a lot where as generous as Abdul. no one has taken me shopping or given me money consistently. Abdul gave me $20 dollars a week while I was on welfare he missed like two weeks because he had to work over time at his job. He’s a city sight seeing ticket seller. He told me he brings home 50% of the tickets he sells every day. He used to be off Tuesdays and Saturdays. He would meet me at 1 o’clock in front of the shelter and give me $20 dollars give me a hug and leave. He’s muslim and African. Which isn’t my problem but I just don’t want to lead him on.

He was going to take me to Red lobster for my birthday but we never went. the conversation is the same when ever we text and Theres nothing to take about because his English isn’t that good, he’s here on a work visa, and loves it in the Bronx. He maintains himself pretty well fresh hair cut and clean clothes, he wears cologne. He had a one bedroom apartment near yankee stadium he paying $950 for, he has cable and a cell phone. His nephew is staying with him until he gets on his feet. But when I met Abdul it was on tagged. First he was texting me on my Obama phone, then when I switched up and got Metro PCS he got my new number. But the conversations aren’t that in depth. Im looking for someone who will actually talk to me.

Im so Bord and so lonely that I could cry. And now Im stuck in this hotel room alone. Security comes around every so often to check up on the clients of Susans place. We have the whole motel. But same rules apply when ever leaving the building we get wanded for contraband. We get our 3 meals a day sent by van request all the way from the kitchen of Susans place.

The other problem I have is Im still married to my daughters father. I can’t afford a divorce and I can’t do uncontested because there was a child with in the marriage, and a product of the marriage. There was no point in gettin married. It didn’t stop him from having a porn addiction, and trying to incorporate porn into our sex life. I was so sick of William that I packed his things and told him to leave the key on the table and leave. He was renting a storage unit at Manhattan mini storage to keep his porn magazines and the little bit he did own, away from me. I was so angry with him that when he did his taxes and got back a return with both our names on it, he had already moved out I took the check and deposited it into my bank account. He got back back $10,000 and then another $800. I spent the whole the thing. I bought diapers, and clothes for my son and my daughter, I bought a used Mac book to store music on, I bought so many things I didn’t need, I could have used it to pay back my student loans. But I wasn’t thinking of my student loans. I was thinking of bills. I was trying to make sure my kids had clothes and the things they wanted. My daughter was just a baby so I needed things and William didn’t have the money to give me for diapers when he was paying for a storage unit.

I met a guy named Jason on plenty of fish. He was from middle town New York. He had traveled from middle town to come visit me. This was back when my son was 6 or 7 years old. I ended up getting pregnant from Jason. And using my mothers American Express card to pay for the abortion. My friends and Jason went with me for the abortion. I didn’t have medicaid at the time, but my son did. I don’t remember why I didn’t have Medicaid but I had to pay out of pocket for the abortion. Jason couldn’t cough up any money, I was 21 and he was 19 and he had no money. He told his mother he was visiting friends for the weekend and snuck and came to see me in the city. We went bowling with my friends. I met him at port authority. We where only together for 4 months before things got rocky. He lived in Middle town New York and it was getting hard for him to come and see me, that I went out of my way one time to get him a hotel room at the days inn from money I stole.

Jason was my first abortion. I was so scared that my mother would find out that I was pregnant. I didn’t even know that I was pregnant until I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. I was 2.5 months pregnant. We ended up just breaking up because as time lapsed on there was lack of communication.

My second abortion was from my boyfriend Monroe, he put my bow flex together. I had a credit line with them, and so I had one sent to the apartment. Im in debt all over the place. My mother never said anything about the bow flex except that it was taking up too much space in the twin size room I had to myself. She had just built a third room by the dinning room, she had a wall put up so my son could have his own room.

Monroe wanted me to keep the baby, because he wanted to see what it would look like. But we ended up skipping classes at Mandell and Going for the abortion down in china town. Medicaid picked up the tab for it. Monroe was going to the VA hospital for psychiatric treatment because he was diagnosed schizophrenic. We needed our relationship when I found out he was sleeping with his wife again and I was the other woman. We had already finished classes at Mandell. When I had the abortion I was a month and half pregnant.

I have come across to many different types of men in my life time. Non of my relationships where good. I never had a domestic violence relationship where I was beat up but I Have been dated raped twice, unreported. Like when I went to the hotel room with a guy named Drew. He was coming over to watch Power with me. He was from Harlem, a security guard with one child. We met from plenty of fish. We wasn’t really my type of guy but we got along well. He would stay for dinner and my mother got involved in the conversations and telling her story when she was married to my paternal father who was a corrections officer in matawan New York.

We kinda started to like each other, but I was hesitant. So one night we where fooling around, and the next time I saw him he said why don’t we go to a “telly” He knew a good spot in the Bronx.

We where getting into it and he had me Doggy style and stuck his finger in my anal cavity. He must have not cut his nails and he scratched in the inside of my anus. I put my hand back to stop him from penetrating any deeper. He was drunk so the fuss must have excited him he ejaculated inside me. He rolled over and went to sleep after. I went to the bathroom to clean myself up. And I noticed I was bleeding from my rectum. We stayed the rest of the time in the motel room until it was time to check out. He slept off the alcohol, and we walked back to the train. We had gotten into an arguement, I forget what about, but the train ride back was distant. He was loud and abrasive and rapping about hoes and bitches directing it towards me.

Drew was a drunk who lived at home with his mother. And “had” to get a job to pay his child support. In the beginning before I learned he was a drunk, I had given him a phone that was disconnected from my account. By this time, I kept two phones. And iPhone and a galaxy phone. One was for business which never rang and the other was my personal number which was my iPhone. I gave him a disconnected note 4 phone. My mother really didn’t know what was going on with the sprint account I was maintaining it for the most part. So When I gave him the note 4 he gave me $40 dollars.

After the “telly” experience I never heard for him again. we went our separate ways.He was ruff and mean during our time at the motel, that I consider what he did date rape. And I told him to use a condom he didn’t.

I never really met a guy through a mutual friend or dated anyone from the neighborhood like my friends did. I barely hung out on the “block” like Ging or Elaine. I wasn’t familiar with the guys from the neighborhood except the ones who grew up in the building.

I did have a crush on Kurious Jorge a small time rapper who made his claim to fame with a song called walk like a duck. Now he’s underground and performs in Germany and out of the country. I had a crush on him he had blue eyes and curly hair, he was Puerto Rican. if you Google Kurious he will pop up. He grew up in my building where I used to live. His mother still lives there.

I never had a guy buy me anything of give me presents like Elaine did or Ging. I was always the oe doing the entertaining, or coughing up the bill for a night out. Im just plan and simple an a low life. thats how I feel about myself.

I met one guy when I was 25, from Blackplanet. He was just turning 21, I had a on night stand with him, and I gave him a ring that my mother bought for me. It was a mens ring which she bought for me in Tarry town mall. It was my birth stone it was a little big for me, but I vowed I would get it adjusted. I gave him the ring when we we where feeling each other and talking about if we lasted a year we would get married. After our one night stand, that night I called him he sent me to voice mail, I left a message stating I needed the ring back I shouldn’t have given it to him. He never contacted me again.

Then there was Salah from Virginia he worked for time Warner with his grand father. He moved from Virgina to New York and was renting a room in the Bronx. we never did anything but kiss once, we used to smoke up together. We where hanging out the summer I had to take my son to court appointed visitation at the family court house. My sons father decided he was going to try for full custody, and we have to be investigated by ACS. My father paid for a lawyer for me, and after 4 court cases, my sons father had a letter drafted stating that he was giving up his paternal rights. Salah ws with me for the summer. But things slowed down between us. We where chum, but he got busy with work and trying to find an apartment, that we lost contact.

Now Im back on the same apps like Tagged, hi five, plenty of fish and meetme looking to find a connection to someone.

I was standing outside in front on Susans place smoking a cigarette when a passer byer approached me. He introduced himself as Isaac. He asked me for my name and asked me if I lived in the shelter. He was from the neighbor. I was feeling pretty low that day, I hadn’t gotten my ssi yet so all I had was my Obama phone and we exchanged numbers. He told me he was living in a shelter for a year and then he got his apartment. He lived up on Burnside. I ended up going to his walk up apartment where he made me a cup of coffee, and he wanted to get know me, but was asking me question pertaining to sex, like what was my favorite position, if I liked anal sex, and did I wear thong panties. I left after 20 minutes of being there.

It doesn’t matter how I meet men, the questions are always the same, even now on the dating apps or they want to meet up right away, “when Imma see you” is getting real tired. and all I want is a connection, some stimulating conversation. I know Im not going to get that being on a dating app. Adbul is the closest thing Ive gotten to meeting up. when he found out I was just a few bus stops away from him he had gotten on the bus and just showed up one day, and text me to come outside. So I went outside, and he took me to the thrift store across the street from the shelter to get some clothes.

The next time I saw him he had a large bottle of shampoo and two deodorants for me. And he took me back to the thrift store to buy a winter coat. He used to text me every morning good morning, we only had one conversation about how he got his working papers and that he was from west Africa, and he has his degree in sports management, but there’s no such thing here in the states, and how he working visa.

Adbul bought me bras from amazon and panties from the the thrift store. He’s done a lot for me. And with giving me $20 a week was what he could afford. The first time in the thrift store he spent $150 on sweat pants and t shirts for me. Then he also bought me a pair of sneakers from Amazon because he had an amazon prime account. He’s the only guy thus far who has gone out of his way to do something nice for me. And When I had to go to the social security doctors in Pelham Bay he gave me $40 to take take a cab if I needed to. I ended up going with Mike who I met online, who was living with his sister, then left to go to a VA shelter to find a place to live.

Mike ended up in Long Island city at a Va shelter. And from there a room in the Bronx on elder avenue. He was working for a bar as a fry chef. Then a deli in down town Manhattan now I don’t know where he’s working but we stayed in contact. He watches downloaded movies he hacks on bit torrent and connect to wifi. His rent is $900 dollars a month and I simply don’t know how he makes it with all the jobs he works. Being a fry a chef doesn’t come with any perks.

Abdul has a job with the tour buses downtown Manhattan selling the tickets to tourist as they walk by. He makes an honest living, but I don’t see anything more then just being friends with him. We have nothing to talk about. He checks on me and texts me almost every day good morning or good afternoon. He know nothing more then what Ive told him about myself. That I’m single I have no children and I lost my apartment when the building went coop. I couldnt afford the rent anymore so I had to go to a shelter. Most people don’t know that its a mica shelter. But when they see the shelter they know its a shelter.

I know Adbul wants more with me. He is waiting patiently for me to show up at his apartment for a visit. He said he would buy the food I want to cook and we can have dinner. But I have a curfew, and I really don’t want to go to his apartment. The only reason why I started talking to him in the first place because he was persistent. We talked about relationship goals. He fully understands that I don’t want to get married, but this man wants children, and is waiting patiently for the oppertunity to present itself for him to be a father. He’s 48 years old after all. He’s not playing any games when it comes to settling down. But I don’t and can’t settle down with anyone. I have too much in my past thats hindering me, and my future looks bleek. He doesn’t even know that I was married and still married to my current husband. He doesn’t even know that I suffer with mental health issues. He just thinks Im in the shelter waiting on vouchers and trying to put my life back together. He thinks my SSI is for arthritis only. I do in fact have arthritis but thats not why Im getting SSI. Its the hospitlizations and my mental health status that allows me to get SSI.

He knows I have no family that my mother and father past away some time ago and I don’t have any aunts or uncles to speak of. Where as he comes from a big family in west Africa, that his brothers are calling New York home and are raising families, I don’t know how to turn him down gently, so I let things be and continue the sharade.

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