In the past…

My relationships have not been the best as an adult. I have had 29 relationships with men and I’m not bisexual. I am victim of date rape, unreported, and also every guy I’ve been with in a reltionship cheated on me. But also having a diagnosis of schitoaffective doesn’t help. Because twice a month I would have to make up an excuse on why I was not available. I was seeing a therapist and psychologist.

My past relationships have all been men I met online. Now I’m back online the same dating apps only difference is now I’m not prevy on meeting up. I’m just looking for a text buddy. The conversation is always the same, where are you from, are you single, only new term now is pay to play. Men offering money for blow jobs. I block those profiles really quick. Men wanting to meet up meaning they want you to travel to them I quickly stop answering. Or what am I on the app for like what am I looking for. When you tell them that your only looking to make new friends the response is almost always the same , what type of friend am I looking for. I have no other choice, out of 200 woman I have made 2 friends.

When men find out that Im in a shelter, the tone of the conversation changes. Either they want to meet up and smoke up, or go for drinks. I don’t drink, and I no longer smoke weed because it will give me a psychotic episode. It makes me paranoid. The only guy thus far that has taken the time to be generous is Abdul, and I don’t like him in a relationship type f way. He wants more, but I can’t give it to him. Plus we have nothing in common. Its the same text every day, with a good morning or good evening, and how was my day. Im just looking for conversation being on the dating apps. I feel like I have to make myself over. I lost all my friends with being kicked out on my ass. And plus it doest help that I have had to over come a psychosis. My friendships where important to me.

Now Im searching. Its purely entertainment with no one to talk to about it, except Yvonne who has moved out of Susans place. She was on tagged also and a few other apps, looking for conversation.

Men on the dating apps want on of two things, there are a few who want sex, and don’t care where your living like pay to play. They are looking for one thing, and I get solicited often for pay for play offers. I get hit on alot by guys who have 3 or 4 children and work as security guards but they have their own apartment and want me to go visit them at their apartment, like Issac who I met infant of Susans place on day while I was smoking a cigarette. But the conversation was based on sex. I even went to his fifth floor walk up and chilled with him for a little bit, he wanted me to relax and take my clothes off and cook him a meal.

In the past I was willing to meet forming relationships base on sex and non committed ideas of what the value of a relationship was. I wasn’t desperate although my actions made me look like I was. My last relationship being with a single father from Newark. My relationships fall flat. Theres nothing I have in common with the men I talk to. Even now, I really have nothing to say. Im more focused on what happens in a few years when its time for me to start thinking about a place to live, or finding a place to go. Will I be a victim of the shelter system. Will DHS be my home forever, switching to different shelters every 4 years. I can’t possibly have a relationship with any man, so I just tell them Im looking to make new friends and socialize, and hopefully find a friend or two along the way.

Its like impending doom. If by chance I make a name for myself with my story, or trying to publish my own novel, I have no one to share my achievements with. Living in a shelter doesnt guarantee me a place to live which is what’s always on my mind, not forming a relationship with some guy I may meet on a dating app. I have had my share of one night stands and unfulfilled romances to last me a life time.

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